There's a Homeless Man on The Lawn

So, I get to the office about 7:15 AM and there is a homeless guy sleeping on the front lawn of our church. This is not too surprising as we get homeless/transients all the time. When I first got here someone managed to get in the building and we had no clue. It explained some of the weird noises I heard and my missing sleeping bag!

Saturday was my first day on the job. Passed my quiz, took yet another tour of the Pavilion (and will probably STILL get lost), took tickets (and checked bacgs), worked and aisle and now will be thrown to the dogs at the last pre-season Sharks game on Saturday. I am then working the first four sharks games, three of the four Harvest Crusade events (woo hoo!) and this thing called the Boo Bomb. I didn't get Disney on Ice and I am bummed...but I am sure that is a seniority thing.

More later...I need to get actual work done!

My Job, My Family...

I had orientation for my job at the HPP on Wednesday. The money isn't bad and my point of taking the job is so I don't have decide between what are truly needs...not wants. Okay, the 30% off at the Sharks Store is a great perk I admit that...but I just found out about it on Wednesday. We are #2 in customer service in the NATION for our type of venue and they only hire on average 1 in 10 who apply. Twelve made it through to this round. Tomorrow we got for more orientation (including a test) and on the job training.

I don't want to rewrite stuff with the visit with my aunt and uncle so I am going to paste some posts I made that will give you the basic idea.

Tonight with my family was disaster and now my mom and aunt are out drinking. I am honestly not going to hide her meds because as much as I want to...I am tired of this. I am the designated driver (fun, fun) for them so I dropped them off and a hotel downtown and told them to find a nice bar there. Ugh! So, two drinks turned into them FINALLY calling me at 2:15 AM to go pick them up. Of course, I get there and the downtown is deserted since by then it is nearing 2:30 and everything is closed. It is one of those time where it is a good thing San Jose is truly one of the safest big cities.

For once I didn't 100% keep my mouth shut. It fell on deaf ears (although I will hand it to my mom...I think she only had 2 drinks and stuck to Coke the rest of the night...but she had 2 margaritas at dinner to begin with as did my aunt), but I did make it clear that they told me 2 drinks and that 2 drinks turning into them being out 5 1/2 hours and not where I dropped them was not fair to me and that it was a good thing I was already taking today off. I am taking it off so I could finish my Orientation packet. My aunt kept telling me not to be mad and my mom said it was no big deal.I am so glad I can't go to dinner with them tonight because I don't think I could keep my mouth shut in front of my grandparents.


There are times when I really think I truly hate my family.

I think I mentioned the scene my grandmother caused in the restaurant last night? I just got off the phone with her and she brought it up. I explained that it wasn't so much she was calling her estranged DIL, Bootsie (whom I have never met as well as my Uncle Pat) a "rhymes with witch," but that she did it more than once, she was loud, we were in a public place and there was another family in our section of the dining room. My Uncle Mike didn't even disagree with her...he just really didn't want to dredge up the past and we went through this drama the last time they came down. I said I didn't like it either, but it didn't really bug me until she started swearing loudly with a family with a child in the next booth.

Then she tells me she has taken a lot of (expletive) and all her life she has gotten the short end of the (expletive) stick, the kid has probably heard swearing before (not the point) and she can (expletive) well say what she wants to when she wants to. Plus, my mom uses that language all the time. True...it's like living in a rated R movie with gratuitous swearing but again...beside the point.

My mom excuses it to my grandma is almost 86 and will die soon. So, when we are close to our time we can throw common decency out the window???

On a positive note, yesterday was 23 months no self harm. Lately us has for sure been a conscious choice and I came close last night...but I was OK.

As Rob and I talked about all of this it comes down to I KNOW things are not going to change...they really won't. I know God can do anything...but I also know He may not do anything with my family. However, because I know God can do anything I continue to hold onto what amounts to unrealistic hope and that really is damaging.

No Surprises Here...

Your Linguistic Profile:

70% General American English

15% Upper Midwestern

5% Dixie

5% Yankee

0% Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

Last week my mom went to a job fair thingy at the Pavilion to be an usher. I drove and it was either sit around for up to three hours or be bored. So, I applied. I wasn't dressed to interview and I didn't put 100% into it (at first), but I made it through the first round. While I waited for intervew #2 mom was still waiting for #1. They called her and about a minute later I was called. They then took me to take a personality inventory "thingy." I came back and mom didn't make it to round 2. Yipes! On friday I learned I am one of the newest ushers at the HP Pavilion! Training starts tomorrow...if I can quir playing phone tage with the trainer and find out what time I need to be there!

I really am excited about this. I don't want to work a ton of hours, but it will give me Christmas money and not have to worry about paying for treatment or paying my car insurance. If I work 30 hours a month I'll be happy.

