It dawned on me at some point last night when I was emailing Rob. One of his bi-weekly questions is how I am doing inside...I usually evade that one by saying "breathing" and we move on.

Lately, we all know what "changing gears" means. As I gave him my two word answer and then told him I wish this had an off switch he asked me if I wanted a real answer to the "off switch." What he told me is stuff I have told myself and things that I know are true. To turn off the switch I have to keep talking about it...even small things or phrases. Rob said even the smallest comment keeps that part from continuing to swirl around. I told him, "I hate it when you make sense." He laughed and said, "Oh yes...Mr. Voice of Reason and Truth."

So, I am home later and watching "Buffy" and Spike and Buffy are talking. They had just spent the night together...but her simply in his arms being protected and not alone. At one point he asks her if she was right there with him (it being pretty much the best night of his life) and she said yes...that she made that connection. That whirled in my mind for hours.

I'm pulling away from the YS Boards, the YM Yahoo Group, IM and others because I have discovered everyone is too NICE to me. I can't handle it. The abuse (not just the sexual abuse) but the verbal and physical abuse has left me feeling so dirty and disgusting that it's hard to connect and engage after a time because I don't want to "contaminate" anyone.

Rob asked me what might happen if something serious happens to my grandfather since I seemed to be the only one able to be strong enough to deal with 911 and stuff. I said "My life becomes hell." He told me, "It will add a few extra flames to what you are living with already." Not that I 100% consider my life resembling a living hell...but yeah...there are parts that are and for him to acknowledge that and validate it...whoa.

So, as I was emailing him I was trying to figure out why after weeks of talking about the SA and getting through some of it pretty well...why the sudden shut down. He's being so nice and great and compassionate and I don't deserve it.