My birthday stunk as usual. My mom claims that the store made a mistake on my cake (not that I wanted much of it anyway)…but I am guessing (as she has had ½ of it by herself) she didn’t. I also specifically asked for carrot cake and it was all chocolate. I ate a piece because I had no choice and she pretty much has polished it off. “Whatever.”

We got home from my grandparent’s house and my mom went out to drop something off for a friend of hers. I decided to check my email. Amongst all the junk mail was a post from the RR Alumni Yahoo Group I belong to. It was from another member letting us know that Amy K. committed suicide Tuesday. I met Amy when I was at RR the first time. We were in the same Home Group and so we had all out therapy groups together. Although I am older than she by 12 years…she was the one who calmed me down after my body tracing in our Body Image group, told me I could ride a horse and even more. The memories have been flooding back all weekend. She missed a therapy appointment and I am guessing her therapist sent the police. They are the ones who found her.

“We” all know that EDs carry a mortality rate of 20%. I think the stat is death from the ED…not suicide, but I could be wrong. Either way, it is a huge shock. Amy and I hadn’t talked for awhile. She approved me on her MySpace not too long ago and I checked it out last night and I left a comment on the 13^th just to say hi. I checked her Live Journal Friends to see if I could find out anything new and there wasn’t anything. It sounds as of her best friend in NM had no clue it was coming.

I’m not dealing well. I’m holding my own, but by a thread. As long as I am busy or asleep I am OK. I almost lost it during church this morning, I taught this morning and that was a good thing. I think I might have had to leave. My mother’s reaction was “What sent her over the deep end?” Gee…thanks for the compassionate response, Mom. I called Rob yesterday and left a VM. I guess he’ll get it tonight or tomorrow morning. Once he is gone on Fridays I have no clue when he checks messages again. This is the one time in a very long time I wish I was seeing Greg or Marc…at least I could page them if I really needed to. Okay, I never did even when I DID need to…but I think this is one case when I would have for sure. I see him at noon on Mondays so it is only a few more hours…but it’s a few too many.

The 2^nd job is going well. I got my first FOCUS (I can’t remember what that stands for) token for going above and beyond on the job. Not bad for less than a month! I really didn’t think I did anything above and beyond…but if my supervisor says so…I am not going to complain. It was kind of cool to get one. I am working a ton in November and I’m glad. I mean it doesn’t pay a lot, but it allows me to not have to choose between treatment team and paying stuff like my car insurance. Besides, it’s fun for the most part! We got discount tix for Disney on Ice. My family and I went Friday for $20...$5 each. Our seats were $25 seats! It doesn’t happen all the time, but it is a nice perk.

Tuesday is Trunk and Treat at church. I wish I could say I am excited about it. I think I was until last night. Now all I want to do is crawl into a ball and shut everything out. Not practical and it is not going to happen, but I really wish I could.

Am Mad As...??????

I don't do mad. I just don't. I also know that is a huge lie. There is no way possible to not get mad from time to time. I veil it in irked, bugged and other "polite terms" and for the most part I don't indulge in a lot of anger...but this weekend I finally, finally, FINALLY admitted to myself and then on Monday to Rob that I am mad at my mom. He asked me for what. I told him I didn't like to use the generalized "everything," but that about covered it. I'm mad about the abuse (of all kinda), I am mad because I have spent most of my life being her parent and I am sure there are other reasons.

This has very much been a huge thing for me and a not so good one. I spent the better part of Monday and yesterday trying to keep from cutting, trying to keep from using objects to hurt myself that I normally stay away from to try and deal with it. Now I know that had I used behaviors that would just add to the guilt, but there are times you really don't care. I think working the game last night helped. I was at the south doors so I was greeting people, helping them and then saying goodbye. We also won. The night just helped me focus on what I needed to do to give out guests a good feeling and, I will say it...I am so wired for this job!

I do struggle with the emotion. I struggle with not knowing how to "do mad." Growing up, anger was always (and I do mean always) violent. I know I don't have to do anything violent...but I think anger and I see out of control. At this point I am too tired to care either way.

