How do I tell my mom that I feel like I am in complete relapse? Maybe I'm not...maybe I am just truly having a hard time...but since when does simply having a hard time mean I go to the gym and burn off 1200 calories and feel GOOD afterward?

I keep thinking about what my team told me. I showed I could fall flat on my face and pick myself up again. Ummm....yeah...that is because for 5.5 weeks out of my 8 week stay I was on a BEHAVIOR CONTRACT! They never let me see if I could do okay without the threat of discharge. I told Betsy that the contract would bring the perfectionist out in me. Maybe it's the stress of the job thing, not hearing from SDI yet, my mother (need I say more), etc.

I mean...I am making the choices I am making, but there is a ton of stuff behind all of it. Ugh...I am still sounding like I am trying to blame it on everyone but me and I don't mean to. It's like there is this lever inside me and it's been about 1/2 way between falling back and going forward and that it's harder and harder to push it forward. I got up at 3 AM Monday morning to see what had more carbs...peanut butter or cottage cheese. In the end I had an apple with PB for breakfast since I was heading to the gym and needed the extra calories and stuff for the work out. But do normal people DO that? I don't think so.