Friday, June 02, 2006

You are lettting her rotten mood and behavior affect your life. Only you can let her win.

I know when people say that they are well meaning…and they are right. But quite honestly, when you are trying to keep from ripping your skin to shreds and barfing a lung…it doesn’t help at all. Especially when what Rob and I have been dealing with is me not thinking I should even be allowed it exist because of what I have been told growing up.

It’s no secret that ever since I was little and my mom tried to kill herself the FIRST time that I have tried to stay out of her way and try not to give her reason to try again. My grandmother constantly reminded me that as long as I was around my mom would never be happy and no one would ever want to marry her. She kept trying to get me to come and live with her so my mom could have a life…a “REAL” life. It has always been very obvious that my mom had me because she had no choice…no matter what she has said; you can’t tell me that some of the stuff she has pulled shouts that she wanted to be a mom. One way I feel incredibly blessed, however, is the fact that none of the merry go round of men I had to deal with until I was in high school ever touched me. Okay, that came later with someone else…but at least she seemed to have enough sense to pick out men that weren’t complete losers.

The physical abuse is something I have dealt with much easier than the emotional/verbal abuse. I guess because eventually I grew taller than she. However, when she is mad…the woman can pack a wallop. You should see the hole in my wall she put there on my 16th birthday because she was upset I asked her to drive a friend home after church. This means that the family I went to church with would take us (as usual) and my mom would have to drive her less than 5 miles home. My guess I was in Jr. High when she quit hitting me.

All this to say…it still has not 100% sunk in that I deserve better because I don’t think I do. If I did…why would she do what she does? Lately I have been asking God why He has never let the ED take me or why He just doesn’t let me choose my own way out. There are days I don’t think I am going to escape with my sanity anymore.

My mom has her Unemployment Benefits appeal Thursday. In the mean time, she was told in a letter she had to continue to fill out claim forms because if she wins the appeal that is the only way she will get back benefit checks. Somehow, she thought I told her she had to bring them with her TO the appeal or they could wait until afterward. Ummm…no. She never bothered to read the letter herself. Okay, in a sane moment I know that is NOT my fault. But sanity doesn’t take place much in my house and it became my fault. That was yesterday.

Today she comes home and tells me she doesn’t have a job yet and it’s my fault. The applications ask all these questions…kind of like a mini-psycho/social evaluation. I guess some of the answers raised red flags and she didn’t get an interview. But, if she changes them she could have another shot. My mom is computer illiterate and I have had to do the applications for her. However, she never sits with me to do them. On this last one, she wouldn’t sit and answer them (about 100) because she already did it and I knew the answers. Fine…I answered them. Truthfully, if they are going to give the questions that much weight…she won’t get hired anyway.

I finally told her she had to do it herself…even if she had to hunt and peck at the keys. That was the wrong thing to say. So she calls a friend who will go to the store and do it with her. She tells her friend that I don’t have the time to do it and basically don’t care. She then stormed off with one of the dogs.

This absolutely confirms everything I keep telling Rob and I want to engage in behaviors because I really want to do something even more destructive. I was going to leave the house, but I wanted to talk to him first…just to get grounded a bit. I waited too long. She came home and now I am living the Silent Treatment. Against my better judgment, I made dinner as planned and actually ate. She refused to eat any of it.

This is so much more than letting her bad mood get to me. I see it as just further evidence on why I shouldn’t exist. I didn’t/haven’t given in to behaviors though. The thing is, I am not doing it for me. Rob finally called me and told me to, “Hang in there.” So, for him I’ll hang in there. For me…it’s keeping away from the blade.

3 comments:

Dreaming again said...

You were born for more than just your mom. You were born for those kids you've served, are serving, and will serve yet.

You were born for your friends, in real time, and in cyberspace, one in particular is incredibly grateful and would be devastated if you were not here anymore, especially through tragic means.

You were born ...to serve God, to love God, and to worship God.

You were born ..to BE LOVED BY GOD. He loves you dearly. Enough, to give his Son for you.

Mom was only the vessel by which that happened. Her choices have been wrong to hurt you so. They continue to be wrong. But, as you know intellectually, they are not because of you, but because of your her own misdirected pain.

I love you D .. I'm praying for you, Daily!

renee altson said...

i so want you to get out of that house. I'm worried you will never be able to truly be well while living there--how could you? love you. thinking of you.

Mel said...

Everyone says what I want to.
So again, you are loved and not the reason for your mom's problems, that's on her.. and you SOOO need to get out of there.