It is "funny" I will use the word depression here, but I can't with Rob. I think it is because when it is this bad it has never ended well and I don't want to give him "ammunition" by using the "D" word. But, we are working through it. I have been having a very hard time accepting the fact I can be enjoying something (i.e. youth group Sunday night) and yet have this underlying deep depression at the same time. Gee...the fact I can actually articulate any of that to Rob is a step in the right direction.

The new YD said something Sunday when she was talking about her son leaving for Iraq in the beginning of the war. She was upset (she hadn't seen him in a while) because he as closing up their St. Louis home and heading to war. She was sad and she was worried. Made sense to me. Then she basically said (I am paraphrasing) that God told her she can't/shouldn't feel any of that because her son was just on loan from Him. On some level I get that. Yes, all kids are on loan and she needs to trust in God's protection, peace, etc....but she is also human and she was having a human raction. If she dwelled in that worry and sadness there COULD be a problem...but if it is in the moment...well...she is feeling those things.

I think I cracked Rob up when I said I wanted to tell her she's human and those emotions are normal. He asked me what it was like to ant to say those things. I told him that I was thinking, "Rob doesn't think I am listening to him...but I am!"

It is still frustrating for him because I don't know where to start when I walk in there and lately I forget what we talk about. I left Thursday and was kinda not grounded. I was present yet not for the rest of Thursday and part of Friday. It was scary, but at least I didn't 100% dissociate.

Food is still an issue. I really haven't lost all that much weight, but enough to be noticed by some. I had a parent ask me Sunday and I admit it...I fibbed. My aunt and uncle are here from WA and we went out to dinner last night. I ate maybe 1/4 of it, but was able to hide it and make it seem as if I ate a lot more. Of course, now I have a ton of leftovers I have to deal with. I am supposed to eat at least once and we are going out again tonight so I don't know what to do.

Where I Am....

I always feel like I am whining when I talk about where I'm at...that is part of my problem.

Being pushed and prodded I have figured out (well...am admitting) I am in this deep, dark hole that feels like a no win situation for me. There is a part of me that knows that isn't true...but that's what it feels like.

I also learned that saying I feel bad is OK. It's a "duh" sort of thing, but let me explain. My first time at Remuda when we had our home groups we did a feelings check in. We had to be specific and "bad" would not have been specific. In my twisted little mind, six years later, I subscribe to that theory...one step further: If I don't know what "bad" means it doesn't count and isn't valid. Typing it out and even saying it on Monday I realize how lame that sounds...but there it is.

So, I have been minimizing how depressed I have been for the last couple of months. I have managed to pull myself together every morning and function and work and all that...but all I have wanted to do is go home and sleep and not leave my room. I "should" be happy I have been able to fight it. I "should" realize how many people have things worse than I do. However, I guess I use that so I can minimize what I do feel and to convince myself I don't have a reason to feel what I do.

For some odd reason I feel a lot of shame (I think) in saying I am really depressed. Ummm...I have major depressive disorder and will have times of depressive episodes...but I don't think I am convinced of it some of the time. It's funny because I know I am not making it up and yet I feel like I have to be because I can't find a trigger for it.

The biggest sign has been in the area of food. I actually had to shake hands with my dietitian that I would eat something before dinner and it has to be an addition. In other words, I can't eat carrots and then take risotto off my plate at dinner. She knows me way too well. I know we are supposed to do all this for ourselves, but as we talked yesterday it became very apparent that my sense self preservation has gone out the window. She asked me to do this for her. It goes against everything that Rob says about having healthy control...but I also know I am on this slope and I am losing ground fast.

It is so hard to describe how strong the urge to NOT add food truly is. I have always thought that those of us that restrict (whether or not we purge) have this definite superiority complex in the area of food. "Ha, ha...you need food and I don't." How lame is that? That feeling of "power" or maybe it's more accomplishment is very heady.

What I am finding is that restriction doesn't make any of the feelings go away. Heck, it doesn't even numb them anymore...not really. I know I am at the point that I either start really talking through all of this or just give up. Rob was really close to making me take a break and then I was able to spit out the whole feeling bad thing. After that he was able to really guide me through the tunnel, what that means, how I feel about it, etc. I think we hit on something that is going to work until I can express that stuff myself.

Joseph Calandrillo

Joseph Calandrillo is someone I don’t know…but is someone that many people knew and loved. He was one of the almost 3,000 killed five years ago in the terrorist attacks. He was working in the North Tower when American 11 hit floors 94-98. The company he worked for had offices in both Towers…all who were in the North Tower were killed.

As I was researching who Joseph was it was evident that he enjoyed his job at Reinsurance Solutions International, part of a larger company called Marsh & McLennan, with 58,000 employees worldwide. One article I found said that his last employee review was found among all the debris that “flooded” the streets of lower Manhattan. It said in part: “ Its blank business language said little about his life but indicated he was good at his job. His goal was to become proficient at newly assigned accounts. His accomplishments included reconciliations on co-broker business gone direct. But there was also this: Perfect attendance. Joseph Calandrillo got to work on time.”