Food is still really difficult. I almost flipped out at breakfast yesterday. We had a staff breakfast before our calendar meeting and it was hard to eat. I really haven't lost a lot a weight since the last almost 10 pound drop a few weeks ago. My metabolism is so messed up! Anyway, I guess I was wearing something that made people notice who didn't before. I always deny it. There are times when eating with other people sort of freaks me out. Yesterday was one of those days. I did okay...I "played" with my food for a bit, but I ate. I also managed to gain 1.5 pounds since yesterday. I know that isn't possible because I know what I ate and all the walking/standing I did at work, but it plays with my head.

Saturday I will be 2 years self harm free. While I didn't start self harming until AFTER my first stay at RR, it has been the hardest behavior to stop. I guess restricting is actually the hardest because I think I have only one 4 week period in the last 3+ years years that I have actually had three meals a day. I see it as less destructive because I am keeping the food down. I also know that it is still not good for me.

I think it's the depressive episode I am still in the middle of...but today is one of those days that I think the ED is going to kill me one way or another.

???????

I’m hiding. I have been convincing myself that I am okay…that I am returning to “normal.” But, I did something tonight that Rob tells me to do a lot…take a deep breath. Out of nowhere I just sat here and took one deep breath and in that breath, I felt/saw what is really going on. The tunnel is a little less dark…maybe a little less a black hole than it has been, but it is there in all its dark glory.

Things are better because I am eating a little more than I have been…but it is not all a food problem. I think I had myself convinced that because my mood improved a little bit that I was okay. I am so NOT okay and the awful thing about that is I still have no idea why. I really have no good reason to be depressed. I have no bad reasons either. But it is there…as certain as I am that I will wake up in the morning it is there.

It’s now morning! The way I see it is it stinks that I have major depressive disorder and yet at the same time I am able to handle the depressive episodes without meds and without jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. Before that freaks anyone out…I would never do that anyway. While I know that I have almost 100% chance of it working…the pain before the dying…no thanks! The fact I can kinda make light of it is also a positive thing.

I am 9 days short of two years of no self harm and 16 days away from my 37^th birthday. Neither ones thrills me all that much. My hate relationship with food stems from a lot of things and one of them is the fact food is a life sustaining thing. It’s scary to admit that is a problem for me. It goes against everything I know to be true as a Christian but the reality is that there is a huge part of me that hates the fact I am alive and eating makes it worse. At least I am not quite as disappointed as I have been that I wake up each morning.

My aunt called drunk last night. Toward the end of the conversation she told me to remember that I am always #1 with her and with my uncle. It took so much not to ask her if that was the case, why my uncle insists on having a relationship with the man who molested me. I get it…they have been friends since childhood, but that just makes it worse. I know I need to get beyond that little point…but it hurts a bit.

I feel like I am in limbo some of the time. Last Monday I walked out of Rob’s office feeling pretty good for the first time in a long time. I had shared with him what had happened at God Night. I did the closing prayer and it was no “big deal.” I know they have value…but I really don’t like to write prayers out ahead of time. It’s just not me. So, as I took in the night (with the good stuff and the stuff I don’t agree with theologically) I tried to at least prepare a bit so I wouldn’t get up there and stumble. While I do announcements on Sundays, it was my first time praying in church outside of being with the kids or youth. At the end I had a few people come up to me and compliment me on the prayer. Okay…that was a little weird in itself…but still nice to hear.

There was something else that had happened that week as well and I can’t remember what anymore. Rob made some comment about God sending me a message. Point taken. I left there and for the next 30 hours or so I began thinking that maybe I wasn’t a complete loser. That changed after I got the email from Debra. I still can’t put it in the right words…but I think after that I was really mad at Rob for about 30 seconds. I felt like he had me almost convinced that I wasn’t a loser…that I believed what he was telling me and getting my hopes up that I have been wrong about me and then in an instant it was gone. I say about 30 seconds because I snapped back to reality pretty quickly. Then, when Steve and I had that talk on Wednesday it pretty much reaffirmed all that happened Sunday and Monday.

