Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Retreat Stuff...

This is the stuff I wrote during the retreat…well…until I started having a good time! ;)

It’s an hour until dinner -- but I already feel as if this was a HUGE mistake. I want to cut…I want to cut bad and I want to cut NOW -- anything to take away some of the anxiety.

I did the smart thing (for once) I left my room and went to the bookstore and bought a book. Now I am sitting in the Lakeside Lounge trying to figure out why I should stay. Right now I am really not coming up with anything.

I know why I want to flee…same reason I out off seeing Shay, the same reason I have talked about off and on the last couple weeks…I don’t feel good enough to be here with these women. I feel utterly lost in the sea of these people…these absolutely talented and wonderful women…I don’t belong among them…I feel like some impostor tying to fit in.

We have small groups tomorrow. HA! That is going to be a HUGE joke. I have nothing to say…nothing to offer. They pay me to teach their kids about Jesus…not blabber about something that 9 times out of 10 is Youth or Children’s Ministry related.

I should have brought my lap top. We have roughly FIVE hours of free time tomorrow. Ack! The one cool thing is I know my way around pretty well if I go into Santa Cruz.

One thing I ALWAYS tell my kids is that you are on a retreat, at camp, etc. not by accident. For whatever reason, God has called you here. I am trying to keep that in my own head! I was NOT supposed to be here. If Cindy hadn’t given me her spot, I would be home playing with Spike, waiting for my mom to get home from work, watching “Joan of Arcadia,” etc. But, here I sit trying to let being anxious OK and failing….miserably!

I keep telling myself telling myself to run -- to get out of Dodge as quickly as possible and come up with some really lame excuse. But I know that would be the absolute lame thing to do.

I also know I REALLY need to get over myself because in April I’m going to be at PDCM and there it will be a bunch of strangers, which actually makes it a little easier.

It was weird having people tell me they were glad to see me…

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