After All This Time...

Monday I realized that after five years in therapy with the same wonderful, awesome and way too good to me therapist I can still uncover stuff that send me into a tailspin....or at least give me a huge headache.

A couple weeks ago he asked me while I still restrict. Okay...I will also there are times he is not the sharpest knife in the drawer...but I digress. After 5+ years he is just NOW asking me that question? He did admit later that maybe he has left the restriction element fly under the radar. Ya think? Of course I am trying to help myself realize it's NOT because I am a beached whale...I mean I AM...but I don't think that's why he has let it go. Anyway...I didn't have an answer for him right then. I know there is always a "secondary" gain to the whole ED and control always plays a little part in it...but still didn't have an answer.

I wrote an article for YMX that will be coming out soon (I hope since the Super Bowl is Sunday and I mention it) that I was sitting up on the catwalk where I work doing a special project. Last week I got to do the same thing (only in a different part of the building) and as I was taking notes two things dawned on me:

• I still see ED as a safety net if I need one
• There is still a part of me that wishes I had just let ED kill me 8 years ago

Now there are huge problems with the 2nd one. Mainly that my treatment team at the time wouldn't have let that happen if they could do anything in their power to stop it and I had a chiropractor that would have tossed me in his BMW and taken me to the ER himself if he had to. So, while I sometimes wish it were true...I don't think it was ever a true reality that it would have even come close to happening.

Anyway...that last little piece of news "alarmed" Rob. That, in turn, "amazed" me. I have NEVER made it a secret when fleeting thoughts of offing myself would pass through my head. If they ever parked there he'd be the first to know because I'd be right back in the midst of the ED. But I am not. I am eating. I am eating when there are days I don't want to. I am eating even when I don't think I deserve to, need to or feel hungry (there are times when my body cues are off). I am eating AND it is all staying down. The urge to get rid of it doesn't happen much anymore...but the thoughts of doing it can be there. Not to mention the fact that I have been on a suicide contract for 4+ years! I admit I may not be 100% forthcoming but the man almost called 911 on me on CHRISTMAS EVE in 2003. That has been the last Christmas Eve he's worked! I really wish he would have worked this last one because it would be nice to "re-do" a Christmas Eve session.

It was a good session. However, the moment I left his embrace and walked outside I was immediately shaky. Here's my dilemma..."people" choose to call the ED "Ed" and treat it as kind of another person...a way of separating themselves from the ED. It gives them someone to argue with and I guess it can be helpful. For me? Not so much. I feel like it takes any personal responsibility away from the person with the ED. "I didn't purge...it was Ed." Last time I checked...ED didn't have fingers. But, for lack of better words...I do refer to it as the ED voice. My dietitian gets it. Rob looks at me funny at times though. I digress...AGAIN!

The little ED voice in my head starts in on me for being that honest with him, for opening up just a little bit more, etc. It honestly made me shaky and dizzy. As much as I have hated the last 36 hours or so...I know that feeling means I did the right thing and started to untangle some of the tangles mess that still is inside.

Today it has left me tired, with a headache and kinda depressed. I am having a bit of a hard time functioning so I am glad there are no events planned at the HP and that I get to see Rob Thursday morning rather than the afternoon because I am babysitting. Rob first thing in the morning has got to be a good thing!

It's a Labor Saving Device!

I love my JHers! I love the fast they STILL love Veggie Tales, I love the fact we went to a movie theater to see the new movie opening weekend and laughed out loud A LOT, I love that they have Veggie Tales music on their ipods and are proud of it and I pray that they don't lose this sense of fun as they get older.

This current crop of JHers hold a special place in my heart because I have been with the majority of them since they were in 2nd grade. I look at pictures back then and cannot believe they were ever that young (and that I am getting that old!) and all I have witnessed in the last 5+ years.

Now that "my girls" are all in Junior High I am loving (I know...I am using the word a lot...but it's true!) watching them become women of God. I will "catch" Gigi doing some of the neatest stuff ans she doesn't know anyone is watching her. I have seen Emma find her niche in the Nursery/Toddler ministry and Natalie start to realize what being a Christian is and how that fact is changing her in some really good ways. There are others...but these are "my three." The three I have been closest to and probably will be into their adult years.

I told Gigi last year that there was going to come a time that she was not going to want me around all the time. She denied it. I told her that it would happen and it wouldn't be permanent and that I was OK with it. It's starting to happen (a bit) and I really am OK with it, but it's sort of sad at the same time. Heck, the girl is wearing clothes that match and she just turned 13 so none of this is total surprise...but I thought I'd have another year!

Part of me want to move up with her in 2010 and she has asked, but by then I will have been her Children's Minister and JH Leader for a long time and she needs to do it without me. Not that she needs me and not that I won't be around...but I want her to experience other leaders (if we ever get any) and be in a group without me.

Until those decisions need to be made, I am going to enjoy that the girls can still be silly and don't mind it one bit!

Drunk Magnet

I think I may have mentioned before that I am a drunk guy magnet at work. NO...not the church you silly people...my other job. Since I have worked so many other places in the building it hasn't happened as much since the Sharks season started. That streak ended last night. I have some weird/mixed feelings about it.

Last night I had a great spot...Club 101. I have wanted to work there and at the same time have feared it because if you don't do a good job not only will the guests in the Club seats let you know, so will the ones in rows 17-19. Then you have those people who try and get by you and into the Club. First intermission was fine...the 2nd intermission I had trouble with one of the door magnets and two people managed to sneak by me. Grrrr... But I digress.

Maybe a quarter of the way through this guy came to watch the intermission stuff going on and we started talking. He's a local middle school teacher and so is his buddy. We start talking about the job, different events that go on, etc. We talk about my "real" job and that I also volunteer with our junior highers. They were really nice and yes, they were both married (darn it!). They hung out until I left for my break. They came back toward the end of the 2nd intermission and hung out until they had to leave. Thankfully they were not driving because I was worried about that. They wanted me to meet them for a drink afterward (how in the heck did they manage to teach today?), but I said no because I had to get up for work the next day.

I think the funniest thing was when one of the guests in my section had to wait until the puck was out of play and was just standing there. The guys were getting drinks when they came back one of them put his arm protectively around me and says, "No hitting on our girl, she's ours." Geesh. That was a little embarassing, but the weird thing is how good that human contact felt. Not that I don't get touched because I do...but this was different. Again...he was drunk and married...but still! That is so wrong! Not that anything would have come of it even if the one guy hadn't been married...but I have to admit...right or wrong that little bit of contact felt good. I am not sure the last time being touched in such a simple way (and believe me...had it been inappropriate touch he would have been OUT the door) felt so good. It was absolutely different than the hugs I get from church (which is good) or Rob (which is VERY good) and makes me really long to truly be someone's girl. But, the older I get the more I am sure that will never happen.

Most of the time I am really OK with that. I have had way more kids than I ever would have on my own (and I get to send them home!) and I value the relationships I have had with the kids over the years. There are now a large group of kids that I have seen grow up from the nursery and elementary programs and I love being part of their lives...even if for most it is only an hour or so a week!

Then there are times, like last night, that I am so not OK with it. Other than being a domestic goddess I am not sure I would be good for anyone anyway...I love my work too much. But, I see some of the couples and church and a few that work together at the HP and I think I want it. No clue where I'd meet anyone anyway...there is no one at church and I don't go out! This feeling will pass and I'll be thankful for what I do have because other than my living situation...things are really good.

Harder Than I Thought...

I admit I am little shocked. I thought it would be easier. I did it once, for the longest time ever...and I can do it again. But, as I sit here absolutely nauseated after taking almost 45 minutes to finish 6 oz. of yogurt it dawning on me this is going to be a little more difficult to get back on the bandwagon than I first anticipated.

The competition or the sick comparisons people with EDs makes is also a bit firmly stuck in my brain a more than I thought. I thought I was at the point where just because person "A" doesn't eat x, w, or z doesn't mean it is bad choice for ME. Not so much. It's still there...rearing it's ugly head in my life. At least I see it for what it is and can watch how I react to it when it happens.

