My birthday stunk as usual. My mom claims that the store made a mistake on my cake (not that I wanted much of it anyway)…but I am guessing (as she has had ½ of it by herself) she didn’t. I also specifically asked for carrot cake and it was all chocolate. I ate a piece because I had no choice and she pretty much has polished it off. “Whatever.”

We got home from my grandparent’s house and my mom went out to drop something off for a friend of hers. I decided to check my email. Amongst all the junk mail was a post from the RR Alumni Yahoo Group I belong to. It was from another member letting us know that Amy K. committed suicide Tuesday. I met Amy when I was at RR the first time. We were in the same Home Group and so we had all out therapy groups together. Although I am older than she by 12 years…she was the one who calmed me down after my body tracing in our Body Image group, told me I could ride a horse and even more. The memories have been flooding back all weekend. She missed a therapy appointment and I am guessing her therapist sent the police. They are the ones who found her.

“We” all know that EDs carry a mortality rate of 20%. I think the stat is death from the ED…not suicide, but I could be wrong. Either way, it is a huge shock. Amy and I hadn’t talked for awhile. She approved me on her MySpace not too long ago and I checked it out last night and I left a comment on the 13^th just to say hi. I checked her Live Journal Friends to see if I could find out anything new and there wasn’t anything. It sounds as of her best friend in NM had no clue it was coming.

I’m not dealing well. I’m holding my own, but by a thread. As long as I am busy or asleep I am OK. I almost lost it during church this morning, I taught this morning and that was a good thing. I think I might have had to leave. My mother’s reaction was “What sent her over the deep end?” Gee…thanks for the compassionate response, Mom. I called Rob yesterday and left a VM. I guess he’ll get it tonight or tomorrow morning. Once he is gone on Fridays I have no clue when he checks messages again. This is the one time in a very long time I wish I was seeing Greg or Marc…at least I could page them if I really needed to. Okay, I never did even when I DID need to…but I think this is one case when I would have for sure. I see him at noon on Mondays so it is only a few more hours…but it’s a few too many.

The 2^nd job is going well. I got my first FOCUS (I can’t remember what that stands for) token for going above and beyond on the job. Not bad for less than a month! I really didn’t think I did anything above and beyond…but if my supervisor says so…I am not going to complain. It was kind of cool to get one. I am working a ton in November and I’m glad. I mean it doesn’t pay a lot, but it allows me to not have to choose between treatment team and paying stuff like my car insurance. Besides, it’s fun for the most part! We got discount tix for Disney on Ice. My family and I went Friday for $20...$5 each. Our seats were $25 seats! It doesn’t happen all the time, but it is a nice perk.

Tuesday is Trunk and Treat at church. I wish I could say I am excited about it. I think I was until last night. Now all I want to do is crawl into a ball and shut everything out. Not practical and it is not going to happen, but I really wish I could.