Quiz Time!!

You Are a Black and White Cookie

You're often conflicted in life, and you feel pulled in two opposite directions. When you're good, you're sweet as sugar. And when you're bad, you're wicked!

What Kind of Cookie Are You?

Not sure about the being wicked part...but I do often fall into a trap of black and white thinking!

Thanks, Jeff

Under Pressure

It happened AGAIN. I talked my way out of First Aid, but I did get sent home early Saturday night. I am not sure what happened this time. I was fueled, I was hydrated and I was not in a new position. Toni thinks it could have still been food related, but also thinks (like Rob and I) it could have been anxiety related.

I had a salad late Saturday morning and wasn’t all that hungry later. One of the other usher’s works at a Starbucks and will bring goodies from time to time. I mostly look and don’t touch, but that night I had a piece of reduced fat coffee cake. I went to my position and all seemed fine.

Anyway, early in my shift I was holding onto a bag for a guest outside of my Club section while he went to get a program. Nice guy...hadn't been to a game in three years and was like a little kid...it was sweet. I love to see people excited to be there and to watch the Sharks play. It was no biggie to watch the bag and it wasn’t in the way.

So, he's heading back down to his seat when my supervisor comes by to check on me, give me any instructions that may be different from another shift, etc. She sees me with the bag and says, "Deneice, did you go shopping before work?" (She knew I wouldn't do that...it was all in fun) I handed the bag back to the guest and said, "No, I was just holding onto a bag for a guest." Then she tells me that she knew it would be something like that because that's something I would do! That was nice, sweet, etc. However, I am having a hard time with all of this.

I want to scream that I have the whole staff fooled and they have no idea what a loser I am...but I keep my mouth shut. It's so hard to watch people who have been there for years get stuck with places that I have never been assigned to and find myself in places it took some TWO years to achieve. Thursday night they sent someone home so I could take their place and not be sent home. I sit and listen to people complain about their assignments, being sent home without an option (we are guaranteed 3 hours no matter what…not great…but $$ is $$), etc. and I just keep quiet. We all get the bad spots; we all are subject to being released, etc. The fun and the people far outweigh any perceived negatives.

The job is a total blessing. However, the "exceed guests' expectations" is dangerous ground for me because it brings out my perfectionist tendencies. I mean we were 4^th in the world in non-sports revenue, we are either #2 or #1 in guest services and that is great! It can be anxiety producing.

But, I haven’t had that throw up/pass out feeling since November and so I found some way to not be anxious I am going to blow it. I just don’t know what. I think the positive feedback is seriously blowing my mind and Saturday was just the straw that broke the camels back so to speak.

Rob is having a field day with this! It's no secret to anyone that this is a huge issue for me and I think he is "enjoying" watching me process all this out. The nerve!

One of the other things I like about the job is no one knows about my history. They have no idea about the ED or the SI. Some do know about the tattoo because we were talking about them a couple weeks ago and I mentioned mine. M and J were in shock. They didn’t think I was the type.

The ONE benefit of people knowing my history is that they usually watch the food/diet/weight talk around me. I think that is the sole thing that triggers me. Not magazines, not TV…but the food/weigh/diet talk. I generally do a pretty good job of coping…but a couple weeks ago I found myself so triggered and it didn’t dawn on me until this weekend.

I worked a double and had a break between events. There is this little Mexican place that has really good carne asada burritos. It isn’t “the burrito that ate Tokyo,” but it’s not tiny either. However, after only having a bottle of Boost and being on my feet for like 4 hours I figured it was fine. Plus, I don’t eat the whole tortilla. I eat about ½ and then unfold it and eat the filling. I get back to the arena, sit down with M and another J and unwrap the burrito from the foil. M takes one look at it and goes on and on and ON asking how could I eat the whole thing, that it would be a meal for three days for her, it was huge, etc., etc., etc.

I know that this is the “real world” and this goes on all the time…but I didn’t realize how ill equipped I feel to deal with that type of trigger. It does play with my head. Maybe she was right, maybe I did eat too much, blah, blah, blah.

Look! A New Post!

I know...I know...I really need to blog more. I love my 2nd job...but it gets in the way of my blogging!

I just came off a W, TH, F, SA, M schedule there...nothing else until this Thursday! They started putting me in Club aisles at work which puts me roughly 16 rows up from the ice for hockey games! I also did my first real floor assignment for a concert and was on the floor for the Harlem Globetrotters. I love the fact they move us all over!

Saturday I was working a double and during my second shift a cool thing happened. I almost hesitate to put it here...but no one knows about the blog at the other place so I think I am safe. Anyway, I had worked the doors and then got to "do breaks." This means I get a slip of paper with names on it and their assigned place. I find them and give them their 15 break. During this time, one of the sups comes up to me and shakes my hand. He says, "I have to tell you, you are my favorite new hire." He tells me (which he has done in the past) that he loves my attitude, my willingness to do whatever is asked, my smile, etc. Then he told me that the whole staff "just loves you." WOW! This is good because I was convinced that "T" didn't like me. "D" said that was just his personality. I hope so!

I shared this on YMX, but here it is again:

I think I have reached my last straw. Tuesday at staff meeting Debra said that the Girls' Night was not going to happen but it may be a movie night instead. Not a problem. I wasn't scheduled to work the HP on Friday and so I asked to work.

Tonight (Sunday) I find out that it IS going to happen and all the females and their moms were emailed today and told about after church. Everyone, that is, about me. I am going to stick around until our SP gets back (he's back the 4th) and talk to him before I decide to step away. I'm sorry. If I were in her position and never had ONE meeting with her volunteers in 6 months...I'd be out the door.

Which I followed up by asking these questions:

1. Am I the problem? Am I not being flexible to her leadership style?
2. Am I being self-centered because this seems like it is all about me?
3. Do my concerns ignore what is best for our youth ministry?
4. I am really not needed there anymore? That really is a valid question.
5. Maybe I deserve this?

1. I could be part of the problem. It is conflict. It usually takes two people. I don't think it is a matter of not being flexible to her style (I go with the flow, lead something at the last second which is when she usually asks, etc.), but not getting hat her style is...or that her style is to not keep volunteers informed unless they are parent volunteers.

2. This is a tricky one. As I told Rob, Paul (the other non-parent volunteer) really doesn't care if he is in the loop or not. His response when asked to do something by Debra and even by me if I am leading something is, "Yes, master." I guess it is about me as far as wanting to be informed so I don't look like an idiot when parents ask me a question and I am clueless. So, while the issue itself is not all about me...not wanting to look stupid is and I am not sure that is a problem. If volunteers are uninformed that doesn't help the youth ministry.

3 & 4. If I take a good look at this one...I am the only female weekly volunteer in our YM. Parents come in and help with events and teach from time to time...but I am the only consistent female volunteer. While my focus is JH...we do combine for the first half of the group and so I am there for our HS girls a bit as well...but that is more Debra's gig. IF Debra is only here for a year (it is a year to year thing) and we go back to a 100% volunteer ministry and I step away there will be no female leaders...period. So...my first thought is that my concerns, if nothing is done, can hurt our YM unless other women step up. If I'm gone maybe that would happen. I'm not holding my breath though. She tells me I am needed, but has a funny way of showing it.

5. Okay...that isn't a "real" question as far as figuring this stuff out...just a default reaction to all of it.

Not making any real decision yet. It has meant so much to be back in YM and to have been asked by my SP to come back as a volunteer was/is pretty cool.

A New Year...A New Job???

I decided to try and step back into YM. Well, I am making an attempt at any rate. I have said over the past couple years if I went back into FT youth ministry I wanted to be part of a team and not the head honcho/top of the heap/fearless leader, etc. An opportunity has presented itself and my resume has been sent. Now begins the waiting game.

When I saw the blurb for it on YS, it took everything in me to not just send my resume that very second, but I really wanted to talk to Rob first. I wanted to sort out some pros and cons and get his take on my readiness. His first thought was this fits me like a glove. He said his first thoughts were the job is part of a ministry I love and an area of the country I love and have support/friends. He said it’s funny it happens now when I am getting such positive feedback from people at church (there have been some cool comments from people lately) and I have a great 2^nd job. He told me he can’t wait to see what God does with all this…whether or not I end up getting the position.

I’ve said in the past 7 years (almost) since I was a member there and then left (though I think my membership is still there) that I would love to be on staff. Not because of what the church is and who is a part and all the other “perks” that seem to go with that church…but because my time there was incredibly healing (okay…I went to RR in the midst of all that…but still), I grew so much in my walk and I was so content there it was amazing. I see some of that now where I am…but not like it was. It’s not even romanticizing it. Every time I go back it is like I have never left…with some cool changes.

It’s all in God’s hands and as Toni said…wouldn’t it be great if I had to choose between good and good? When I left IN there as very little to be sad about and I wanted out of there. I also knew I had the green light from God, too. This time around…it would be harder. I think of “my” JHers (mainly the 6^th graders) and how I would love to see them grow up into the men and women of God I see glimpses of. Then I look at something that has been a prayer of mine off and on for 5 or 6 years and if the doors fly open…I am ready to step through. If it doesn’t work out I will be bummed…but at least it doesn’t leave me in a place where I don’t want to be.

Rob said something about going back to Greg. If things happen I’ll call him and see if he’ll even take me back. If not, there are other options. But, even before I did that, I think I would “go it alone” for a bit. If anything, I think I would need Greg more for readjusting to So Cal than anything else.

