Tuesday, May 13, 2008

This Week...

This was a good week to come "home." I didn't choose these dates for the reasons I am writing about, but because they worked out well for me. But, as I began thinking about this week, it was no accident.

Eight years ago tomorrow marks the date I made a half-hearted attempt at suicide. I went to church, came home and called my mom and grandma to tell them Happy Mother's Day and then took a few too many anti-depressants. There were a lot of "reasons." I was at my sickest (though still overweight...thanks PCOS!), I was depressed and my therapist was leaving. Big picture they are not good reasons (not that there is such a thing)...but it was enough to send me over the edge. I knew I wasn't safe. I lied to Marc and then called him later and told him I lied. Then two days later I called and told him what I had done. I was at the hospital when he finally checked messages and called me back. I don't know HOW I talked my way out of being admitted that night, but the psychiatrist let me go.

That happened, two days later he left and I went into the hospital for almost a week. I came home, went home to San Jose ended up in the ER for dehydration and started looking into IP treatment at Remuda.

The beauty of this week is being surrounded by friends who walked that road with me. I intended to not tell anyone I was here...but I got to Orange County and that all changed. I spent two hours with someone who never gave up on me. I lost a lot of friends and had a lot of relationships change because of the ED...but Kari was a rock. She got me out of my office once a week and was OK with the fact she ate and I drank Ensure Light. It was so good to have lunch with her. I even ate real food!

My chiropractor is the other person. He was the first person I told I relapsed. He acted as my doctor, my therapist and the catch all for a long time. He doesn't charge me for office visits (and hasn't for over 8 years) and he once told me that he would do whatever he could to minister to me. He has been a prayer warrior and outside of Rob is the only other human being I trust 100% with EVERYTHING. We've had our moments...mainly when I was really sick...but that hasn't changed our relationship.

In some ways I seem so different than I was then and in others it's like yesterday. All things considered I am in a better place emotionally, but I still miss Marc at times and it's no secret there are times I wish I had succeeded in ending it and let's face it...I am close to or possibly IN a relapse...but as long as I am still breathing there is still hope.

Tomorrow I will go back to Disneyland/DCA and then see my chiropractor afterward. It feels so good to see him this week. It feels good to have people in "real time" that I know haven't given up on me even though I keep falling over and over. I'll again acknowledge the day but then go on with the day. I still have a jungle to cruise, a land full of fantasy to explore and a trip on the Rivers of America needs be taken! Then I will drive to Irvine, sign in and tell Doug once again how happy I am he is in my life and how much he means to me.

On Saturday I will try and remember what Marc's letter said to me and try to block out the questions he left me with when my stupid stunt trumped what I think we both wanted our last session to be.

I am trying to depend on walking around instead of killing myself in the workout room here at the hotel. I am not a treadmill or bike person so it's the best option. I was doing fine on no food until I got off Space Mountain. I can't believe I paid $1.75 for a banana! Better that then hitting the pavement.

Went to ESPN Zone for dinner. Couldn't finish it. I ate all the chicken, but there was enough pasta there for three people! I hated leaving it because it was really good, but there was no way I was going to put that much food in this body!

No comments: