Think, Think, Think...

I want to write about my vacation...in fact I will next week...but that's kind of not on my mind right now. It was a good week and I was very intentional about spending time with certain friends that have been the most supportive in the last several years. That was a great choice!

Yesterday Rob said he couldn't be sure what I was going to take from our session and I am pretty sure I attached myself to the wrong thing...but it got me thinking.

At one point he made a comment that I have to decide if the things in my life are worth living for or not and of they aren't to take my life. While I doubt that's what he wanted me to focus in on...since it has been an issue he should have known.

The fact is I have been under a suicide contract with him since 2003 which basically states that as long as I see him not only will I not do it...I will also not make an attempt. Doing so would mean automatic termination of therapy. That stupid little piece of paper has made a HUGE difference in keeping me somewhat sane and less impulsive. HOWEVER, given what he said, I now am thinking that maybe I should take the break he comes back to every few months and see what I really feel.

I have mixed feelings about it, but part of me wants to know.

This Week...

This was a good week to come "home." I didn't choose these dates for the reasons I am writing about, but because they worked out well for me. But, as I began thinking about this week, it was no accident.

Eight years ago tomorrow marks the date I made a half-hearted attempt at suicide. I went to church, came home and called my mom and grandma to tell them Happy Mother's Day and then took a few too many anti-depressants. There were a lot of "reasons." I was at my sickest (though still overweight...thanks PCOS!), I was depressed and my therapist was leaving. Big picture they are not good reasons (not that there is such a thing)...but it was enough to send me over the edge. I knew I wasn't safe. I lied to Marc and then called him later and told him I lied. Then two days later I called and told him what I had done. I was at the hospital when he finally checked messages and called me back. I don't know HOW I talked my way out of being admitted that night, but the psychiatrist let me go.

That happened, two days later he left and I went into the hospital for almost a week. I came home, went home to San Jose ended up in the ER for dehydration and started looking into IP treatment at Remuda.

The beauty of this week is being surrounded by friends who walked that road with me. I intended to not tell anyone I was here...but I got to Orange County and that all changed. I spent two hours with someone who never gave up on me. I lost a lot of friends and had a lot of relationships change because of the ED...but Kari was a rock. She got me out of my office once a week and was OK with the fact she ate and I drank Ensure Light. It was so good to have lunch with her. I even ate real food!

My chiropractor is the other person. He was the first person I told I relapsed. He acted as my doctor, my therapist and the catch all for a long time. He doesn't charge me for office visits (and hasn't for over 8 years) and he once told me that he would do whatever he could to minister to me. He has been a prayer warrior and outside of Rob is the only other human being I trust 100% with EVERYTHING. We've had our moments...mainly when I was really sick...but that hasn't changed our relationship.

In some ways I seem so different than I was then and in others it's like yesterday. All things considered I am in a better place emotionally, but I still miss Marc at times and it's no secret there are times I wish I had succeeded in ending it and let's face it...I am close to or possibly IN a relapse...but as long as I am still breathing there is still hope.

Tomorrow I will go back to Disneyland/DCA and then see my chiropractor afterward. It feels so good to see him this week. It feels good to have people in "real time" that I know haven't given up on me even though I keep falling over and over. I'll again acknowledge the day but then go on with the day. I still have a jungle to cruise, a land full of fantasy to explore and a trip on the Rivers of America needs be taken! Then I will drive to Irvine, sign in and tell Doug once again how happy I am he is in my life and how much he means to me.

On Saturday I will try and remember what Marc's letter said to me and try to block out the questions he left me with when my stupid stunt trumped what I think we both wanted our last session to be.

I am trying to depend on walking around instead of killing myself in the workout room here at the hotel. I am not a treadmill or bike person so it's the best option. I was doing fine on no food until I got off Space Mountain. I can't believe I paid $1.75 for a banana! Better that then hitting the pavement.

Went to ESPN Zone for dinner. Couldn't finish it. I ate all the chicken, but there was enough pasta there for three people! I hated leaving it because it was really good, but there was no way I was going to put that much food in this body!

