Thursday, January 10, 2008

Harder Than I Thought...

I admit I am little shocked. I thought it would be easier. I did it once, for the longest time ever...and I can do it again. But, as I sit here absolutely nauseated after taking almost 45 minutes to finish 6 oz. of yogurt it dawning on me this is going to be a little more difficult to get back on the bandwagon than I first anticipated.

The competition or the sick comparisons people with EDs makes is also a bit firmly stuck in my brain a more than I thought. I thought I was at the point where just because person "A" doesn't eat x, w, or z doesn't mean it is bad choice for ME. Not so much. It's still there...rearing it's ugly head in my life. At least I see it for what it is and can watch how I react to it when it happens.

It takes SO much energy to concentrate on "safe food." Don't get me wrong, I am not saying go nuts and not pay any attention to what you are eating and how much, but don't let it consume you. There are times you are going to want ice cream...by all means...go have it. Does that mean inhale a pint of Ben of Jerry's? Nope. But have a 1/2 cup and get on with your life. Coldstone had this dark chocolate peppermint during the holidays and I had a million reasons not to have any. My mom brought me a "love it" and it lasted for 2 or 3 days.

There was a time in my life when I knew the calorie counts of every food I put in my mouth and every food I WANTED to put in my mouth but wouldn't allow myself to touch with a 10 foot pole. I find it amazing that I really don't know those totals much anymore. I have a ballpark idea of almost all of it...and it causes me stress at times...but I try and eat it anyway.

When I am at the HP I often have to justify(to myself) why I am choosing to eat a mini-pizza instead of nothing, if I have time. Most of the time it is a 1/2 mini-pizza, but I tell myself I am standing for 3-4 hours and no fuel will make that difficult. When I AM eating fairly normally I can't make it through a shift without eating something. When my eating is off I do great and honestly get a power trip off of it. "I can work 5 hours on just a bottle of water." "YOU need to eat nachos (that look really good...the chili smells great)." HA! Ugh!

Before my first IP stay I was trying to reformulate recipes. I got this one dish so "healthy" I lost all the flavor that made the recipe yummy to begin with. It ended up freezer burned and in the trash eventually. Now, I can pick up "Cooking Light" or I just know what I can substitute if I really have to and still have the food turn out well. I think that was a huge thing, too. I didn't deserve to have what did eat taste good.

Right now I am somewhat fighting the safe food war. I suppose you could get 100 women and men with eating disorders and there would be 100 different lists, but there would be some cross over. I mean really...how could anyone leave 15 calories a cup iceberg lettuce off their list? I am hoping that it is just an unfortunate thing that this stupid cold and me getting back on track are happening in the same week. Maybe I am having smoothie burnout? Maybe I need to bite the bullet and make what I like and let that be end of it. It's not like I make unhealthy meals...I don't. Oh, I know that some of it isn't the best (okay...that is my pasta phobia talking)...but it's not like we are talking 800 calories a serving with 75 grams of fat!

Once I get over this cold 100% and am used to eating 3meals again to anxiety will again go down at meal times. Right???

2 comments:

MB said...

I don't know if "Once I get over this cold 100% and am used to eating 3meals again to anxiety will again go down at meal times. Right???"...

It seems that now that you are experiencing a lot of success at work, and that the more success that has come your way in the past month, the more you are trying to control your food...

Just an observation. You seem excited and happy about the things at work - but also a little, I don't know, afraid maybe... You are doing a great job there and it being recognized. That is OK!

It is OK for things to be going well in your life...things with the HP, things with church...

It would still be OK if you ate three meals a day...

:)
MB

Friar Tuck said...

Speaking off all of this body image stuff, why isnt there a pic of you on here?