Monday, January 22, 2007

Under Pressure

It happened AGAIN. I talked my way out of First Aid, but I did get sent home early Saturday night. I am not sure what happened this time. I was fueled, I was hydrated and I was not in a new position. Toni thinks it could have still been food related, but also thinks (like Rob and I) it could have been anxiety related.

I had a salad late Saturday morning and wasn’t all that hungry later. One of the other usher’s works at a Starbucks and will bring goodies from time to time. I mostly look and don’t touch, but that night I had a piece of reduced fat coffee cake. I went to my position and all seemed fine.

Anyway, early in my shift I was holding onto a bag for a guest outside of my Club section while he went to get a program. Nice guy...hadn't been to a game in three years and was like a little was sweet. I love to see people excited to be there and to watch the Sharks play. It was no biggie to watch the bag and it wasn’t in the way.

So, he's heading back down to his seat when my supervisor comes by to check on me, give me any instructions that may be different from another shift, etc. She sees me with the bag and says, "Deneice, did you go shopping before work?" (She knew I wouldn't do was all in fun) I handed the bag back to the guest and said, "No, I was just holding onto a bag for a guest." Then she tells me that she knew it would be something like that because that's something I would do! That was nice, sweet, etc. However, I am having a hard time with all of this.

I want to scream that I have the whole staff fooled and they have no idea what a loser I am...but I keep my mouth shut. It's so hard to watch people who have been there for years get stuck with places that I have never been assigned to and find myself in places it took some TWO years to achieve. Thursday night they sent someone home so I could take their place and not be sent home. I sit and listen to people complain about their assignments, being sent home without an option (we are guaranteed 3 hours no matter what…not great…but $$ is $$), etc. and I just keep quiet. We all get the bad spots; we all are subject to being released, etc. The fun and the people far outweigh any perceived negatives.

The job is a total blessing. However, the "exceed guests' expectations" is dangerous ground for me because it brings out my perfectionist tendencies. I mean we were 4th in the world in non-sports revenue, we are either #2 or #1 in guest services and that is great! It can be anxiety producing.

But, I haven’t had that throw up/pass out feeling since November and so I found some way to not be anxious I am going to blow it. I just don’t know what. I think the positive feedback is seriously blowing my mind and Saturday was just the straw that broke the camels back so to speak.

Rob is having a field day with this! It's no secret to anyone that this is a huge issue for me and I think he is "enjoying" watching me process all this out. The nerve!

One of the other things I like about the job is no one knows about my history. They have no idea about the ED or the SI. Some do know about the tattoo because we were talking about them a couple weeks ago and I mentioned mine. M and J were in shock. They didn’t think I was the type.

The ONE benefit of people knowing my history is that they usually watch the food/diet/weight talk around me. I think that is the sole thing that triggers me. Not magazines, not TV…but the food/weigh/diet talk. I generally do a pretty good job of coping…but a couple weeks ago I found myself so triggered and it didn’t dawn on me until this weekend.

I worked a double and had a break between events. There is this little Mexican place that has really good carne asada burritos. It isn’t “the burrito that ate Tokyo,” but it’s not tiny either. However, after only having a bottle of Boost and being on my feet for like 4 hours I figured it was fine. Plus, I don’t eat the whole tortilla. I eat about ½ and then unfold it and eat the filling. I get back to the arena, sit down with M and another J and unwrap the burrito from the foil. M takes one look at it and goes on and on and ON asking how could I eat the whole thing, that it would be a meal for three days for her, it was huge, etc., etc., etc.

I know that this is the “real world” and this goes on all the time…but I didn’t realize how ill equipped I feel to deal with that type of trigger. It does play with my head. Maybe she was right, maybe I did eat too much, blah, blah, blah.


Dreaming again said...

I wish I had some advice.

I don't feel equipped to handle the success I'm dealing with right now. I feel like a fraud and that it's a tight rope .. how long before people figure that out?

Panic is far more common since moving into this house than ever before ... everyone keeps asking me if I'm enjoying all this ...and I know that I should be ...this is really the best time of my life ...but a part of me is so scared I can't see straight.

What is it going to take for God to convince us both that we deserve what He's given us? It's going to be interesting to find out, isn't it?

Jeff Greathouse said...

Just want you to know that you are constantly in my thoughts.

Mel said...

People stick, many don't realize just how big a struggle weight is for alot of people, both the skinny people and heavier ones.

I'm glad to hear you are around this week though! If I'm coherent when I get off tonight (midnight ish my time), I'll call!

Da Youth Guy said...

Hang in there and remember YOU know what's right for you. Don't let yourself get sucked into other people's mind sets. They don't know.

I think it's great that you're so on top of what's going on both good and bad. It gives you a fighting chance. And so far you seem to be winning! Maybe that's why Rob is so chirpy about it all!