Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Email to Rob

So...I sent this yesterday...well...it's edited:

I think I am still trying to get my head around taking food out of the list of basic needs for life. Mainly because I think I am still convinced that the human body can thrive on less than 700-800 calories a day and that I haven't decided how much I want it IN my list of basic needs for life.

I look at it as something that that I have to do sooner or later, but have no real interest in and most of the time could care less if I dropped dead from not eating. There were so many times that I used to wish that a purge would finally be the thing to screw up my electrolytes and I'd just drop dead. No such luck.

Today as my mom and I were trying to decide what to eat...she said how about nothing? I told her that was perfectly fine with me...I wasn't too hungry anyway. We ended up at Togo's and it took me 20 minutes to decide and then about 40 minutes to eat it. I think what is going to be hard now is that she works until 7 and I can cook and then throw away a portion so she thinks I ate. And yes, I know that is totally nuts and the wrong thing to do, etc., etc. and right now I am not sure how much I care and THAT bugs me...because I don't want to be this way for the rest of my life.

Very slowly I am feeling it though. The cramps in my legs, the fact I am cutting down on water and liquid in general (I had a bottle of water about an hour ago...first other than a sip (when I took meds) this morning, probably the weird dreams, etc. But it feels very familiar and well...while I know that isn't a good thing...
I tried to eat today...well I DID eat and it was a mistake in terms of I had what I wanted rather than what was prudent and am paying for it. Yuck. Lesson learned. So, we will try again at dinner. I went and got my ingredients for the skillet dish I am making and we'll see what happen!


Rik said...

This is a great blog you have here.
Very interesting to read, so I bookmarked it.
[My blog][avatars and funny stuff]

Cliff said...

I had a three hour talk with a friend of mine last night who is dealing with an eating disorder like yours. Reading your site over many months has given me such an understanding into what she is feeling.

What she expressed to me last night is exactly what you said in this post, even to the point of preparing food and not eating it.

A tragic part, to me, is that she is now contending with urges to self injure. And this also I can now understand, thanks to your candor.

But the most incredible part of it all is the difference between her self image and reality. She noticed a man looking at her in a restaurant, and was distressed because she thought maybe her hair was messed up or she had food on her face or something. Yet, the real reason was simply that she is a very pretty young lady.

That never occurred to her.

Perhaps one day, we can ban all the scales and get magic mirrors that only show us the reality of who we are instead of a negative interpretation of it.