Thursday, October 12, 2006


I’m hiding. I have been convincing myself that I am okay…that I am returning to “normal.” But, I did something tonight that Rob tells me to do a lot…take a deep breath. Out of nowhere I just sat here and took one deep breath and in that breath, I felt/saw what is really going on. The tunnel is a little less dark…maybe a little less a black hole than it has been, but it is there in all its dark glory.

Things are better because I am eating a little more than I have been…but it is not all a food problem. I think I had myself convinced that because my mood improved a little bit that I was okay. I am so NOT okay and the awful thing about that is I still have no idea why. I really have no good reason to be depressed. I have no bad reasons either. But it is there…as certain as I am that I will wake up in the morning it is there.

It’s now morning! The way I see it is it stinks that I have major depressive disorder and yet at the same time I am able to handle the depressive episodes without meds and without jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. Before that freaks anyone out…I would never do that anyway. While I know that I have almost 100% chance of it working…the pain before the dying…no thanks! The fact I can kinda make light of it is also a positive thing.

I am 9 days short of two years of no self harm and 16 days away from my 37th birthday. Neither ones thrills me all that much. My hate relationship with food stems from a lot of things and one of them is the fact food is a life sustaining thing. It’s scary to admit that is a problem for me. It goes against everything I know to be true as a Christian but the reality is that there is a huge part of me that hates the fact I am alive and eating makes it worse. At least I am not quite as disappointed as I have been that I wake up each morning.

My aunt called drunk last night. Toward the end of the conversation she told me to remember that I am always #1 with her and with my uncle. It took so much not to ask her if that was the case, why my uncle insists on having a relationship with the man who molested me. I get it…they have been friends since childhood, but that just makes it worse. I know I need to get beyond that little point…but it hurts a bit.

I feel like I am in limbo some of the time. Last Monday I walked out of Rob’s office feeling pretty good for the first time in a long time. I had shared with him what had happened at God Night. I did the closing prayer and it was no “big deal.” I know they have value…but I really don’t like to write prayers out ahead of time. It’s just not me. So, as I took in the night (with the good stuff and the stuff I don’t agree with theologically) I tried to at least prepare a bit so I wouldn’t get up there and stumble. While I do announcements on Sundays, it was my first time praying in church outside of being with the kids or youth. At the end I had a few people come up to me and compliment me on the prayer. Okay…that was a little weird in itself…but still nice to hear.

There was something else that had happened that week as well and I can’t remember what anymore. Rob made some comment about God sending me a message. Point taken. I left there and for the next 30 hours or so I began thinking that maybe I wasn’t a complete loser. That changed after I got the email from Debra. I still can’t put it in the right words…but I think after that I was really mad at Rob for about 30 seconds. I felt like he had me almost convinced that I wasn’t a loser…that I believed what he was telling me and getting my hopes up that I have been wrong about me and then in an instant it was gone. I say about 30 seconds because I snapped back to reality pretty quickly. Then, when Steve and I had that talk on Wednesday it pretty much reaffirmed all that happened Sunday and Monday.

Rob and I talk about (or he does) what Paul says…that we should have a sober estimation of ourselves. I know that also means it needs to be realistic. What I feel seems real…it often plays out as real…if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck…

I think so much of the time I repress emotions and what I feel about stuff because if I allow myself to feel what’s there I am going to get angry. That is such a dangerous emotion for me. I have not very often seen healthy anger but have been on the receiving end of it many times. I have seen how it can be destructive and how it lashes out. I know I have the safety of Rob’s office but I still won’t allow myself to let go.

No comments: