La Vie Boheme!

"RENT" obsessed post II

This is how bad it is people...I actually LISTENED to the commentary! Actually, in this case it makes sense as I want to hear about changes made from stage to screen and why, etc. I also didn't know they filmed in San Francisco. Wish I would have known! Rats!

Chris Columbus was really happy to get a PG-13 rating, though he says he now has some reservations as kids who really have no clue what the lyrics of "La Vie Boheme" even mean are singing the song.

So, all you "Rentheads" out there...if you were a from "Rent," who would you be? Or, after seeing the movie who do you think you would be? After watching the movie over and over and listening to the soundtrack constantly since I bought it back in November or December...I think I am Mark. Obviously not in every aspect...but he seems to fit better than anyone else. I mean things down to the whole Maureen/Joanne thing...but I was in high school and he didn't break up with me for another guy...he just realized that...well...we still stayed friends through high school.

Back to "La Vie Boheme." It is amazing how often that song goes through my head. Out of the blue..."Going insane, going against the grain, going mad." In some ways that makes sense...sounds like a definition of ministry at times! I just think lyrically, Larson really showed his brilliance in this song. As they go through some definitions of dance, film and anarchy so much if it I can relate to without being fully involved in any of that stuff because it is the "stuff" that bonds them together in community.

I try not to overthink the film all that much. I struggle a lot with the "no day but today" way of living life. Part of the song "Rent" says:

MARK
"The music ignites the night with passionate fire"

ROGER
"The narration crackles and pops with incendiary wit"

MARK
Zoom in as they burn the past to the ground

ROGER & MARK
And feel the heat of the future's glow
How do you leave the past behind
When it keeps finding ways to get to your heart?
It reaches way down deep and tears you inside out
"Til you're torn apart Rent!

Lines like that just jump out at me. I need to get Anthony Rapp's book about his journey. He said something in an interview (the web site? MTV? "The View?") about playing Mark and the parallels to being closed off from emotion the way Mark is on stage and screen. There is another line from a song that says, "I don't own emotion...I rent." Very often guilty as charged.

Speaking of which, I need to get ready to see Rob!

No Day But Today

If I lived in NY when I was in high school, I so would have been a "Renthead." There are times I DO feel guilty for liking this show...not so much the themes (maybe a little)...but the language. However, it is organic to the story and to their lives, so it makes sense.

As soon as I got off work yesterday it was straight to "Circuit City" to buy the DVD. The feature length story of Jonathan Larson and the show and now movie had me in tears. I remember the 1996 Tony Awards when "Rent" was so honored. The only song I really knew at the time was "Seasons of Love" and they sang "La Vie Boheme" on the awards show and I thought it was the strangest thing. Now, ten years later, I really, really get it. I probably would have got it back then...but I never had the chance to see it (with "Doogie Howser") in L.A. and anyway...none of that matters anymore. I have the movie and when it comes to town again...I am so there!

I goofed...

Here is the correct link for my Johari Window: http://kevan.org/johari?view=

I just corrected it again... if you still have trouble...

http://kevan.org/johari?view='neice's+window

If you cut and paste and then click on "contribute to 'neice's window you should get it. I am not sure what the problem is!

Anniversary Dates...

I think I figure if I actually put them out there, I'll begin to believe that it has been that long.

I just passed the 17 month mark of no purging. I almost blew it the other day. I don't binge and I was just eating lunch...but it was strange because I was for sure in that zone. I bought lunch from the deli at the grocery store and my first clue should have been what I bought. My second clue should have been the fact I didn't put my lunch on a plate...paper or otherwise. I generally eat on a "real" plate, even though my mom doesn't. I was part way through when it dawned on me what I was doing.

Tuesday will mark 16 months of no self harm. That battle is almost harder won when the urge strikes. It's easier to hide, it's over faster and I don't have to eat first! None are good reasons and neither is wanting instant relief from the "pressure cooker" feeling...but there are days that a harder than others. Of course there are days when it never enters my mind at all, but on the days when it does...it is hard to fight it at times. Take that back. It is hard to WANT to fight it at times. It appears to be the path of least resistance and on those days I find something else to do.

If I look at the big picture...I think it is getting easier. What I can't figure out is if it easier because I am white knuckling it or if it is a bit easier because the "need" isn't there anymore. Much of the time it feels as if it is the former. That's NOT a good thing.

Stupid Blogger!

There was a problem and I lost some posts. One was an update about my grandfather and I really don't want tp redo it. But I will...later.

Go here and help me out! A couple people saw it before the problems with Blogger...but I'd love to see what you have to say!

