We just completed our calendar meeting for the next few months. Wow! It is neat to see how "busy" we are and rthe variety of events...Latin American Fellowship, choirs, Kids Club, Advent, Lent, VBS, Servant Evangelism, etc. My head hurts. I am about to get a lot busier and that makes me pretty happy...but I won't have the hours to do all they want me to!

I remain on an oral safety contract with Rob. I almost thought he was going to have to talk to my mom last night and explain why she needed to take me to the ER. I cut and this one bled...a lot...and I thought it was going to need stitiches...but it stopped and it's ok. I emailed him last night after a really frustrating evening with my mom and explained to him that these feelings have been here since before I left Remuda...and that even when he knew I was stockpiling my meds we didn't talk about it though he made time for me that one Saturday because of how I was feeling. I also came clean about tonguing my sleep meds my last week at LIFE because I never told him about it when I came home.

Today I found myself looking at this four day weekend we are going to end up with that would be perfect for me to carry through my plan...but I am not sure if the weather will cooperate in Half Moon Bay that weekend. I promoised Rob I am safe through Christmas because I haven't started his Christmas present yet. That also gives me weeks to try and get all that I am feeling OUT. We made a game plan that I will no longer go straight home after a session because of my mom's expectations of how I "should" be after a session (happy/peppy) but go to the library or Starbucks and process and compose myself before going home. Good plan.

Last night was my night talking to my Aunt Joy...she was drunk...as usual. She is married to my Uncle Mike who was best friends with the guy that molested me...until the police got involved three years later. That made for interesting conversation. We didn't talk about that...but it was another way that brings it all back yet again...not that it's much below the surface anyway as this has been my life in therapy...but just another reminder. I haven't seen my uncle since a year or two after it happened and he didn't know it happened until I wrote him 10 years ago or so and told him.

I just want it to stop...I feel like I am living in a dark pit and every day it gets worse and I just want it all to stop.