I think I figure if I actually put them out there, I'll begin to believe that it has been that long.
I just passed the 17 month mark of no purging. I almost blew it the other day. I don't binge and I was just eating lunch...but it was strange because I was for sure in that zone. I bought lunch from the deli at the grocery store and my first clue should have been what I bought. My second clue should have been the fact I didn't put my lunch on a plate...paper or otherwise. I generally eat on a "real" plate, even though my mom doesn't. I was part way through when it dawned on me what I was doing.
Tuesday will mark 16 months of no self harm. That battle is almost harder won when the urge strikes. It's easier to hide, it's over faster and I don't have to eat first! None are good reasons and neither is wanting instant relief from the "pressure cooker" feeling...but there are days that a harder than others. Of course there are days when it never enters my mind at all, but on the days when it does...it is hard to fight it at times. Take that back. It is hard to WANT to fight it at times. It appears to be the path of least resistance and on those days I find something else to do.
If I look at the big picture...I think it is getting easier. What I can't figure out is if it easier because I am white knuckling it or if it is a bit easier because the "need" isn't there anymore. Much of the time it feels as if it is the former. That's NOT a good thing.
I just passed the 17 month mark of no purging. I almost blew it the other day. I don't binge and I was just eating lunch...but it was strange because I was for sure in that zone. I bought lunch from the deli at the grocery store and my first clue should have been what I bought. My second clue should have been the fact I didn't put my lunch on a plate...paper or otherwise. I generally eat on a "real" plate, even though my mom doesn't. I was part way through when it dawned on me what I was doing.
Tuesday will mark 16 months of no self harm. That battle is almost harder won when the urge strikes. It's easier to hide, it's over faster and I don't have to eat first! None are good reasons and neither is wanting instant relief from the "pressure cooker" feeling...but there are days that a harder than others. Of course there are days when it never enters my mind at all, but on the days when it does...it is hard to fight it at times. Take that back. It is hard to WANT to fight it at times. It appears to be the path of least resistance and on those days I find something else to do.
If I look at the big picture...I think it is getting easier. What I can't figure out is if it easier because I am white knuckling it or if it is a bit easier because the "need" isn't there anymore. Much of the time it feels as if it is the former. That's NOT a good thing.
3 comments:
Thanks for sharing on this post. It is important for us to realize that these situations are not only weak places where we almost slipped back into our old habits, but also times to celebrate growth.
I have to remind parents of this sometimes. They are upset Johnny threw a temper tantrum again. I remind them that this is the first in a month and they used to be an every day occurence.
The same with you. This moment of temptation reminded you of how much you have been healing and growing. And how much less power the temptation to purge has over you now than it did before.
Awesome.
that is so awesome. I hope you are proud of yourself.
Awesome D!
I know how hard fought this battle has been.
I can remember being angry that L&L were celebrating my one year anniversary of no purging ...when I was mourning it ... like the loss of an old friend. Remember that? A lot of white knuckle times there.
My guess, is what you're experiencing is a bit of both ... and as your coping skills are filled with other things, the white knuckling, will become less and less, and the need for it, will become less and less ...
it's a process ...
Congrats!
Post a Comment