So, here I am almost two weeks later and a lot has changed. I still need $5,000, but other than that I am settling into "contnetment." I haven't heard back from the church in Saratoga, but I have things that need doing here and I cannot put it off any longer. Not to mention I have a whole NEW program I need to develop for Sunday nights starting in three weeks.

Yesterday, almost for the first time, I really and truly processed something really important with Rob. I think for the last month or so I have been, on a subconcious level, punishing myself for not being able to go on the Mission Trip, for the time I missed with the youth group, etc. Saturday afternoon I actually expressed the words in a post on the YS Boards. Dawn wated no time in telling me to not even go down that road. So yesterday, instead of doing any EMDR prep work we processed through those feelings. As Rob said...it takes Radical Acceptance of the situation.

Waiting would have made it all worse. I would have done the kids no good and I would have been a mess on the mission trip. I would have had to probably do Rio all over had a waited another FOUR months before leaving. That is the true reality of the situation. At the rate I was going those four months could have placed a whole lot of stuff in danger. It's a loss and I think it's been grieved and time to move on.

The hard part about THAT is the fact that I have lapsed so badly as far as behaviors are concerned that it is going to take some real determination and work to get me back on track. I am so "carbophobic" that I cannot stand to eat them in their "grain" form without purging. I do Boost in the morning with fruit, maybe or maybe not eat lunch and then purge dinner. Scary thing is I am not losing weight. Not that losing weight is a goal (although I would like to lose what I have gained since coming home) right now...but it proves the whole metabolism thing. I think I need to do my menu TONIGHT and take it with me tomorrow when I see Toni.

God has so totally blessed me with my team here. The more Rob and I do some really good work (which pre-LIFE I know I wasn't always doing) and the more Toni and I chip away at my food fears I know that with them and and my faith that there will be full recovery. It is just going to take longer than I want. But hey...I can't name a time when God's timing for me has been WRONG. I may not always like it...but it's always big picture and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Learning to live without ED is scary. It's "comfortable" for me. It's familiar...but ultimately it is destructive to not only me...but to those around me. I know in the long run I will not regret this journey. God is going to (and has) use it in ways I can't dream about now. But right now...the going through it...stinks!