Day 1 (well...evening 1)

Day 1

Today is my first full day. I drove down yesterday and it only took 5 1/2 hours. Hmmm... I wasn't going THAT fast and other cars were passing me.

I wanted to sleep in, but that wasn't to be! So, I am up and showered. I need to pack up in an hour or so. I think I'll do the pedicure before I go semi-surprise my chiropractor. He knows I am coming...just not sure when I'll show up in his office.

Tonight my friend Steve and I will head out to the Angels game. The picture is from last year. This year I got us tickets on the Club level. That should be fun...and they do in seat service!

Food stuff has me stressed. I am hoping away from the eyes of my mom and stuff that maybe I can normalize it a little...take in a bit more than I am now. Thankfully, there is Bengal BBQ at Disneyland and I could eat there 24/7.

I just need to keep in mind that for four days of this trip I am going to be walking...a lot and that means it's OK to eat more/different stuff than I have been in the last few months.

The BIG Question...

Let me just say that my ED as well as almost everyone else who has or has had an ED is NOT vanity related...not at the heart of it anyway. I think that's clear, but one would be amazed how many out there believe it is all about food/weight/looking good, etc. I just kind of liked the graphic.

That being said, I can't deny that the weight loss for me isn't a good thing. It has helped with the PCOS stuff (though frankly it's making my cycle go all wonky) and while I truthfully don't SEE it or even feel it really...I know how my clothes fit...as in NOTHING fits. I may not be able to deny it, but Toni does. She very much feels that weight loss for me is not needed right now because the point was to get me in a stable eating pattern for a period of time before it was addressed. I am not sure when I decided I hated weighing XXX (yeah...like I'd actually admit how much) and needed to do something about it. IMHO, a 30+ pound loss in three months is not excessive or too quick a loss. I have dropped that much a lot quicker in the past. I am NOT at the gym 7 days a week (heck...I think I am looking at only 2x this week), I am NOT purging and I AM eating (sort of). And, other than the first week in April when I had those almost passing out problems I have been fine.

Who am I trying to convince? Those who still may read blog this or myself? Toni pretty much thinks I have relapsed, I won't ask Rob because his answer will be, "It doesn't matter what I think...what do you think?" He also seems to think if I choose to make the right decisions I am going to be able to pick up a fork and eat a plate of pasta (in a moderate amount, of course). I think that's where a disconnect is happening. I stare at menus, I stare into the fridge and I want to eat...I really do...but there are times where I honest to goodness simply "can't."

I have always found the "fat aspect" fascinating with my whole ED-NOS diagnosis. It is what it is because I AM overweight (thanks to PCOS and some unhealthier eating habits growing up I'm sure), but my thought process and my tendencies all lean toward anorexia. It's almost funny being afraid of getting fat (though I guess "fatter" is more appropriate) when one already is 40+ pounds overweight...but there it is. It's real. I am often in the mindset that whatever I eat is immediately going to turn me into a bigger blimp than I am now, but I have to allow some stuff because I need to keep the body functioning and that includes a bit of actual fat. Yes, intellectually I know the fat in food and the fat in my body are not the same thing...but in the moment that doesn't help nor convince me that I need it.

I no longer weigh what my CDL says I do. I hadn't been at that weight in ages and I am now below it. Believe me, the weight ON my CDL is way above my IBW in the first place...but I was heavier than it said. But, as a few of us were talking about...how many women put their true weights down in the first place!

Do I think I have relapsed? No. I just don't. I think I have hit a rather large bump in the road, but that I am nowhere near relapse. I need to figure out what I am getting from this bump
in the road to keep it going and that is where I am stuck. I don't feel as if I am getting anything out of it. Rob says if I didn't I'd stop. I am getting frustrated at myself, I am getting to where there are a fewer are fewer things I feel comfortable eating (though I did add eggs in)...but beyond that I am not sure what the payoff is for me. Except I can now tap my collarbone!