???????

I’m hiding. I have been convincing myself that I am okay…that I am returning to “normal.” But, I did something tonight that Rob tells me to do a lot…take a deep breath. Out of nowhere I just sat here and took one deep breath and in that breath, I felt/saw what is really going on. The tunnel is a little less dark…maybe a little less a black hole than it has been, but it is there in all its dark glory.

Things are better because I am eating a little more than I have been…but it is not all a food problem. I think I had myself convinced that because my mood improved a little bit that I was okay. I am so NOT okay and the awful thing about that is I still have no idea why. I really have no good reason to be depressed. I have no bad reasons either. But it is there…as certain as I am that I will wake up in the morning it is there.

It’s now morning! The way I see it is it stinks that I have major depressive disorder and yet at the same time I am able to handle the depressive episodes without meds and without jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. Before that freaks anyone out…I would never do that anyway. While I know that I have almost 100% chance of it working…the pain before the dying…no thanks! The fact I can kinda make light of it is also a positive thing.

I am 9 days short of two years of no self harm and 16 days away from my 37^th birthday. Neither ones thrills me all that much. My hate relationship with food stems from a lot of things and one of them is the fact food is a life sustaining thing. It’s scary to admit that is a problem for me. It goes against everything I know to be true as a Christian but the reality is that there is a huge part of me that hates the fact I am alive and eating makes it worse. At least I am not quite as disappointed as I have been that I wake up each morning.

My aunt called drunk last night. Toward the end of the conversation she told me to remember that I am always #1 with her and with my uncle. It took so much not to ask her if that was the case, why my uncle insists on having a relationship with the man who molested me. I get it…they have been friends since childhood, but that just makes it worse. I know I need to get beyond that little point…but it hurts a bit.

I feel like I am in limbo some of the time. Last Monday I walked out of Rob’s office feeling pretty good for the first time in a long time. I had shared with him what had happened at God Night. I did the closing prayer and it was no “big deal.” I know they have value…but I really don’t like to write prayers out ahead of time. It’s just not me. So, as I took in the night (with the good stuff and the stuff I don’t agree with theologically) I tried to at least prepare a bit so I wouldn’t get up there and stumble. While I do announcements on Sundays, it was my first time praying in church outside of being with the kids or youth. At the end I had a few people come up to me and compliment me on the prayer. Okay…that was a little weird in itself…but still nice to hear.

There was something else that had happened that week as well and I can’t remember what anymore. Rob made some comment about God sending me a message. Point taken. I left there and for the next 30 hours or so I began thinking that maybe I wasn’t a complete loser. That changed after I got the email from Debra. I still can’t put it in the right words…but I think after that I was really mad at Rob for about 30 seconds. I felt like he had me almost convinced that I wasn’t a loser…that I believed what he was telling me and getting my hopes up that I have been wrong about me and then in an instant it was gone. I say about 30 seconds because I snapped back to reality pretty quickly. Then, when Steve and I had that talk on Wednesday it pretty much reaffirmed all that happened Sunday and Monday.

Rob and I talk about (or he does) what Paul says…that we should have a sober estimation of ourselves. I know that also means it needs to be realistic. What I feel seems real…it often plays out as real…if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck…

I think so much of the time I repress emotions and what I feel about stuff because if I allow myself to feel what’s there I am going to get angry. That is such a dangerous emotion for me. I have not very often seen healthy anger but have been on the receiving end of it many times. I have seen how it can be destructive and how it lashes out. I know I have the safety of Rob’s office but I still won’t allow myself to let go.