Saturday, May 13, 2006

Anniversary Part I

So, here I am again. Tomorrow is Mother’s Day. The dates have lined up just as they did back in 2000. Mother’s Day fell on a Sunday. The 17th fell on a Wednesday.

I know. I write about this every May, but this year it didn’t it me until Wednesday how the dates were lining up!

On May 14, 2000, I made a half-hearted suicide attempt. I am not sure if it was half-hearted as much as sense got knocked into me before I was able to do any damage to myself. Two days before that, May 12th, I had my next to last appointment with Marc. He knew I was on shaky ground. We talked about it. I was very open with him about how many pills I had and that I had spent a lot of time counting them. Each session he asked me if I was safe and I told him yes. That afternoon I lied. Then I got to The Block to go see a movie and called to tell him I lied. I lied, but that day I really thought I was going to be as fine as was possible at that point.

I think was just emotionally and physically spent. I was hardly keeping food down, he was leaving in a few days and it all seemed totally pointless. Robbie didn’t even know how bad things were. Well, physically he did because he was afraid I was going to pass out on him during our morning walks, but I never let on to the other stuff. My guess was he was stunned when I called to tell him I was in the Psych ward.

On the morning of the 14th I got up, went to church, served with the 5th and 6th graders and came home. I called my mom and grandmother to wish them Happy Mother’s Day, took a nap, got up and took a few too many Prozac. It’s weird because I realized on the way to church I had forgotten to take my meds and had just planned to take them later. “Them” being one pill…singular…not what I ended up taking. It seemed like the most natural thing in the world to do. Just as I was getting ready to take a second handful the sense got knocked into me. It really didn’t do enough damage, but after IMing with some people from Something Fishy, they talked me into going to the ER. Luckily, they let me go after the Psych consult.


Dreaming again said...

*Hugs* I'm glad it didn't work. You know that.

But I don't think I can tell you that enough. I owe you so much.

Thank you for being my friend.

Mel said...

Exactly what ^ said.
I love you!