Hmmmmm....

I sometimes hate that I haven't kept up with this the way I want to. Lately it is because of zippo access at home for the moment. Long story...but I have a new lap top and I hate Vista. That is the basic gist...oh...and I wish I could afford more than dial up!

Anyway, VBS is coming up fast and I think that we are in OK shape. Not great...but it WILL happen and it will amaze us all. The main thing is getting kids (especially our own) to register. I did have a call from a parent letting me know her kids will be coming. They loved last year so I am excited to see them again!

Presbyterian Youth Triennium really isn't that far away either and I am looking forward to it and at the same time am not. Last time I had people I knew to hang out or at least touch base with. This year...no. Unless I am surprised an Andy is there...but I am not holding my breath. Not that I NEED someone there to hold my hand...but it helps! :)

Things at the HP have slowed and so I have two more training dates in the Event Office. I am excited about it except that one night is during the John Mayer concert and I really wanted to see him! That's OK though...I need to learn the position during all sorts of events. I have done an ice show and in June it is a Saber Cats game and the concert. I also get to work Will Call for the first time. Best of all, I don't have to work Joel Osteen. I am sorry if you like him, I don't mean to offend...but he is not my cup of tea! The big downside? Besides Strikeforce I have to be at the HP at 7:00 AM the day AFTER VBS! UGH, UGH, UGH!

Things here at church seem to be going well. My numbers pretty much doubled because of CL. I really like the CL kids and that gives us boys...something kind of lacking in the "Anglo" portion of our congregation. I am learning names, but I need to find out ages/grades. The kids know English, but it is a challenge with the parents though we are finding ways and I think it will be fine. This summer we are using a Saddleback DVD curriculum so I can gauge how we are doing and what I need to do as far as teachers and leaders in the fall.

Food still stinks...big time. My weight hasn't budged in weeks which is annoying, but I am not too surprised. Between years of ED and PCOS going undiagnosed my metabolism is a mess. I think the gym will help fuel the furnace a little and I know eating would do that as well, but the desire isn't there a whole lot. I mean I do eat and there are times when I feel like I am doing nothing BUT eating...but I also see that as a distortion. I think the frustration is burning 800+ on the cross ramp and using the weight machines and seeing the scale not move at all. I am trying really hard (and succeeding) to not spend more than 90 minutes at the gym 3-4 days a week...but I really want to be there longer. I would like to do 90 minutes of cardio and then the weights. Make that the other way around. Studies are showing if you do the weights first and then do cardio you burn up to 10% more calories the rest of the day!

My grandfather either has prostate cancer or they aren't sure. My mother has been going with him to appointments and I can't get a straight answer from anyone. I am unamused. I realize it is HIGHLY treatable...but I'd like to be in the loop. I am 37...not three or seven and I think I can handle whatever. The 18th he is going for some procedure and I am picking him up and I'll know more then, unless I can get the 411 from him directly.

I am also in the this weird place that missing sessions with Rob has me stressed and feeling really "weird." I haven't had problems with this in a LONG time. But, ever since my So Cal trip, it has been an issue. Missing Monday was really hard and now I had to cancel the 18th for my grandfather and probably the whole week after that because of VBS. Then I leave for PYT and come home and he is on vacation. I hate that for whatever reason I need him so much right now. It's not like anything life shattering is going in therapy at the moment, but I really hate when we have to skip sessions.

Okay, I am off to make up my VBS wish list!

I'm Weird!

And I know y'all knew that! I was tagged by Ryan to come up with six weird/strange things about me and then tag 6 others.

1. I love Junior Highers! I started my youth/children's ministry career with high school ministry...but I LOVE Jr. Highers. In fact, I am leading tonight and our YD told me that when the JHers knew I was coming and teaching they said they would be there.

2. I am a "girly girl," but if a hockey game goes by without a big fight I am sorely disappointed when I go home.

3. When I was in school I had a tendency to work ahead and completed my 5th grade math book by Christmas vacation.

4. All my volunteer experience (CC, Saddleback) has been in mega-churches. All my paid experience has been in churches 250 and under.

