For the life of me I could NOT say ANYTHING to Rob as I had planned. I don't know if it is because I felt "ambushed" and not ready to jump in...or I was not ready to discuss that my feelings about living this life haven't changed and was put off that he didn't "get it." So, I was silent, I was evasive ("look..this makes Frederick's ears look like Princess Leia," "Rich Gannon is out for the season," "Rattay is starting on Monday," "Charlie gets to go to the game and I am soooo jealous.") and other assorted things that drove him nuts.

After he lectured I told him the words are just stuck. So, he let me write it. I was honest. Told him I have another 3000 mg. of Trazadone waiting to be picked up and add to my stash and that I had no plans for the meds...just that I had them "in case." Then I went into the reasons why I hate that he is nice to me. And we talked about it a little.

He prayed and I got up to leave and got my hug. He whispers in my ear that he cares about me and to watch the meds. I came home and emailed him reminding him exactly what I have on hand and that I am safe because I started my Christmas shopping. I just went back and read the email...I also made it clear I have a plan in mind...just no guts...yet.

He called a bit ago and I am on an oral safety contract with him...I stay safe between now and Monday...Monday at noon when I see him. Then we'll "talk about it." He wants my meds but he can't have them...because the thing is...they are my anti-anxiety and sleep meds and anti-depressant...I need my Lexapro and want the other stuff in case living here makes my anxiety rise again and/or I can't sleep.

I just feel incredibly alone...