Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Last week my mom went to a job fair thingy at the Pavilion to be an usher. I drove and it was either sit around for up to three hours or be bored. So, I applied. I wasn't dressed to interview and I didn't put 100% into it (at first), but I made it through the first round. While I waited for intervew #2 mom was still waiting for #1. They called her and about a minute later I was called. They then took me to take a personality inventory "thingy." I came back and mom didn't make it to round 2. Yipes! On friday I learned I am one of the newest ushers at the HP Pavilion! Training starts tomorrow...if I can quir playing phone tage with the trainer and find out what time I need to be there!

I really am excited about this. I don't want to work a ton of hours, but it will give me Christmas money and not have to worry about paying for treatment or paying my car insurance. If I work 30 hours a month I'll be happy.

It is "funny" I will use the word depression here, but I can't with Rob. I think it is because when it is this bad it has never ended well and I don't want to give him "ammunition" by using the "D" word. But, we are working through it. I have been having a very hard time accepting the fact I can be enjoying something (i.e. youth group Sunday night) and yet have this underlying deep depression at the same time. Gee...the fact I can actually articulate any of that to Rob is a step in the right direction.

The new YD said something Sunday when she was talking about her son leaving for Iraq in the beginning of the war. She was upset (she hadn't seen him in a while) because he as closing up their St. Louis home and heading to war. She was sad and she was worried. Made sense to me. Then she basically said (I am paraphrasing) that God told her she can't/shouldn't feel any of that because her son was just on loan from Him. On some level I get that. Yes, all kids are on loan and she needs to trust in God's protection, peace, etc....but she is also human and she was having a human raction. If she dwelled in that worry and sadness there COULD be a problem...but if it is in the moment...well...she is feeling those things.

I think I cracked Rob up when I said I wanted to tell her she's human and those emotions are normal. He asked me what it was like to ant to say those things. I told him that I was thinking, "Rob doesn't think I am listening to him...but I am!"

It is still frustrating for him because I don't know where to start when I walk in there and lately I forget what we talk about. I left Thursday and was kinda not grounded. I was present yet not for the rest of Thursday and part of Friday. It was scary, but at least I didn't 100% dissociate.

Food is still an issue. I really haven't lost all that much weight, but enough to be noticed by some. I had a parent ask me Sunday and I admit it...I fibbed. My aunt and uncle are here from WA and we went out to dinner last night. I ate maybe 1/4 of it, but was able to hide it and make it seem as if I ate a lot more. Of course, now I have a ton of leftovers I have to deal with. I am supposed to eat at least once and we are going out again tonight so I don't know what to do.

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