Quick Post

This is what I said about Day Two:

You know VBS is going well when...

1. kids (who are not "mine") give you the craft they made that day.

2. the day over and they STILL want you to lead songs (and you aren't a great singer at ALL)

3. they start a conga line during said songs and dance around the Chapel

4. they think making snack for everyone is fun!

Today being the midpoint...energy was a little down...but we all had fun. I am going to have very mixed feelings when it is over.

Food is really, really, REALLY difficult right now. I think I used the heat and VBS as an excuse to cut way back. Now one of the church family's wants to take me dinner to celebrate VBS this weekend. Ugh. I want to tell them know...but they are so supportive of me, my ministry at WPC and we are in the same small group...so now I am trying to find a "safe" place to tell them we can go to.

VIVA!!

So much to say...no time. But, I did want to pop in here and say hi to whomever may still be lurking about!

I have a confirmed 25 for VBS. Now for some that may not seem like a lot...for us it is a great number considering last year we had 14 and a lot of them were our kids. This year? I think 6 or 7 are church kids and the rest are from the community. Things are coming together, but my inflatable cacti will NOT be coming and I have a huge hole in my decorating scheme. I ordered in time, they are just back ordered. I'd order from OTC and have them rush it to my house, but I don't have the $$.

More later...I hope!

Life as I Know It...

That little logo says it all. I feel like I am eating, breathing and sleeping VBS right now. Oddly enough, it is Jana Alyara music going through my head instead of VBS music. This is not a bad thing! We kick off on the 26th. We don't have a lot of kids, but it doesn't matter, VBS is still labor intensive. One of the men at church put together a crew of four high school guys to build my frames for "Hot Bible Adventures" and next week I'll be painting up a storm to get ready to transform the church a bit.

One thing I LOVE about Communidad Latinoamericana is the fact they are that Latin Americans and part of the chpel is already decorated because of it! :) I found some great patterns to cut out from another church's VBS and I think the church will look great! Now, if I could get two more volunteers, I'd be golden!

The other thing is the Nursery/Toddler Room project. That is also nearing completion. There i some work that needs to be done in the changing room areas, but the main room is just about finished. I just need to get rid of some stuff, get the orders in for "Wallables" and the new crawl through/up/around toy and it'll be set. Oh...and the new countertops.

Other than that...things are chugging along. I see Rob today, Toni tomorrow...in a few short days it will be 20 months since I last purged and in 6 days 19 since I cut. I think it's hard to feel good about it because both things are still on the radar. I know thinking about it or feeling like I want to "indulge" isn't the same as engaging in behavior, but it is really hard to give myself a break about all that. I keep thinking that this far out I "shouldn't" feel I need to do those things. I really need to take "should" out of my vocabulary!

Round Two...

It happened so quick I am not even sure I know what happened. One minute I am offering to go with my mom so she can apply at Target and Mervyn's and the next minute she is yelling at me to just stay home and stormed out of the house. Before she started the yelling I asked her for a definite yes or no answer. She wouldn't give me one. I guess I am supposed to read her mind.

This time I didn't hesitate. I called Rob, gave her a few minutes and then left the house myself. I am at Panera right now. I plan om going to the SJ Ginats game and then I have no idea. I can always go to the office and sleep there. It's safe and it'll be quiet. Not sure I can handle actually going home.

Road Block...

Hmmm...

So, Rob and I had another "discussion" yesterday. I know I frustrate him. I even pretty much know WHY I frustrate him and in the trying to NOT frustrate him...I make it worse.

Here's the thing. After our catch up time (which may or may not include talk of movies, music and sports) and the checking in with the questions if I have cut or purged (no and no), comes the question: "So, what's going on inside Deneice?" AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I don't KNOW...I really and truly DO NOT know! I do think about the question. In fact, I started to try and figure it out starting at 11:15 yesterdaty morning. By the time I got to his office for my 1:00 PM...I still didn't know and that just stresses me out. The question gets asked and then I just sit there because I don't know. Then I lapse into silence which we both hate and I try to come up with SOMETHING because he told me he'd pull out reading (this was a few months ago) and do that if I'm not going to say anything. I got the point, but I think me fear of "if I don't say something soon, he's going to really do it," takes over and makes it worse.

As we talked more one thing became very, very, very clear...I think the fear of changing my thinking isn't because I'm afraid of it. That may be part of it. You know, it worked once but now look where I am type thing. But, as we talking, another thought hit me between the eyes. Stay with me because what I am going to say contradicts itself. Not only from a who I am a Christian front...but simply by my actions. I show up willingly 2x a week. I shell out $100 a week (my g'ma picks up the other $60) and I trust the man completely....BUT...I think I question if I am worth the help, if I am worth his time, if I am worth recovery, etc. Heck, getting rid of behaviors is actually the easy part. Today marks three weeks since I have been eating a pretty normal meal plan and I thought the nutrition would help. Not so much.

We talked about me really speaking up and telling him what works and what doesn't. Like him telling me that x,y,z is normal and that everyone feels that at one time or another. DUH!

I said something to him about knowing that I am not going to be able shut off the condemning of my thoughts and feelings right away. I didn't say that to piint out he always tells me that...I said it so he knows I am listening to him and am trying. It turned into something funny, but I teared up because I was so afraid he'd think I was trying to mock him.

Monday we are going back to some EMDR stuff. Not EMDR itself because I have not been able to create a safe place...at least I wasn't the last time we tried. But, we are both hoping (praying) that just the little impulses will help me clear "the fog" that goes on when we try to delve into my head/heart. He is also not going to push the question and see if that helps as well.

I Gave In...NO! Not That!

I made my mother sit down across from me and not get up, not move (except to me info I needed)or anything until we were done with the application. We think we figured out where "I" (she) goofed. There is a question about being turned down by another Albertson's in the last 6 months. She really wasn't...she had a "pre-interview" type thing with someone at another store who had no business doing that so she had me answer "yes" the first time. This time we changd it and we'll see it happens. She outright lied on a couple questions ("I never say anything that hurts people," "I never swear when I argue")...but "whatever."

My mom tends to "apologize" with things or whatever. She took me out to sinner last night. Like that solved anything, but I went.

Yesterday morning she said she was selling the house and moving to Arizona. She thinks she'll like it. She has been there ONCE...for a week...SIX years ago for my Family Week. Okay, I love it myself...a lot...but I am not sure she'd like it as much as she thinks she would.

I have had a ton of chances to give in and I haven't and I have to admit...I am actually a little happy about that one.

However, VBS is going to send me over the edge! Not really...but close enough. I need one more station leader (we start three weeks from tomorrow) and no one says yes. High School Mission Project my foot! I think FIVE high school kids are helping...out of close to 20. If I hadn't been told (told...not asked) they were ALL going to help I wuld have recruited for this AGES ago. I have been trying for the last month. All I got at church today was, "Good luck."

UGH!

Thanks to Friar Tuck...I bring you these quizzes!

You Are Ned Flanders

A good neighbor and a devout Christian, you are a community leader. And you are called to make the world a better place, especially for left handed people. You will be remembered for: your goofy expressions - "hi-dilly, ho-dilly!" Your life philosophy: "I've done everything the Bible says - even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff!"

The Simpsons Personality Test

You Are Sunshine

Soothing and calm You are often held up by others as the ideal But too much of you, and they'll get burned You are best known for: your warmth Your dominant state: connecting

What Type of Weather Are You?

You are lettting her rotten mood and behavior affect your life. Only you can let her win.

I know when people say that they are well meaning…and they are right. But quite honestly, when you are trying to keep from ripping your skin to shreds and barfing a lung…it doesn’t help at all. Especially when what Rob and I have been dealing with is me not thinking I should even be allowed it exist because of what I have been told growing up.

It’s no secret that ever since I was little and my mom tried to kill herself the FIRST time that I have tried to stay out of her way and try not to give her reason to try again. My grandmother constantly reminded me that as long as I was around my mom would never be happy and no one would ever want to marry her. She kept trying to get me to come and live with her so my mom could have a life…a “REAL” life. It has always been very obvious that my mom had me because she had no choice…no matter what she has said; you can’t tell me that some of the stuff she has pulled shouts that she wanted to be a mom. One way I feel incredibly blessed, however, is the fact that none of the merry go round of men I had to deal with until I was in high school ever touched me. Okay, that came later with someone else…but at least she seemed to have enough sense to pick out men that weren’t complete losers.

The physical abuse is something I have dealt with much easier than the emotional/verbal abuse. I guess because eventually I grew taller than she. However, when she is mad…the woman can pack a wallop. You should see the hole in my wall she put there on my 16th birthday because she was upset I asked her to drive a friend home after church. This means that the family I went to church with would take us (as usual) and my mom would have to drive her less than 5 miles home. My guess I was in Jr. High when she quit hitting me.

All this to say…it still has not 100% sunk in that I deserve better because I don’t think I do. If I did…why would she do what she does? Lately I have been asking God why He has never let the ED take me or why He just doesn’t let me choose my own way out. There are days I don’t think I am going to escape with my sanity anymore.

My mom has her Unemployment Benefits appeal Thursday. In the mean time, she was told in a letter she had to continue to fill out claim forms because if she wins the appeal that is the only way she will get back benefit checks. Somehow, she thought I told her she had to bring them with her TO the appeal or they could wait until afterward. Ummm…no. She never bothered to read the letter herself. Okay, in a sane moment I know that is NOT my fault. But sanity doesn’t take place much in my house and it became my fault. That was yesterday.

Today she comes home and tells me she doesn’t have a job yet and it’s my fault. The applications ask all these questions…kind of like a mini-psycho/social evaluation. I guess some of the answers raised red flags and she didn’t get an interview. But, if she changes them she could have another shot. My mom is computer illiterate and I have had to do the applications for her. However, she never sits with me to do them. On this last one, she wouldn’t sit and answer them (about 100) because she already did it and I knew the answers. Fine…I answered them. Truthfully, if they are going to give the questions that much weight…she won’t get hired anyway.

I finally told her she had to do it herself…even if she had to hunt and peck at the keys. That was the wrong thing to say. So she calls a friend who will go to the store and do it with her. She tells her friend that I don’t have the time to do it and basically don’t care. She then stormed off with one of the dogs.

This absolutely confirms everything I keep telling Rob and I want to engage in behaviors because I really want to do something even more destructive. I was going to leave the house, but I wanted to talk to him first…just to get grounded a bit. I waited too long. She came home and now I am living the Silent Treatment. Against my better judgment, I made dinner as planned and actually ate. She refused to eat any of it.

This is so much more than letting her bad mood get to me. I see it as just further evidence on why I shouldn’t exist. I didn’t/haven’t given in to behaviors though. The thing is, I am not doing it for me. Rob finally called me and told me to, “Hang in there.” So, for him I’ll hang in there. For me…it’s keeping away from the blade.