Friday, May 09, 2008

The BIG Question...

Let me just say that my ED as well as almost everyone else who has or has had an ED is NOT vanity related...not at the heart of it anyway. I think that's clear, but one would be amazed how many out there believe it is all about food/weight/looking good, etc. I just kind of liked the graphic.

That being said, I can't deny that the weight loss for me isn't a good thing. It has helped with the PCOS stuff (though frankly it's making my cycle go all wonky) and while I truthfully don't SEE it or even feel it really...I know how my clothes in NOTHING fits. I may not be able to deny it, but Toni does. She very much feels that weight loss for me is not needed right now because the point was to get me in a stable eating pattern for a period of time before it was addressed. I am not sure when I decided I hated weighing XXX ( I'd actually admit how much) and needed to do something about it. IMHO, a 30+ pound loss in three months is not excessive or too quick a loss. I have dropped that much a lot quicker in the past. I am NOT at the gym 7 days a week (heck...I think I am looking at only 2x this week), I am NOT purging and I AM eating (sort of). And, other than the first week in April when I had those almost passing out problems I have been fine.

Who am I trying to convince? Those who still may read blog this or myself? Toni pretty much thinks I have relapsed, I won't ask Rob because his answer will be, "It doesn't matter what I think...what do you think?" He also seems to think if I choose to make the right decisions I am going to be able to pick up a fork and eat a plate of pasta (in a moderate amount, of course). I think that's where a disconnect is happening. I stare at menus, I stare into the fridge and I want to eat...I really do...but there are times where I honest to goodness simply "can't."

I have always found the "fat aspect" fascinating with my whole ED-NOS diagnosis. It is what it is because I AM overweight (thanks to PCOS and some unhealthier eating habits growing up I'm sure), but my thought process and my tendencies all lean toward anorexia. It's almost funny being afraid of getting fat (though I guess "fatter" is more appropriate) when one already is 40+ pounds overweight...but there it is. It's real. I am often in the mindset that whatever I eat is immediately going to turn me into a bigger blimp than I am now, but I have to allow some stuff because I need to keep the body functioning and that includes a bit of actual fat. Yes, intellectually I know the fat in food and the fat in my body are not the same thing...but in the moment that doesn't help nor convince me that I need it.

I no longer weigh what my CDL says I do. I hadn't been at that weight in ages and I am now below it. Believe me, the weight ON my CDL is way above my IBW in the first place...but I was heavier than it said. But, as a few of us were talking many women put their true weights down in the first place!

Do I think I have relapsed? No. I just don't. I think I have hit a rather large bump in the road, but that I am nowhere near relapse. I need to figure out what I am getting from this bump
in the road to keep it going and that is where I am stuck. I don't feel as if I am getting anything out of it. Rob says if I didn't I'd stop. I am getting frustrated at myself, I am getting to where there are a fewer are fewer things I feel comfortable eating (though I did add eggs in)...but beyond that I am not sure what the payoff is for me. Except I can now tap my collarbone!


disordered girl said...

Hey there,
Thanks for reading my blog and sharing yours with me. I relate a lot to this, "I am often in the mindset that whatever I eat is immediately going to turn me into a bigger blimp than I am now." I am very much the same way unless I am eating small amounts of "safe" foods, which I always start out doing and then by dinner I am consumed by thoughts of having eating more calories than I should have.

Take care of you--30 pounds is a lot in three months.


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