Hmmm...
So, Rob and I had another "discussion" yesterday. I know I frustrate him. I even pretty much know WHY I frustrate him and in the trying to NOT frustrate him...I make it worse.
Here's the thing. After our catch up time (which may or may not include talk of movies, music and sports) and the checking in with the questions if I have cut or purged (no and no), comes the question: "So, what's going on inside Deneice?" AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I don't KNOW...I really and truly DO NOT know! I do think about the question. In fact, I started to try and figure it out starting at 11:15 yesterdaty morning. By the time I got to his office for my 1:00 PM...I still didn't know and that just stresses me out. The question gets asked and then I just sit there because I don't know. Then I lapse into silence which we both hate and I try to come up with SOMETHING because he told me he'd pull out reading (this was a few months ago) and do that if I'm not going to say anything. I got the point, but I think me fear of "if I don't say something soon, he's going to really do it," takes over and makes it worse.
As we talked more one thing became very, very, very clear...I think the fear of changing my thinking isn't because I'm afraid of it. That may be part of it. You know, it worked once but now look where I am type thing. But, as we talking, another thought hit me between the eyes. Stay with me because what I am going to say contradicts itself. Not only from a who I am a Christian front...but simply by my actions. I show up willingly 2x a week. I shell out $100 a week (my g'ma picks up the other $60) and I trust the man completely....BUT...I think I question if I am worth the help, if I am worth his time, if I am worth recovery, etc. Heck, getting rid of behaviors is actually the easy part. Today marks three weeks since I have been eating a pretty normal meal plan and I thought the nutrition would help. Not so much.
We talked about me really speaking up and telling him what works and what doesn't. Like him telling me that x,y,z is normal and that everyone feels that at one time or another. DUH!
I said something to him about knowing that I am not going to be able shut off the condemning of my thoughts and feelings right away. I didn't say that to piint out he always tells me that...I said it so he knows I am listening to him and am trying. It turned into something funny, but I teared up because I was so afraid he'd think I was trying to mock him.
Monday we are going back to some EMDR stuff. Not EMDR itself because I have not been able to create a safe place...at least I wasn't the last time we tried. But, we are both hoping (praying) that just the little impulses will help me clear "the fog" that goes on when we try to delve into my head/heart. He is also not going to push the question and see if that helps as well.
So, Rob and I had another "discussion" yesterday. I know I frustrate him. I even pretty much know WHY I frustrate him and in the trying to NOT frustrate him...I make it worse.
Here's the thing. After our catch up time (which may or may not include talk of movies, music and sports) and the checking in with the questions if I have cut or purged (no and no), comes the question: "So, what's going on inside Deneice?" AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I don't KNOW...I really and truly DO NOT know! I do think about the question. In fact, I started to try and figure it out starting at 11:15 yesterdaty morning. By the time I got to his office for my 1:00 PM...I still didn't know and that just stresses me out. The question gets asked and then I just sit there because I don't know. Then I lapse into silence which we both hate and I try to come up with SOMETHING because he told me he'd pull out reading (this was a few months ago) and do that if I'm not going to say anything. I got the point, but I think me fear of "if I don't say something soon, he's going to really do it," takes over and makes it worse.
As we talked more one thing became very, very, very clear...I think the fear of changing my thinking isn't because I'm afraid of it. That may be part of it. You know, it worked once but now look where I am type thing. But, as we talking, another thought hit me between the eyes. Stay with me because what I am going to say contradicts itself. Not only from a who I am a Christian front...but simply by my actions. I show up willingly 2x a week. I shell out $100 a week (my g'ma picks up the other $60) and I trust the man completely....BUT...I think I question if I am worth the help, if I am worth his time, if I am worth recovery, etc. Heck, getting rid of behaviors is actually the easy part. Today marks three weeks since I have been eating a pretty normal meal plan and I thought the nutrition would help. Not so much.
We talked about me really speaking up and telling him what works and what doesn't. Like him telling me that x,y,z is normal and that everyone feels that at one time or another. DUH!
I said something to him about knowing that I am not going to be able shut off the condemning of my thoughts and feelings right away. I didn't say that to piint out he always tells me that...I said it so he knows I am listening to him and am trying. It turned into something funny, but I teared up because I was so afraid he'd think I was trying to mock him.
Monday we are going back to some EMDR stuff. Not EMDR itself because I have not been able to create a safe place...at least I wasn't the last time we tried. But, we are both hoping (praying) that just the little impulses will help me clear "the fog" that goes on when we try to delve into my head/heart. He is also not going to push the question and see if that helps as well.
1 comment:
Hi 'Neice
I've been stuck like that myself. Either eat therapy or with my boyfriend or family. "What's wrong?" or "How are you feeling?" can be the most difficult questions to answer.
I, too, will sit in silence thinking about my answer because there have been too many times in my life where I answered without thinking and said something mean or irrational.
I don't know if this will help you, but lately, I've found that writing a page or so about my week before going to the doctor helps me get more out of my appointments. It puts my feelings into perspective so that I can convey them properly.
I clam up when I'm in there.
Best of luck to you and thanks for adding me. I am adding you as well :)
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