5. I love to cook/bake and share it with others instead of trying it myself.

6. I don't mind vacationing alone.

I tag:

Mel, Jeff, PK, Todd, Clint, Brian

Jars of Clay

Today I am taking a me day because I know if I went into work then I would get nothing done because my mind is all over the place about today.

One thought occured to me. OTHER than God, which is a given, the most consistent thing in my life the last seven years has been my love for Jars of Clay. Go ahead and laugh...but it's true. I mean it has been LONGER than seven years...but when it comes to Marc, Greg and Rob...all three are ties to Jars' music in my mind for one reason or another. Kind of odd...but it's really funny. I heard a song from the CD "If I Left the Zoo" and that reminded me of Marc. Not the song...but there is a song from that CD.

Greg more because he had to hear me babble on about them when I saw them in concert about a zillion times. They didn't have a CD come out when I saw him.

Rob gets the bulk of my Jars' talk. I buy a CD, download onto iTunes and loan it to him. I think I have done that with every CD in the last 4 years. So dorky...but I have given him an appreciation for them!

I really wanted to take today and reflect on my last session with Marc and what I feel about it. But, that hasn't happened. In fact, I have done anything I could to not think about the emotions of it all. It stunk, the way it all happened was unfair (in my opinion) and there would be a lot I would do over. The last few years I have been able to sit back and be thankful for the time we had, for everything he did (right or wrong) and for setting me on this journey. Not this year. I mean I can still do all that...but I also feel like my heart is being ripped out of my body yet again.

That's the one thing I told (well...wrote to him) him about 2 months after he told me he would be leaving CIFT. I wrote it was like I was having heart surgery and he gets called away. Someone else CAN finish the job, but that person hasn't been there since the beginning and they weren't the one holding my heart in their hand. Sappy...but at the time I thought it was brilliant. That's what I get for thinking!

Anniversaries

I promised a post on the anniversaries I eluded to so here it is. Although, I have to mention this first: something happened to my computer and I lost EVERYTHING document/picture/music wise. It’s really kinds of weird. If anyone has a clue how I can get them back, please let me know. I am pretty sure it is all gone forever…and it is the pictures that break my heart. All my important documents are burned on CDs and what I lost wasn’t totally important, but I did lose part 3 and the beginning of part 4 of my ED articles for YMX, I lost my resume and some other stuff I was in the process of burning onto CD. I lost everything on iTunes. THAT is a killer.

I had emailed Rob about the dates and when he asked me about them yesterday I didn’t know what to say. I still don’t. Seven years ago yesterday, I spent a few hours in the ER talking my way OUT of being admitted to the psych ward after a half hearted suicide attempt. Half hearted may not be the right words. More of…part way through I snapped out of whatever zone I was in and stopped. It was a definite if one Prozac is good then several more must be better, didn’t put any real thought into it thing. It seemed like a perfectly normal thing to do. Get up, go to church, call my mom and grandmother and tell them Happy Mother’s Day, hang up and take a bunch of pills.

It was impulsive and yet and the same time I lied to Marc when I walked out his door for the next to the last time and told him I was safe when I knew it wasn’t true. It kind of became a thing the last few weeks…verbally contracting for safety. To my “credit,” I did call him later and told him I lied…but that I was OK. It’s not like he didn’t know I was constantly counting my Prozac leading up to what happened. I told him. My guess is I figured if I talked about it, it might prevent me from actually doing anything about it.

Seven years later I have no clue what I feel about it. Part of the time I am really glad I snapped out of it because there are things the last seven years I wouldn’t have missed for anything. Part of the time I could kick myself for snapping out of it and absolutely wish if I hadn’t carried it out then that I would have in 2003.

It hasn’t 100% occupied my thoughts and I am still not sure if I feel regret about not doing enough to kill myself that day or not. You’d think I’d have more to say this far removed from the whole thing…but I don’t.

