Let me start by saying I love Rob. The hard part about having a male therapist is that I can’t exactly tell him that. I can tell him how much I trust him, I can tell him he means a lot and that I feel very safe in his office and in his hugs…but anything other than that sounds funny. I almost blurted it out today though.
It was very, very awkward going in today. Things were so weird with my sort of misinterpreting stuff and even though we cleared it up (sorta) through email I still felt funny. I literally took a deep breath before walking into the waiting room.
We talked about how different Thursday was compared to other sessions, we talked about how it left me pretty zombie like until Saturday and how I could remember the movies I saw, but conversations with people were a bit of a blur. I could remember certain things about our session…but not the stuff when we were doing the back and forth thing. There was something I really wanted to remember and was frustrated I couldn’t. We moved on to a few other things.
We talked about my issues with being in control. We talked about what losing control would look like to me. As much as I fear losing control emotionally…I wasn’t sure what that would look like. Crying and not being able to speak, losing focus, thoughts all over the place, etc. I said not being able to keep the “negative” emotions at bay. The simple act of crying itself is losing control for me. So, we are going to work on that…since his office IS a safe place for me…we are going to work on me allowing myself to feel and know that he is there to make sure my emotional and physical feet are on the ground when I leave his office. He said that I have been so hyper-vigilant about every minute of my life that I need to find the balance. He said later he may have been a little sarcastic about that, but that he realizes it once served a great purpose for me…but that the stress is causes for me to live that way is not a good thing. He asked me what the worst thing that would happen if I lost control. I told him probably the worst thing is I would end up cutting.
We finally went back to him being me and me being the voice “thing” because I was really struggling with not remembering much of it. He hesitated only because we only had maybe 20 minutes tops if he went over with me a little bit. But, we kept it kinda neutral and he did a lot more of him being me and also him being him and I think that helped keep me from getting too emotional and having a hard time pulling it together to leave.
It worked though. It was weird because I didn’t look at him, kinda stayed curled in a ball with Frederick and focused on the “Kermit in the fake (??) Fichus” as we talked. We fell into the dialogue pretty easily and as we repeated stuff from Thursday what I was looking for came to me. There was the usual I wanted too much/needed too much stuff that I remembered from Thursday and then it came to me….the piece I had been looking for. I came out of my “fog,” long enough to tell him that was it…I got it…and then refocused and told him I am drain.
One thing he did that was “new and different” was as he spoke to me as him it was like he was talking to me at 3, 4, 5 years old (and older, too). He was saying things such as, “The big people really hurt you, didn’t they?” “The big people didn’t make you feel good about you, did they?” It was kind of funny…but resonated SO much with me that I really responded to it. I don’t know if there was something in my voice that became more child-like or if it was body language or the fact that all this stems from my childhood…and I guess it doesn’t matter in the long run. Thursday we will dive in more.
I did something that I hope made his day…or at least his hour…I handed over my rubber bands. Today marks 4 months since the last time I cut. I had the rubber bands on my wrist for at least three…but the damage was far less with those than with the blades.
Every so often he will ask me to leave them with him. I always tell him no because I have access to thousands of them at work so why bother. I know what I did on Thursday bothered him and he had asked me for them after our session last week.
As I was putting my shoes on after our session (I take them off because I always have my feet on the couch) I was telling him it had been 4 months and handed him the rubber bands. It was unexpected (really on both sides…more his though) and I could tell he was really happy that I chose to do that. I think because I can’t tell him I love him…I have to do it in other ways…baking, little gifts, handing over the rubber bands, etc. I feel very naked without them and want to get some and put them back on…but this is a right step. He knows that he may find new ones on my wrist Thursday…but for today at least…they are gone.
It was very, very awkward going in today. Things were so weird with my sort of misinterpreting stuff and even though we cleared it up (sorta) through email I still felt funny. I literally took a deep breath before walking into the waiting room.
We talked about how different Thursday was compared to other sessions, we talked about how it left me pretty zombie like until Saturday and how I could remember the movies I saw, but conversations with people were a bit of a blur. I could remember certain things about our session…but not the stuff when we were doing the back and forth thing. There was something I really wanted to remember and was frustrated I couldn’t. We moved on to a few other things.
We talked about my issues with being in control. We talked about what losing control would look like to me. As much as I fear losing control emotionally…I wasn’t sure what that would look like. Crying and not being able to speak, losing focus, thoughts all over the place, etc. I said not being able to keep the “negative” emotions at bay. The simple act of crying itself is losing control for me. So, we are going to work on that…since his office IS a safe place for me…we are going to work on me allowing myself to feel and know that he is there to make sure my emotional and physical feet are on the ground when I leave his office. He said that I have been so hyper-vigilant about every minute of my life that I need to find the balance. He said later he may have been a little sarcastic about that, but that he realizes it once served a great purpose for me…but that the stress is causes for me to live that way is not a good thing. He asked me what the worst thing that would happen if I lost control. I told him probably the worst thing is I would end up cutting.
We finally went back to him being me and me being the voice “thing” because I was really struggling with not remembering much of it. He hesitated only because we only had maybe 20 minutes tops if he went over with me a little bit. But, we kept it kinda neutral and he did a lot more of him being me and also him being him and I think that helped keep me from getting too emotional and having a hard time pulling it together to leave.
It worked though. It was weird because I didn’t look at him, kinda stayed curled in a ball with Frederick and focused on the “Kermit in the fake (??) Fichus” as we talked. We fell into the dialogue pretty easily and as we repeated stuff from Thursday what I was looking for came to me. There was the usual I wanted too much/needed too much stuff that I remembered from Thursday and then it came to me….the piece I had been looking for. I came out of my “fog,” long enough to tell him that was it…I got it…and then refocused and told him I am drain.
One thing he did that was “new and different” was as he spoke to me as him it was like he was talking to me at 3, 4, 5 years old (and older, too). He was saying things such as, “The big people really hurt you, didn’t they?” “The big people didn’t make you feel good about you, did they?” It was kind of funny…but resonated SO much with me that I really responded to it. I don’t know if there was something in my voice that became more child-like or if it was body language or the fact that all this stems from my childhood…and I guess it doesn’t matter in the long run. Thursday we will dive in more.
I did something that I hope made his day…or at least his hour…I handed over my rubber bands. Today marks 4 months since the last time I cut. I had the rubber bands on my wrist for at least three…but the damage was far less with those than with the blades.
Every so often he will ask me to leave them with him. I always tell him no because I have access to thousands of them at work so why bother. I know what I did on Thursday bothered him and he had asked me for them after our session last week.
As I was putting my shoes on after our session (I take them off because I always have my feet on the couch) I was telling him it had been 4 months and handed him the rubber bands. It was unexpected (really on both sides…more his though) and I could tell he was really happy that I chose to do that. I think because I can’t tell him I love him…I have to do it in other ways…baking, little gifts, handing over the rubber bands, etc. I feel very naked without them and want to get some and put them back on…but this is a right step. He knows that he may find new ones on my wrist Thursday…but for today at least…they are gone.
