Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Am Mad As...??????

I don't do mad. I just don't. I also know that is a huge lie. There is no way possible to not get mad from time to time. I veil it in irked, bugged and other "polite terms" and for the most part I don't indulge in a lot of anger...but this weekend I finally, finally, FINALLY admitted to myself and then on Monday to Rob that I am mad at my mom. He asked me for what. I told him I didn't like to use the generalized "everything," but that about covered it. I'm mad about the abuse (of all kinda), I am mad because I have spent most of my life being her parent and I am sure there are other reasons.

This has very much been a huge thing for me and a not so good one. I spent the better part of Monday and yesterday trying to keep from cutting, trying to keep from using objects to hurt myself that I normally stay away from to try and deal with it. Now I know that had I used behaviors that would just add to the guilt, but there are times you really don't care. I think working the game last night helped. I was at the south doors so I was greeting people, helping them and then saying goodbye. We also won. The night just helped me focus on what I needed to do to give out guests a good feeling and, I will say it...I am so wired for this job!

I do struggle with the emotion. I struggle with not knowing how to "do mad." Growing up, anger was always (and I do mean always) violent. I know I don't have to do anything violent...but I think anger and I see out of control. At this point I am too tired to care either way.

Food is still really difficult. I almost flipped out at breakfast yesterday. We had a staff breakfast before our calendar meeting and it was hard to eat. I really haven't lost a lot a weight since the last almost 10 pound drop a few weeks ago. My metabolism is so messed up! Anyway, I guess I was wearing something that made people notice who didn't before. I always deny it. There are times when eating with other people sort of freaks me out. Yesterday was one of those days. I did okay...I "played" with my food for a bit, but I ate. I also managed to gain 1.5 pounds since yesterday. I know that isn't possible because I know what I ate and all the walking/standing I did at work, but it plays with my head.

Saturday I will be 2 years self harm free. While I didn't start self harming until AFTER my first stay at RR, it has been the hardest behavior to stop. I guess restricting is actually the hardest because I think I have only one 4 week period in the last 3+ years years that I have actually had three meals a day. I see it as less destructive because I am keeping the food down. I also know that it is still not good for me.

I think it's the depressive episode I am still in the middle of...but today is one of those days that I think the ED is going to kill me one way or another.


Joann said...

Good, get mad. You could change your phone number, so that your so-called family could not bother you. I am mad too. None of this stuff is your doing. Here is an idea--you could get all better-- that would show all of them. You ARE a very cool, lovely woman, and you should be happy. Why should you let them take you down? You need the food to keep your mind working--to keep happy etc. The only thing your stupid family did that was worth anything was to have you. You are not old--just old enough to find your self. I wish you could have been my daughter.

Da Youth Guy said...

I hope you find a way to let your "mad" out! Sometimes I go into room by myself and just throw a temper tantrum (and I'm almost 50). Nothing gets broken I just yell and scream and stomp my feet and say bad words. And then I end of feeling silly and God and I have a little laugh at my expense and I go back out and deal with the bad people.

Stay strong, two years is a great place to be. Even better is that you only have to deal with one day at a time.