Tuesday, January 29, 2008

After All This Time...

Monday I realized that after five years in therapy with the same wonderful, awesome and way too good to me therapist I can still uncover stuff that send me into a tailspin....or at least give me a huge headache.

A couple weeks ago he asked me while I still restrict. Okay...I will also there are times he is not the sharpest knife in the drawer...but I digress. After 5+ years he is just NOW asking me that question? He did admit later that maybe he has left the restriction element fly under the radar. Ya think? Of course I am trying to help myself realize it's NOT because I am a beached whale...I mean I AM...but I don't think that's why he has let it go. Anyway...I didn't have an answer for him right then. I know there is always a "secondary" gain to the whole ED and control always plays a little part in it...but still didn't have an answer.

I wrote an article for YMX that will be coming out soon (I hope since the Super Bowl is Sunday and I mention it) that I was sitting up on the catwalk where I work doing a special project. Last week I got to do the same thing (only in a different part of the building) and as I was taking notes two things dawned on me:
  • I still see ED as a safety net if I need one
  • There is still a part of me that wishes I had just let ED kill me 8 years ago
Now there are huge problems with the 2nd one. Mainly that my treatment team at the time wouldn't have let that happen if they could do anything in their power to stop it and I had a chiropractor that would have tossed me in his BMW and taken me to the ER himself if he had to. So, while I sometimes wish it were true...I don't think it was ever a true reality that it would have even come close to happening.

Anyway...that last little piece of news "alarmed" Rob. That, in turn, "amazed" me. I have NEVER made it a secret when fleeting thoughts of offing myself would pass through my head. If they ever parked there he'd be the first to know because I'd be right back in the midst of the ED. But I am not. I am eating. I am eating when there are days I don't want to. I am eating even when I don't think I deserve to, need to or feel hungry (there are times when my body cues are off). I am eating AND it is all staying down. The urge to get rid of it doesn't happen much anymore...but the thoughts of doing it can be there. Not to mention the fact that I have been on a suicide contract for 4+ years! I admit I may not be 100% forthcoming but the man almost called 911 on me on CHRISTMAS EVE in 2003. That has been the last Christmas Eve he's worked! I really wish he would have worked this last one because it would be nice to "re-do" a Christmas Eve session.

It was a good session. However, the moment I left his embrace and walked outside I was immediately shaky. Here's my dilemma..."people" choose to call the ED "Ed" and treat it as kind of another person...a way of separating themselves from the ED. It gives them someone to argue with and I guess it can be helpful. For me? Not so much. I feel like it takes any personal responsibility away from the person with the ED. "I didn't purge...it was Ed." Last time I checked...ED didn't have fingers. But, for lack of better words...I do refer to it as the ED voice. My dietitian gets it. Rob looks at me funny at times though. I digress...AGAIN!

The little ED voice in my head starts in on me for being that honest with him, for opening up just a little bit more, etc. It honestly made me shaky and dizzy. As much as I have hated the last 36 hours or so...I know that feeling means I did the right thing and started to untangle some of the tangles mess that still is inside.

Today it has left me tired, with a headache and kinda depressed. I am having a bit of a hard time functioning so I am glad there are no events planned at the HP and that I get to see Rob Thursday morning rather than the afternoon because I am babysitting. Rob first thing in the morning has got to be a good thing!

1 comment:

Dreaming again said...

that dadblasted safety net