Thursday, September 14, 2006

Where I Am....

I always feel like I am whining when I talk about where I'm at...that is part of my problem.

Being pushed and prodded I have figured out ( admitting) I am in this deep, dark hole that feels like a no win situation for me. There is a part of me that knows that isn't true...but that's what it feels like.

I also learned that saying I feel bad is OK. It's a "duh" sort of thing, but let me explain. My first time at Remuda when we had our home groups we did a feelings check in. We had to be specific and "bad" would not have been specific. In my twisted little mind, six years later, I subscribe to that step further: If I don't know what "bad" means it doesn't count and isn't valid. Typing it out and even saying it on Monday I realize how lame that sounds...but there it is.

So, I have been minimizing how depressed I have been for the last couple of months. I have managed to pull myself together every morning and function and work and all that...but all I have wanted to do is go home and sleep and not leave my room. I "should" be happy I have been able to fight it. I "should" realize how many people have things worse than I do. However, I guess I use that so I can minimize what I do feel and to convince myself I don't have a reason to feel what I do.

For some odd reason I feel a lot of shame (I think) in saying I am really depressed. Ummm...I have major depressive disorder and will have times of depressive episodes...but I don't think I am convinced of it some of the time. It's funny because I know I am not making it up and yet I feel like I have to be because I can't find a trigger for it.

The biggest sign has been in the area of food. I actually had to shake hands with my dietitian that I would eat something before dinner and it has to be an addition. In other words, I can't eat carrots and then take risotto off my plate at dinner. She knows me way too well. I know we are supposed to do all this for ourselves, but as we talked yesterday it became very apparent that my sense self preservation has gone out the window. She asked me to do this for her. It goes against everything that Rob says about having healthy control...but I also know I am on this slope and I am losing ground fast.

It is so hard to describe how strong the urge to NOT add food truly is. I have always thought that those of us that restrict (whether or not we purge) have this definite superiority complex in the area of food. "Ha, need food and I don't." How lame is that? That feeling of "power" or maybe it's more accomplishment is very heady.

What I am finding is that restriction doesn't make any of the feelings go away. Heck, it doesn't even numb them anymore...not really. I know I am at the point that I either start really talking through all of this or just give up. Rob was really close to making me take a break and then I was able to spit out the whole feeling bad thing. After that he was able to really guide me through the tunnel, what that means, how I feel about it, etc. I think we hit on something that is going to work until I can express that stuff myself.

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