The other anniversary is Thursday. It will have been seven years since my last session with Marc. I guess that is where I regret a lot of things…mainly for really clamming up for almost five months. Not that I didn’t talk in that time…but the day he told he’d be leaving we might as well have quit seeing him then. He knew how absolutely devastated I was, he knew that I couldn’t deal with it and, for better or worse, he allowed me to rely on the written word to tell him all that. The second he tried to bring the subject up I would shut down. Stupid and immature I know…but I didn’t know how to handle it. I still maintain telling me 5 months before the fact was not the smartest thing to do and I would love to know his thinking.
I really try and not paint that time all nice and rosy because it wasn’t. There were days I pretty much plopped down on the couch and simply wanted to sleep because I was exhausted. I guess the no food and at times exercising my head off will do that to a person. I remember once he told me that was OK and if I needed to sleep I could sleep…but really couldn’t do that and have him watch me sleep for an hour! I ended up in the ER pretty much once a month the whole time I saw him for one reason or another. When he suggested meds the evaluation I went through at Kaiser was awful. I put him off for months and after what happened, I probably should have kept blowing the suggestion off!

But, for all the “red flags” that supposedly were there (according to my therapist when I went to Remuda the first time)…there are a few things that I will be eternally grateful for:
1. He took me on when even though I told him I was pretty much forced to be there and was only about 30% sure I wanted to be there.
2. He didn’t expect me to give up any behaviors until I was ready. This may have been not such a good thing, but didn’t seem any different than what my friends’ therapists were doing. Obviously the goal is to stop, but at that point, there would have been no way I could have stopped. I managed around 12 days (in a row) at one point, but that was it.
3. He instinctively knew when I needed a call. There were a few occasions where I hadn’t called him (hadn’t needed to really) and he called me. The two times that stand out are before the icky evaluation at Kaiser. I was really anxious and about 11 PM my phone rings. Considering I wasn’t falling asleep until 2 or 3 in the morning it figures it was the one night I fell asleep early! Just before he left to go out of town Easter 2000 he told me not to isolate. My car was in the shop and so that really impacted what I could do and where I could go except for Easter stuff with Gina’s family. Over the weekend he called me from wherever he and his family were for Easter to check up on me.

You’d think seven years later I’d be over it. It’s been a long time and I wouldn’t trade Rob for anything. In fact, the last couple years the date has come in gone and I have thought about it, but it hasn’t had me on edge, anxious, shaky…whatever it is that’s going on.

Season Over...Update 1

This is the HP Pavilion. Home of my 2nd job and of the San Jose Sharks! Having the season end prematurely was a heart breaker. Seeing Bill Guerin's injury, the shark and the squid I could have lived quite happily without seeing. I was at the end of the team bench (outside the glass) for game 4 and saw the shark (long story...even longer how it got IN the building) and saw Guerin as they brought him off the ice. The last 90 seconds of Game 6 a Red Wings fan threw a squid on the ice. It had probably been hidden in his pocket for a few hours. The stink was soooooooo bad. But, there wasn't anything any of could have done. A few of us saw it, but couldn't stop it in time.

Another usher equated last Monday's game to the last day of school. The ushers are not seasonal and we work year round, but some people do take a leave over the summer and not every event needs all 170+ of us to work. In fact, I loved picking up my paycheck yesterday because I got to see people! Okay, there is a SJ Sabercats game on Saturday...but still!

So, we have a few months of no hockey and I am really sad. I will miss seeing my fellow ushers several times a week and I will miss the guests. I met some really neat people at the games and enjoyed having conversations with them.

More to Come

Just a quick hi to anyone who may still read this stuff. I will blog more about the end of the Sharks, season, what is up with me and food (though to my credit none of it is coming up!), what is going with therapy stuff (perfectionism...loads of fun!) and a couple of significant anniversaries coming up next week...the 14th ad especially the 17th. I sort of find it funny because the 4th anniversary of me leaving for LIFE the last time barely registered until the day of!

That enough to keep you coming back? ;)

But Wait...Here's More!

It's a Small World

I have always liked this scene!

I am going to tell the kids this is what will happen to them if they do not sign up for VBS!!

Frederick with my YOAMD prize!

More Pix!

Matterhorn

Who Are You?

In line for Star Tours

Everyone and their brother has shots like these...but I take one every year anyway!

Inside The Animation Building

Some of My Trip In Pix...Disneyland Pix!

The Jungle Cruise...or a self portrait?

Love the baby ducks! I can watch them for HOURS!

Getting ready to take off on the Astro Blasters

I really like this attraction. Even better when there is NO line!

The lobby of the Hollywood Towers Hotel!