It takes SO much energy to concentrate on "safe food." Don't get me wrong, I am not saying go nuts and not pay any attention to what you are eating and how much, but don't let it consume you. There are times you are going to want ice cream...by all means...go have it. Does that mean inhale a pint of Ben of Jerry's? Nope. But have a 1/2 cup and get on with your life. Coldstone had this dark chocolate peppermint during the holidays and I had a million reasons not to have any. My mom brought me a "love it" and it lasted for 2 or 3 days.

There was a time in my life when I knew the calorie counts of every food I put in my mouth and every food I WANTED to put in my mouth but wouldn't allow myself to touch with a 10 foot pole. I find it amazing that I really don't know those totals much anymore. I have a ballpark idea of almost all of it...and it causes me stress at times...but I try and eat it anyway.

When I am at the HP I often have to justify(to myself) why I am choosing to eat a mini-pizza instead of nothing, if I have time. Most of the time it is a 1/2 mini-pizza, but I tell myself I am standing for 3-4 hours and no fuel will make that difficult. When I AM eating fairly normally I can't make it through a shift without eating something. When my eating is off I do great and honestly get a power trip off of it. "I can work 5 hours on just a bottle of water." "YOU need to eat nachos (that look really good...the chili smells great)." HA! Ugh!

Before my first IP stay I was trying to reformulate recipes. I got this one dish so "healthy" I lost all the flavor that made the recipe yummy to begin with. It ended up freezer burned and in the trash eventually. Now, I can pick up "Cooking Light" or I just know what I can substitute if I really have to and still have the food turn out well. I think that was a huge thing, too. I didn't deserve to have what did eat taste good.

Right now I am somewhat fighting the safe food war. I suppose you could get 100 women and men with eating disorders and there would be 100 different lists, but there would be some cross over. I mean really...how could anyone leave 15 calories a cup iceberg lettuce off their list? I am hoping that it is just an unfortunate thing that this stupid cold and me getting back on track are happening in the same week. Maybe I am having smoothie burnout? Maybe I need to bite the bullet and make what I like and let that be end of it. It's not like I make unhealthy meals...I don't. Oh, I know that some of it isn't the best (okay...that is my pasta phobia talking)...but it's not like we are talking 800 calories a serving with 75 grams of fat!

Once I get over this cold 100% and am used to eating 3meals again to anxiety will again go down at meal times. Right???

Happy Belated New year!

I so need to be better at this in 2008! I used to blog so much more than I do now. I would have blogged over Christmas and the New Year, but I did something to my connection at home (dial up) and didn't have time to fix it.

I was busy with Walking with Dinosaurs from the 26th-31st. It was pretty amazing. I was positioned in a lot of places where I couldn't see the show (base, will call, vom 116), but twice I was placed where I could see the show and saw it from two of the best spots in the building, 107-109 and vom 113 where I was able to see it from the floor. That was amazing. They may not be real...but as the T-Rex was heading my way, it was easy to forget!

Christmas brought a two week break from Rob which I had mixed feelings about. This happens every year, but I still don't like it. Our next to last session for 2007 wasn't a good one and I over reacted (on paper) to some stuff that happened and we couldn't deal with it until yesterday. The problem with that is I can't 100% remember what I was upset about int he first place. I did tell him what I remembered. I was talking about working on out giftedness and I know I was a little "rambly," but I remember he stopped me and said something about me talking about something important. I told him I thought I was and the session kind of went downhill from there. Our last session was better and I was going to try and talk about what had happened, but I couldn't.

Food, while great for almost three months, has kind of crashed and burned. I went back home after house sitting and I absolutely fell flat on my face and it's been hard to get back on track. One thing I realized is I unfortunately crave structure and the last three weeks have had no real structure. Next week begins a somewhat normal schedule/structure for me and I am really hoping that will help me get back on track. I have some really good smoothie recipes (breakfast) and my PB and banana quesedilla. There is always oatmeal! I'm part discouraged I messed up and part ticked that I did it. Rob had told me it made sense to him going from peace and not a whole lot of stress to coming home and back to chaos. I told him that makes it sound like I am making excuses. He said that no...it was a shock to my system. If it continues for a long period of time...then it becomes an excuse. I see Toni soon so I'll get her take on it!

LATER:

She was okay about it and my plans to get back on track. As we talked I told that even with this slump...the time before this was the longest time outside of treatment I ate regularly. That's actually pretty cool and was encouraging.