Rob and I talk about (or he does) what Paul says…that we should have a sober estimation of ourselves. I know that also means it needs to be realistic. What I feel seems real…it often plays out as real…if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck…

I think so much of the time I repress emotions and what I feel about stuff because if I allow myself to feel what’s there I am going to get angry. That is such a dangerous emotion for me. I have not very often seen healthy anger but have been on the receiving end of it many times. I have seen how it can be destructive and how it lashes out. I know I have the safety of Rob’s office but I still won’t allow myself to let go.

Ministry "Stuff"

I haven’t talked about ministry stuff much lately. I haven’t because there isn’t a whole lot to say. My role has been reduced to sitting there and being with the kids and then doing whatever Debra needs me to do. That is fine because I love “my” Jr. Highers, but I also feel like I am not doing anything. The hardest part is kids and some parents coming to me to ask about events and stuff and me telling them to ask Debra because I don’t know anything. There isn’t a whole lot of communication going on between Debra and we volunteer peons. I also know this is still an adjustment period for her so I have hope things will improve. There are a few parents concerned with the JH/SH meeting together, but that’s not my call either.

So, I have been told: “Hold off on the Jr. girls Bible Study. I'm trying to get mentors together and really desire for non-staff members to interface with the group. I would prefer that you act more as an advisor so that we encourage greater volunterism among the congregation. I also need to draw closer to the Junior Highers and will probably take them under my wings for a time so that I get to know them more spiritually. The youth are spread thin as it is and to add another layer might be stretching them. I hope you understand and not loose your zeal to interface with the Jr. Highers."

The youth groups lead our final “God Night” on Sunday. It went pretty well. It was a little scattered and kids who once had parts no longer had them because they didn’t show up to YG the last Sunday in September when Debra had to redo the whole night. That caused some tension.

In Children’s Ministry I am gearing up for Trunk & Treat and I have almost 10 cars. For us, that is GREAT. I am aiming for 15. We are hosting Group’s VBS Jump Start in March and so that is on back burner and always in the back of my mind. The rest is just “routine.” The kids will be learning about Peter & Cornelius in Biblemaniacs and Jesus as Messiah in Children’s Church.

My First Night Solo...

Saturday night I was "thrown to the wolves" and worked my first event alone. It was the last pre-season Sharks game and there were 12,200 expected. A whole lot more than the 4,000 or so that were there for my training day. I got there early, got my employee ID and picked up my info sheet. I made it down to "the cage" for briefing and then went to my spot.

I spent the first part of the night scanning tickets. I encountered my first rude guest toward the end. If you bring in a stroller, you need to check it in (no room in the aisles) and then you may get it when you leave. I was handing the family off to my supervisor when a rather rude season ticket holder made an issue of me helping the family. I was polite, but what I wanted to say was, "If you had shown up 10 minutes ago you wouldn't be rushing to your seats just before the puck drops!"

They then sent me to my section. I was in the upper bowl (woo hoo...I got to see the game!) and had a good section. There were three guys that I had my eye on because they were downing drinks at a fairly good clip...but they stopped at the beginning of the 3rd period. I did my aisle tours, made sure my section observed hockey etiquette and picked up the Gatorade bottle that was a tripping hazzard.

Toward the middle of the 3rd period there was a great fight! They broke it up and then I did my last aisle tour. I came down and was watching the game and all of a sudden I felt absolutely ill. I really thought I was going to be sick. I went downstiars and Shannon, who was kind of floating, was walking by. I asked her to watch my aisle for a minute so I could just splash some water on my face. Just then our scheduling coordinator came by and I spent the next hour in First Aid. I was just really dehydrated. I had only had one can of Coke all day. Ooops! Lesson learned.

There is a bigger picture than Saturdays incident. I know that there is still some food obsession there...I can struggle with what to eat, when to eat, if to eat, etc. I am not beyond throwing food out to make it appear as if I had eaten a meal...but I don't think I realized until then just how much energy/time is still consumed with all of this. That it still remains a lot deeper engrained than I thought. I think it explains why I am not all "rah-rah" about being two years purge free.

I was thinking about it on my way home from Rob's and can honestly say it's not remotely weight related. That always plays a part...but it still continues to amaze me that this is NOT about weight. It comes down to me needing to figure out a way to stop hating food. Actually, it means I have to stop resenting food for being a life sustaining need.