Well, I actually made it three days without cutting...until really early this morning. I so need to get a grip on that. The purging is bad enough...but the cutting is just...well...it's kinda sick that I can't wait until cooler weather so I have my arms availaable again. I shouldn't even be thinking that way! Someone remind me to tell Rob what is going through my head. Ugh...

I has emailed him on Friday letting him know of my freakiness that he was really going to terminate me no matter what he said and I got a short but VERY reassuring email back from him:

"Perhaps the reason I keep dear ole Frederick here is so you'll come back!! :)
Got your fax - I'm here and committed more than you realize!
See you Thurs and I hope you have some good days and follow your menu!!"

He looks at this for my best interest...but my best interest is to be with HIM and have that consistency. It just plays on my worst fears of being left and given up on by my treatment team and my fears of abandonment in general. Just knowing he is committed for the long haul puts my mind at ease.

But, I really DO need to get a grip on all this. Ih I hadn't have gained so much weight since I got home I'd be okay. I don't even know HOW I did...I thought I was being careful. But, I know if I just do what I need to...it will come off...but I want it to come off NOW because I have clothes I alreadt can't wear...it's so darn stupid.

God will not give me anything I can't handle. Sometimes I feel like I can't handle recovery...that "normalcy" is so "abnormal" that I can't handle it. But, I also know that God wants me healthy and wants to be able to use this someday. I have spent my entire adult life with ED and before that plain disordered eating...I think that is why I clong sometimes...I have no clue how to live without it...except in short spurts. But that is so not the life God wants for any of us.

I need to prep. for Children's Church and SS...