Friday, May 26, 2006

The Problem with Eating...

1. The "Mom" Factor: After dinner and a snack last night...I was fine. Okay, I was still hungry...but I wasn't going to eat anything. I had three "eating episodes" yesterday and I was done. She was still hungry. I kept offering to make her something and she says, "If you aren't going to eat...neither am I." UGH! UGH! UGH!

2. The food itself: I am not used to eating so much. Okay, "so much" still isn't my full meal plan...but close enough. I hit a wall with breakfast yesterday, but it's been better this morning. After I am done with the muffins in the fridge...time to change things up.

3. "Control Freak:" Since I started this "listen to what Toni is telling me" thing...I have become really rigid with it. Not so much my meal times (i.e. I have been eating b'fast for almost an hour) as when I can start, when my last meal is, when I can have my night time snack, etc. This could be a problem.

4. Weight Loss: Yes, this is a GOOD thing...but the problem is what I have dropped in the last week. It really plays with my head. Now that I am getting my metabolism up and running...I want to figure out a way to rev it up even more to accelerate the loss more.

Then I take step back...

This is NOT about food or weight. Well, it is about food as far as me getting back on track for the first time since who knows when...but at the core of all this has very little to do with food and weight.

I blame Rob! ;) No, it really has to do with the work I am doing in therapy and anting to avoid the painful stuff.

A benefit of eating well for the last week has been being able to focus better in sessions. Not that I don't lapse into silence or that a "zillion" thoughts don't go through my head when he asks me something...but I am able to track with him better.

A HUGE problem/roadblock for me has been that I have been told that all I need to do (well...partially and not by Rob) is post some affirmations, read them all the time and that will change my thinking about me. Okay, I think that works for some people. I am not one of those people. We talked a lot about that yesterday.

We took the phrase, "I'm not good enough" and broke it down a little. For me, the phrse comes down to something that has been inrained in me since I was little kid. We talked about how that had to come from somewhere. That was an easy mom and grandmother. Then he hit the nail on the's more than just knowing it. It's delving into the emotions of it and grieving it and all that psychobabble that is very accurate. As I left his office and got to my car (it always works this way) it dawned on me that that is SO hard because I think I don't DESERVE to have any feelings over my childhood. Why? Number one...I am still convinced I deserved what I got and number two...many, many, many others have been through so much worse.

With the holiday Monday I won't see him until next Thursday, but I know we are going to have to dive into all this.


The new X-Men opens today!!! This is the first of the three movies where I won't be at Remuda! In 2000 I didn't see it until I got home in September and in 2003 I got to see it in Chandler...but not opening day! Woo hoo!


Dreaming again said...

*hugs* sigh *hugs*

The Thief said...

You are good enough, in fact, you are awesome! But I know what you mean about posting affirmations; it just ends up embarrassing me to read them if I've written them. I feel like I'm lying to myself.

Joann said...

this was a good post.

Da Youth Guy said...

I think we all need to come to grips with stuff from our childhood. Until we do it's just going to lurk.

As for others having a harder time than you, you're right but you're not responsible for them or their lives. You're only responsible for how you live yours.

I agree with the person who said you're awesome. Go ahead, be embarassed. It's still true!


Christina said...

Found your blog through blogexplosion. It's really good - very honest stuff!

My blog deals with some similar issues:

Best of luck to you!

Friar Tuck said...

Keep up all the good work