Grandfather's Surgery Tomorrow & "Stuff"

First off...have I mentioned how thrilled I am we finally have a Panera sort of near me? It is actually closer to the church, but I am thrilled to death we have one. There will be another one...less than a mile from the church in a few short weeks. This is one of the few things that I miss about the Midwest. Sort of weird it is actually FOOD related...but it was the only place I could buy sourdough bread. Can you believe it? I went to all the grocery stores in the area when I moved to Indiana that year and NONE of them carried my beloved sourdough. It took me a few months to realze that...duh...I could buy it from Panera. Okay, it's not like was I doing GOOD things with the bread either...but I generally kept down their soups and salads. It was a "safe" place for me to eat. That is probably why I missed it.

So, here I am...happily on free wi-fi and enjoying the calm before the storm. Toni will be thrilled to hear I ate a bagel when I see her in about an hour and a half. A little too early for their soup.

My grandfather has his surgery tomorrow. I have been pretty calm about it (I think), but when we were at "The Lion King," it sunk in a little more. He really liked it, but he was also a little distracted. He did his pre-op stuff yesterday and they told him we have to be back at the hospital by 5:30 AM. Not sure what time his surgery is scheduled though. I'll take a quick break to go see Rob and then back to the hospital. There is a chance they can do this OP...I am not holding my breath!

I almost wish I could bail on the ski trip...but I need to watch Lily and it will be fun to be with the high school group again. It is awesome how God works. I have no idea what is in store for me with YM in the long term. But for right now, in this moment...I LOVE being a volunteer again and am grateful for the chance to keep myself in the fray a bit.

I AM a Theatre Snob II

I think it started when I was in 5th grade. Once you reached 5th grade, you could go to the San Francisco Opera for their Kids Day. Part of the deal was getting dressed up. I got to go both in 5th and 6th grade and a theatre snob was born!

Part of me knows I am being way too picky about all of this...but it is the theatre...not some program in a school cafeteria! No torn jeans should be rule #1!!! I also realize "The Lion King" is a FAMILY show, but if your child's bedtime is before 8 PM or is shortly AFTER 8 PM...do not bring them to a performance with an 8:00 PM curtain! By the end of the first act they are really tired and when theyb start crying they are tired and want to go home, take them OUT of the theatre and into the lounge! Do we need to point out that all of us in our section shelled out $128 a ticket...not just YOUR family?

Sigh...

The Circle of Life...

I'll post more tomorrow when I get back from the VBS Showcase...but I will say that I enjoyed "The Lion KIng" tonight. I will also say I am SUCH a theatre snob!

I PROMISE...I Am NOT Making This Stuff Up!

If someone came to me (even someone I trusted) and told me what I have been sharing about my my grandmother and grandfather, I would begin to wonder if it was the truth. In the past several weeks how can ALL of this medical stuff be going on??? Well, they do say truth is stranger than fiction and this is the truth.

Updates:

1. My grandfather goes to get his arteries cleaned out and stents put in next Thursday.

2. He has put off his other appt. (he is having trouble sawllowing) until after the surgery.

3. My grandmother was supposed to have an EMG done on Monday. BUT...

4. Thursday she broke her wrist opening a bottle of juice and now has a soft cast up to her elbow.

I get they are getting "up there" in years. Well...my grandmother is 80 something...but my grandfather is only like 71.

Ugh. I also need to share some stuff about "abandonment" I need help with...but that will have to be later.

The New Food Plan

I saw Toni yesterday and she has had me keep a food journal. I hate it. I look at it and it seems like so much. She told me that no...it wasn't close. I can usually rattle off what I eat, but she wanted to see where it was lacking (not calorie wise because we know that...but actual food groups. Being the weirdo I am...it is fruit.

Fruit???!!!??? I know. I like fruit. I really do. Berries, mango, apples, pineapple, kiwi...I live in CA...we have great fruit! But, ask me to choose between a cucumber and an apple...I'll often go for the veggies.

So, in the next couple weeks I need to add a fruit, start taking a multi-vitamin and eat a meal between 11 AM and 2 PM. I am wating to hear back if that is a full meal or an "eating episode."

The one thing this has done has made me way calorie conscious. I used to know the content of anything I let pass through my lips...but have given that up for the ost part. Some things I still know...must I don't. So, I became a huge label reader last night. This is the "sick" part. I had a grilled tuna sandwich on wheat and a salad. Guess how many calories??? THREE HUNDRED AND TWENTY FIVE!!! The healthy part of me says that 325 is actually on the low side for dinner especially when the only other thing I had was a non-fat white mocha all day. The ED part of me says I can no longer use mayo if I make tuna. I need to use mustard or honey mustard. No cheese (I only used it because I grilled the bread), no more grilling and no more "regular" dressing. How many calories can I cut?

Very eye opening and very helpful to see that. Now comes the choice. Do I make the sandwich I want or the one I "should" have?