Wednesday, May 31, 2006

I Hate, Loathe and Despise Food...

That title isn't even that close to an understatement. If I had the choice...I wouldn't eat. I know I DO have the choice...but I mean the choice without the inevitable ramifications of not eating.

I started breakfast almost 2 1/2 hours ago. I am getting ready to eat the banana now. I had a bran muffin about 7:15 this morning. I am really losing steam with this whole thing. I trashed my cottage cheese yesterday. It has nothing to do with it being cottage cheese. I LIKE the stuff. It had more to do with it being food. Since this whole eating three times a day is again a relatively new concept for me...I am really sticking with "safe foods" for breakfast: the muffins, fruit and cottage cheese. It's odd...if this was going to be my ONLY meal of the day...I'd branch out, but it's not so I reign it all in and do what is safe.

One wold think that after almost two weeks of this so called "normalcy," the roar of hunger would die down. Not so much. I think that is the worst part of all of this. I knew Toni would be thrilled with the fact...thakfully she also realizes that I am NOT and that I could stop without warning. I honestly hate the fact that I get hungry. I think it is insulting that I should be hungry. How warped is that? I do understand it is because I think I don't deserve food/nourishment, but understanding it and living with the tension are two different things. Please, please, please don't list reasons why I DO deserve'll be nothing TOni hasn't told me and truly nothing I don't already know in my's the journey to the rest of my body that I need to figure out for myself.

I have really struggled with the comments about me being "wonderful." I want to fight back with the "you don't know me other than through my blog/YS/YMX," "you read only what I write and you have no idea what I am like from day to day," etc. But, I am saying thank you. It's nice to hear when I am in a place that I don't get to hear it very often...other than Rob. He doesn't count...he gets paid!

Due to the holiday, I only get to see Rob twice this week. I miss it mainly because of the momentum. It can be hard to pick up where we left off when we go a whole week. Heck, I haven't eve emailed him or called him. Then again, I only call him to pass along American Idol info (i.e. if the results show was going to run over...his family had missed stuff because it ran a minute or two over), the latest sports talk, etc. I don't think I have called him for a "real" reason in ages. This is a good thing. We have about seven weeks before his annual vacation. That gives us lots of time.

Back to work!


Dreaming again said...

I have to see Lorie Tuesday ...she said come prepared to work. Time for authenticity more facades allowed. Time to allow hugs. Time to get down to below the masks ... *gulp*

Joann said...

Food: I have the Love Hate thing for food. I'm sorry I don't feel much sympathy for people that want to stop drinking or smoking. Big deal, don't need them to live but we do need food.