Sunday, May 14, 2006

Anniversary Part 2

I am really not dwelling on the whole thing. But this time of year it really does play out in my mind a lot. Today has been a good day so far. I am waiting for my mom to get home and then it is off to the grandparent’s house for lunch…most of which I cooked. I am a culinary genius. I may feel stupid and worthless 98% of the time…but the 2% that is in the kitchen is NOT dumb at all. Rob says from time to time I should change careers…but then I think the love I have for it and the joy I get from it would be gone. Doug said that what I do in the kitchen for others IS a ministry and “going pro” may take away from that. Not to mention the fact I can’t afford culinary school.

LATER:

So, while most of the day was fine…the end wasn’t so great. My mom is out of work and that’s all I am going to say about that. *Rolls Eyes* Anyway, she has an interview Tuesday and she wanted to make another dry run so she knows where she is going. If she EVER has to take a behind the wheel test again…she’ll flunk. Not only was she constantly going under the speed limit, she made and illegal left turn and when I told her she needed to get in the right lane to turn onto the street we needed to go home…she got into the LEFT lane. Once I finally got her to go into the right lane (she yelled at me and I told her it wasn’t my fault she can’t tell her left from her right) she almost gets us killed because she STOPS in between the two lanes and then tries to change over with a car coming on our right side. She told me she is never going to go anywhere in the car with me again. Not a problem. Unless we are going to my grandparent’s house, I am NOT getting into a car with her unless I drive.

Six years seems like a lifetime ago. In some ways I feel like a totally different person but in others I feel just as messed up as I did then. I think what scares me about that day is how impulsive I was. It never really occurred to me to NOT take a bunch of pills. Then I compare it to my last really serious bout with suicidal ideation and it’s like night and day. The last time I had plans, I knew what, had an idea when, etc. I think six years ago was a reaction to what was going on with Marc leaving, my declining physical and emotional health and just wanting it all to stop.

I’m exploring the whole “good enough” aspect of my life and it’s been interesting. I have realized that perfection would probably not be “good enough.” I have no idea what good enough is because I always feel that my best could be better and that there is something more I could do/should do/have to do/need to do. But I also know I am going to either burnout and/or relapse if I can’t get “good enough” through my thick head!

Heck…my mom said today I don’t need to eat. Maybe she’s right. This is a HUGE problem right now. As good as my So Cal trip was and as much as I was ready to come home…I think it triggered the beginnings of a depressive episode. For the first time in a LONG time I can actually tell. This is a good thing.

2 comments:

The Thief said...

I know what you mean about perfection probably not being "good enough" - it really isn't. not for me, either.

Friar Tuck said...

Self awareness always helps us combat our demons more effectively doesnt it?