Friday, August 04, 2006

Just Breathe...

“Breathing is highly overrated.” I actually said that to Rob yesterday. I was actually able to tell him all I blogged about yesterday. It is one thing to post it and let whoever reads this thing read what’s going on in my head, but it is truly another to put it out there…out loud…to Rob. That is pretty silly…but it is what it is. He was asking me how I felt about what I was feeling and sitting with it. I told him it was making me anxious and I guess my breathing had become pretty shallow because he told me to take a few deep breaths. That’s when I told him breathing was overrated. He told me to do it anyway. I did. I did and the “weirdest” thing happened…I wanted to cry.

Yes, I am feeling insecure and yes I get that it makes a lot of sense…but in that deep breathing another thought occurred to me. The way I was dropped to PT…the way I was cut off from the youth when I got home from Remuda LIFE stunk! It was like the 8 months never existed…that my work as Director of Children’s Ministry was intact…but that I had no ministry with the youth at all. So, it’s taken me three years to begin to allow myself to feel how much that hurt. It was such a shock when I came home that I didn’t really react. I guess I did…I went right back to purging and cutting soon after coming home. Rob told me he doesn’t remember all of it, but he does remember thinking how huge a blow that had to be for me and yet I kind of just went on with things.

Yesterday was also the first time he even mentioned PTSD. I think we never really talk about any of my dx because 1) I am more than my dx and 2) he knows them, I know them and to dwell on them takes time away from dealing with them. It was still a little jarring to hear him say the word…ummm…acronym.

He asked me if I felt the difference the last few sessions…the openness that truthfully hasn’t been there. It’s funny to say I have been afraid to be open with him, but that’s the truth. I know it comes from being so afraid if I did/said something “wrong,” that he’d terminate me and being able to finally articulate that to him is making a difference.

With this new openness also comes the other reason I did not want to be open in the first place: I still can’t sit with my feelings well and the very fact I “exposed” them to Rob sends the signal to my brain that I need to be punished. I’ve been down this road before with Greg and it’s not a pretty sight. Rob and I have talked about this in the past. We both knew that when I started to be this open, started to allow the feelings to be there and not immediately do something to quell them that the urges would be there and be strong. He reminded me of this yesterday and I told me to do whatever I have to (aside from behaviors) do to make it through…including emailing/calling his VM a lot if need be. I have cut back on both of those. I email him maybe 1-2 times a month (unless it is something goofy) and the same with the phone calls.

I wish I could describe what I mean by the “need to be punished.” I know there are some of you out there that get what I mean…but it’s hard to articulate that need without sounding like a total nutcase!


Dreaming again said...

I have L on Monday and Dr. M on Tuesday (how DOES that happen?)
so I'm not going to comment on this *grin*

However ... TAG're it! *ducking and running*

The Thief said...

You're right, you'd sound "off" if you tried to describe the "need to be punished" but those of us who get it just get it.

I don't know what else to say but I'm pulling for you and praying for you. You are an awesome person and I'm glad you're my friend.