His wife had this to say after 9/11: “Everyone always said my husband and I had a marriage you didn't see," she said. "We were always laughing and having a good time. We were best buddies. Our marriage was our greatest success."

Mrs. Calandrillo characterized them as a "Green Acres" couple. She loved the city; he loved the country. They lived in Brooklyn for a while and then, five years ago, moved to Hawley, PA. "I had my turn, so it was his turn," Mrs. Calandrillo said. "And I grew to love the country."

For Joseph, it was love at first sight and while it took his wife a little longer…it appears they would have been together for many, many years to come if it had not been to 9/11.

I found memorial sites that were set up for people to leave messages for the loved ones of those killed in all four sites five years ago and over and over again what I read about Joseph was that he was a great guy. He loved his wife, loved his job and loved people. He was a good friend. Those are qualities that we all should strive for.

I wish I could have found more information. I looked and looked, but many of the tribute pages contained the same exact information. Joseph was a loving husband who was killed on 9/11 at the age of 49. There are details about his remains…but I won’t repeat them here.

His wife has that piece of paper that was found months after the attacks and has saved it along with items sent by people throughout the country. As the first anniversary approached, his ’91 Oldsmobile was in the driveway and his sneakers in the den. She is active part of getting the memorial built at Ground Zero.

It’s impossible to forget where we were when the planes hit. I had just moved to Indiana and drove my grandfather to the airport for his return flight to CA that morning. He made it to Chicago and then was getting ready to take off when the airports were shut down.

I can’t imagine what Joseph’s wife felt as she watched the Towers collapsing and knowing that her husband was there. She had a last meaningful kiss from her husband that day. Something I am sure replays in her mind from time to time. Something I am sure she grateful to have had as they parted ways that day five years ago.

Take Me Higher

Take Me Higher

(Jars of Clay)

It took a lot to turn away,
Blood and water from one side.
It took your eyes to stare me down,
It took the truth to set me free, to set me free.

Lookin for a place to hide,
Waitin' for the wind to rise,
My soul is waiting,
Lookin for a place to hide,
I need a little peace tonight.

Take me higher than the sun, yeah you are the only one
Take me higher than the sun, yeah, yeah.

Around the ceiling of the heart,
Is where we find the things that send us away,
to where the blind can see the stars.
So do you see the stars, do you see the stars?

Looking for a place to hide,
Need a little peace tonight.

Take me higher than the sun, yeah you are the only one.
Take me higher than the sun yeah, yeah.
Take me higher than the sun yeah you are the only one.
Take me higher than the sun, yeah yeah.

Take me higher than the sun, you are the only one
You are the only one, you are the only one higher than the sun.

Sorry for the lack of real blogging. As usual, Jars of Clay say it better than me.

Work

(Jars of Clay)

Just in case
I will leave my things packed
So I can run away
I cannot trust these voices
I don't have a lot of prospects
That can give some kind of peace
There is nothing left to cling to
That can bring me sweet release

I have no fear of drowning
It's the breathing
That's taking all this work

Do you know
What I mean
When I say
"I don't wanna be alone"
What I mean
When I say
"I don't wanna be alone"

Empty spaces
Shadows hit by streetlights
The warning signs and weight
Of tired conversations

In the absence of a shoulder
In the absence of a thief
On the brink of this destruction
On the eve of bittersweet
Now all the demons look like prophets
And I'm living out
Every word they speak
Every word they speak

Do you know
What I mean
When I say
"I don't wanna be alone"
What I mean
When I say
"I don't wanna be alone"

I have no fear of drowning
It's the breathing
It's taking all this work

Razor Wire

The session before I went to Big Sur Rob asked me to really think about where I was at, what's going on inside, etc. I didn't ignore it...I just didn't share when I got back. As I thought about it...what came to mind is that I feel like there is a huge ball of razor wire in the center of my being and that I am not sure what it worse...having it there or trying to untangle it becomes each barb makes breathing hurt.

Food hasn't been going so well and went into yesterday only having had some nachos (and not finishing the order) about 6:00 the night before at the American Idols Live tour(which was awesome). I know better...but I have zippo interest in food right now.

Anyway, when I come in with nothing in my body it isn't good and the session was really rocky and he began his lecture. At the end he said he knew I had something to say so he was going to give me the time to say it. I did. Then came the part that has kept me from sharing it the past two weeks...the very next thought that goes through my head when I think about telling him all this is that he's not going to believe me. By this time I'm crying and I told him that thought is totally unfounded...he has NEVER given me reason to think he doesn't believe me.

So, I gave us a new starting point and I dread it.

On a positive note...my grandpa and I are going to the 49ers game tonight!