Clarification....

I guess I should explain Rob’s comment. He did say that…but in an email I received from him after I THANKED him for finally agreeing with me. He said: “I affirm your feelings of feeling like a mistake - I don't agree with you in the way you perceive me to...”

Let me start from the beginning. Thursday’s session did not go well. Well…at the beginning it didn’t go well. I watched the DVD on “Mindfulness” and pretty much spent that hour snapping the rubber bands on my wrist. It got really red and a bit swollen and when we got into his office he saw it and that started us off on a bad note. I know it frustrates him that it seems like I am stuck right now and have been unable to move forward much.

It finally came down to what do I see as the biggest issue (or something like that) and I said the fact that I absolutely hate myself and that I know the truth of who/what I am makes it worse because I KNOW what the truth is…all I have to do is pick up the Bible. I talked about me being a mistake and at one point he agreed with me…not simply to affirm my feelings…but simply a, “Yes, you were and accident.” We went back and forth about it for a little while and then he tried something new. He was me and I was “the voice.” GREEAATTT…

So, I started out with “you are a mistake.” He was me and did what I told him I usually do…say “I am not.” Okay, that gets me nowhere and I don’t think I saw that. We do it again and he begins to question me/the voice. It really touched some painful stuff…but we got to what we needed to…what I needed to. Not that I have given much thought to it because I spent the rest of Thursday and all day Friday in kind of a fog. I was not fully present in anything I did.

Yesterday was much better…but I almost lost it again last night. Most of it had little to do with any of this…but it just compounded the feelings of being worthless and a mistake…that at my mother…but that is a whole other issue.

I REALLY wanted to cut last night. I could picture it, I could almost feel it…and I wanted it. I didn’t care that most of my scars have healed and that even though you can see them…they look a lot better and not quite as ugly. I just wanted to do it and get it over worth. Just once.

However, tomorrow it will be four months since the last time I cut and last week was five months since the last time I purged. I TRY to be happy about it and realize that it IS an accomplishment…but it still seems like not much in the scheme of things.