Then there is Dr. D. To be able to see him on a regular basis would be a total blessing. There is also, of course, Disneyland!

I'm Baaack!

Where have I been? It’s been a busy month at the HP. Let me break it down:

HP: I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it! I am so glad I decided to apply and am so glad I was hired! There were a ton of events in December and I worked every single one. Dancing with the Stars was better than I thought and I met some neat guests during the event. I started working the info booths which I also like. Granted, I am not inside, but it gives me a chance to interact more with guests.

Get Away: I not only house sat until the 21^st, but I also got to house sit from the 23^rd until the 30^th. That was a total answer to prayer. One night at home and I was ready to throw everything away to deal with it. UGH! How does she function? Seriously. I have no idea. I just made brownies with “special dark” cocoa. She comes out to look at them and calls them n***** brownies. I am so serious!

“Everything:” After I hit my respective two year marks I have to think about how long it has been time wise. As much as I obsessed getting to the 24 month marks, it’s kind of funny that I have to stop and count. Other than the few days I was at home pre-second house sitting gig, I haven’t had an urge to cut. Food just absolutely baffles me. I do eat. Both house sitting jobs I bought Chinese food and it lasted a good 4 days. I tried to eat at work most nights and learned we have really good chili and baked potatoes. Not from an emotional standpoint, but from a purely food aspect I really want to get rid of everything I put in my mouth and yet I am trying to get in my eating “episodes.” OK…today was the first day I made a true effort…but I did it.

I have missed Rob. I see him today and it will have been TWO weeks. I think I called him once just to kind of check in…but I’ve been OK. A couple of months ago he was really frustrated and I mean REALLY frustrated and he told me he couldn’t pray for me anymore. He also told me he didn’t care what saying the words, “take a break” made me feel (OK…probably not quite like that…but close to it). This was right after Amy died and the timing was really bad. I decided to email him about it after our last session and I am so hoping he forgot.

Ministry, Children’s: It’s going well. I am looking forward to VBS (and we are over 6 months away), camp and working with the Jr. High kids that have stepped up as leaders. I am starting a more formal training process with them this month. I used some of my supply budget (it was use it or lose it) to pay for my PDCM registration and I can’t wait for April…even if I am going to miss some of the NHL playoffs!

Ministry, Junior High: I am so at the end of my rope. I have for sure tied a knot and am holding on. I really don’t mind being “just” a volunteer again…I have really enjoyed it…to a point. The first thing (recently) that happened was I didn’t get invited to the youth Christmas Party. Not only that…but she didn’t ask why I wasn’t there. Then when I received her Xmas card it wasn’t personal at all…she just slipped her business card inside. Finally, I was planning to go to Winter Camp and told her I was planning to go. I wasn’t included. She didn’t realize my “I can go” email meant I can go. So, I told her that this won’t be the last event, that I think it is great parents stepped up (which is true…I think it is FANTASTIC) and I’ll stay behind. To make it up to me I get to be “game girl” on Sunday and take pictures of all the Jr. Highers since she hasn’t taken any up until now…just of high school. I really don’t know how much longer I can deal with this.

Family: Mom still hasn’t found a job. She hasn’t even looked. She complains about having no $$ and throws around selling the house (which would not sell at all the way it is now) and yet doesn’t do anything to even try and solve the problem. My grandmother pretty much needs a cane at all times now and my grandpa sees a cardiologist at the end of the month. I don’t see that as a good thing. It’s pretty scary. I need out but really don’t feel as if God is telling me to go.

Holidays: Pretty low on the drama meter. There was something small and I don’t remember what. Dinner out was a bust. I need to write them a letter. I got the SJ Sharks watch I wanted and a bunch of movie ticket gift certificates! Woo Hoo! NYE was uneventful. My grandfather cooked and it was awesome! We came home and just watched TV. I always have mixed feelings about NYE. NYE 1999 (the fake millennium…good ‘ol Y2K) was a night I would rather forget. But I have to remember that I was really sick then and that I am not quite that person anymore.

So, that’s where I have been and I will try and be better for now on!

I've Been Tagged...

by PK

Favorite Musicals Seven for 2007...

1. Dreamgirls (just saw the movie...INCREDIBLE)
2. Rent (totally hooked)
3. The Lion King
4. Les Miserable
5. Pippin
6. Godspell
7. The Music Man

I could go on and on and on.

I tag Mel
I tag Mindi
I tag Friar Tuck

And that is kind of it. I have no clue who reads this anymore.

Oh...and I am still adding back all my blogs. Blogrolling doesn't seem to work well on the new Blogger and it takes time!

I'm Alive

I promise (if anyone still reads this thing) that an update is forthcoming. Just really busy and really whiny!