Sunday, February 20, 2005

Clarification....

I guess I should explain Rob’s comment. He did say that…but in an email I received from him after I THANKED him for finally agreeing with me. He said: “I affirm your feelings of feeling like a mistake - I don't agree with you in the way you perceive me to...”

Let me start from the beginning. Thursday’s session did not go well. Well…at the beginning it didn’t go well. I watched the DVD on “Mindfulness” and pretty much spent that hour snapping the rubber bands on my wrist. It got really red and a bit swollen and when we got into his office he saw it and that started us off on a bad note. I know it frustrates him that it seems like I am stuck right now and have been unable to move forward much.

It finally came down to what do I see as the biggest issue (or something like that) and I said the fact that I absolutely hate myself and that I know the truth of who/what I am makes it worse because I KNOW what the truth is…all I have to do is pick up the Bible. I talked about me being a mistake and at one point he agreed with me…not simply to affirm my feelings…but simply a, “Yes, you were and accident.” We went back and forth about it for a little while and then he tried something new. He was me and I was “the voice.” GREEAATTT…

So, I started out with “you are a mistake.” He was me and did what I told him I usually do…say “I am not.” Okay, that gets me nowhere and I don’t think I saw that. We do it again and he begins to question me/the voice. It really touched some painful stuff…but we got to what we needed to…what I needed to. Not that I have given much thought to it because I spent the rest of Thursday and all day Friday in kind of a fog. I was not fully present in anything I did.

Yesterday was much better…but I almost lost it again last night. Most of it had little to do with any of this…but it just compounded the feelings of being worthless and a mistake…that at my mother…but that is a whole other issue.

I REALLY wanted to cut last night. I could picture it, I could almost feel it…and I wanted it. I didn’t care that most of my scars have healed and that even though you can see them…they look a lot better and not quite as ugly. I just wanted to do it and get it over worth. Just once.

However, tomorrow it will be four months since the last time I cut and last week was five months since the last time I purged. I TRY to be happy about it and realize that it IS an accomplishment…but it still seems like not much in the scheme of things.

3 comments:

callieischatty said...

great blog

Dreaming again said...

Hey girlfriend!
Well, I understand your not wanting to celebrate. With the exception of that one slip up at the 20 month mark, it's been 4 years and 15 days since my last purge. 2 years, 2 months and 4 days since L&L cornered me and said "comply, or out" and I stopped all eating disordered behaviors. (with of coarse, the one slip in December when my doc said "diabetes" and I freaked out and decided 'you can't make me eat!' and stopped eating for the few days I had to wait on test results)
I can remember when I hit that first anniversary of the one year mark ... L&L were soooo excited, and I felt like I'd buried my best friend. It was awful and I hated it. I missed it terribly, at least until that one slip up at 20 months into it ... then I realized ... I didn't really miss it anymore, I just missed having the coping mechanism.

I know the truth about you too, because I've picked up my Bible ... you are fearfully and wonderfully made, you were formed before by God, made for His pleasure. He loves you and he holds you in the palm of his hand.
His gifts and callings are without repentance ...He doesn't regret making Deneice F. for one single minute, he rejoices over her with singing, and he loves her enough, that if she was the only person on earth, He'd still have sent his only son to die on the cross for her so that she could live eternally in heaven with him.

That's the truth. the rest, that's circumstances.

You were made because God wanted you to be made. He made you just the way he needed you to be, your broken heart will only begin to heal when you start to let God show you just how much he really really does love you!

D ... I love you too!

me said...

Good job!