The "R" Word Part 2

I found this picture on doing an image search. This is pretty close to what I see in the mirror.











According to my camera...this is what I looked like Easter Sunday.




Ugh. I cannot believe I actually posted a real picture...but it goes along with this post so what the heck. People have seen this picture in other places anyway. The two aren't that far off...so that Toni emailed me last week and basically told me I am relapsing really makes me laugh. I am so far from relapse it's nutty. I eat, I do not throw up (been just over 3.5 years!!), I am a cow to begin with and am only down just under 10% of where I was 8 weeks ago.

Rob and I are having some difficulties in our sessions...but they will work themselves out as always. He admitted he is losing patience...but today went well once we really got into everything and he got that that I don't have feelings attached to some stuff that happened as a kid that has caused me to feel that I am just plain bad and wrong. He kept saying "that's what you believe...what do you feel?" I finally told him that I can picture what happened...but the stuff from when I was 4 until I was a little older I don't know what I felt. He got that. That was a good thing.

The one thing that I know I need work on (besides EVERYTHING) is my belief that there is no way I can work on the emotional stuff without using behaviors. I admit it. I am avoiding having to feel a lot of this stuff as we dig in more and restricting will help get me through it. I have never been able to do both the food stuff and the emotional stuff at the same time outside of IP. Well that can never happen again so I have to learn how.

The "R" Word

No one has used the "r" word yet...but I know it's on their minds. My appointment with Toni was probably the hardest one I have EVER had with her in five years!

I had to commit to one step this week. It will be milk. I realized I quit drinking it. Actually, I have cut most protein and most not whole grain carbs (which I know is a GOOD thing) out of my food choices with the exception of popcorn. In fact, with few exceptions, I am living on popcorn, veggies and a little lean protein if I think about it. Yes, I know this is not smart, good nor helpful...that's why I have Toni. :)

I honestly told her I don't know what to eat anymore. She told me that tells her that I have restricted what I will allow myself to eat so much that at this point I face a battle to not purge when I eat something not on my list. She's right. I haven't purged and haven't really come close...but the few times lately when I am having to eat things I am not comfortable with but need to in order to do what I need to do I have wanted to get rid of it.

I didn't realize how much I have cut out of what was an infinite choice of food in the last several weeks. I guess peanut butter should have been my first clue because I ALWAYS cut it out first. I just didn't think about it. The sad thing is I am EXCITED I haven't put a potato chip in my mouth in months. Not that anyone needs chips...but if you look back to December I was flipping eating lobster rolls and ice cream!

Salad dressing that isn't that isn't fat free will not pass my lips. I have become a fan of diet soda (Sprite Zero is my friend) and I think my mother has no clue what to think. Sometimes she seems to think everything is OK and other times she appears to be making an effort to shop (I do most of it...but she has to at times) for what she thinks I might eat because she knows something not quite right.

Rob and I have been tackling this every session for weeks now. I think Toni and I are finally able to connect every other week (with frequent emails) now that most of my busy schedule is behind me and this is a good thing.

But I really do think it's pathetic the only step I could give her is to try and add milk in the next couple weeks. At least it can be fat free milk! That is NOT and ED thing. I accidentally bought some when I was 10 and my mom said I had to drink it. Totally developed a taste for it and now that is pretty much all I will drink. It seems stupid to be a cow and order a non-fat "whatever at Starbucks...but that's what type of milk I am used to drinking.

Later this week I will try and post something happier because it was a great morning at church. I missed 95% of the service due to the breakfast and egg hunt...but I got to see a bunch of "my kids" get confirmed and/or baptized and that was amazing!

Bumps Along the Way...

No one ever said this was going to be easy. But, as I am a few short weeks from the 5th anniversary of my last IP treatment, one would think it would be a bit easier by now.

I told Rob yesterday that we would still be having this food/weight/exercise/scale/ED obsession conversation contest or no contest...the contest just accelerated it all. I don't see it as a bad thing because it's actually been "great" talking about the ED stuff...or the root of it.

Back in December he said this to me at one point: "When are you going to talk about something important?" That sent me reeling and we were about to go into a break because of the holidays. I was upset, I was mad and I was a little confused. I remember telling him I thought I HAD been. Now, chances are I started to go off on a tangent and I lost him...it happens a lot...but that comment opened my eyes to stuff...I just haven't bee sure what that stuff was. I wrote him a ranting letter about him giving me a reality check, etc., but when he asked me about it in January I couldn't tell him why and we talked through the rest of it. Since then it hasn't really let me go.

The last couple weeks I have been finally able to formulate some of what was going on in my head into some words. I tried to spit them out yesterday and thank God (literally) He gave Rob the wisdom and discernment to figure out exactly what I meant. Okay, almost 5 1/2 years helps as well...but I was having trouble and Rob got it and said back to me exactly what I was trying to say.

I love my job at the HP. God has used it in amazing ways. I love the guests (most of the time), I love the people I work with (with few exception), I love the sups (more and more all the time), Mike & David are great guys and it has given me a huge confidence/competence/a bunch of other stuff boost. The majority of the time I do what I do because I am there to serve the guests, our department, etc. and not for what I might or might not get from it. I have been absolutely blessed that they have seen something in me that has allowed me some additional training opportunities and responsibility and most nights I can walk out of there pretty sure I have served our guests, fellow staff and sups to the best of my abilities though there are nights I walk out of there kicking myself for some dumb mistakes (i.e. telling a guest to go left rather than right). I feel good about that stuff, but I don't do it to feel good about myself. I guess that's not 100% true. I guess that is the result of doing my job fairly well most of the time, but not my sole motivation.

My point? In that moment Rob said what he did...I realized that I really still hate myself. It is such a conflict because I see what God has done/is doing through this job and at church and yet the feeling of being a waste of space and wanting to take up less space is there.

Yesterday Rob talked about taking care of myself (more than just the grooming/every day stuff) because I have a lousy relationship with myself. He's not really wrong I guess. I told him that I know the big picture of what's going to happen if I keep messing up and I told him there is a part of me that doesn't care and part of me hates that part with a passion. What I need to tell him that I didn't before I left yesterday is that I don't matter. At work what the guests need, what others need from me when I am there is paramount. I wouldn't have it any other way. At church...the kids come first and foremost.

Don't ask me how eating below XXXX calories is going to help anyone...but I am somehow convinced it will. I told him as long as I am not purging what's the big deal? I then told him I know what the big deal is and that's where the "I don't care" stuff came in.

We went over the 50 minutes or whatever we usually do this week...over an hour. So we either went 10 minutes over or 20. That time has been a gift.

So, tonight it is back to Sharks and hopefully our 11th win in a row. The excitement is going to be amazing in the bowl tonight and I get to be there. Wow!

JH Retreat!

Here are some pix...more to come!

Ummm...Yeah...

I trust my therapist. After God...I trust him the most. Seriously. I may want to kick him in the teeth every now and then...but I trust him completely.

Today he used words he has never used before...I am not sure if he did it to shock me, to knock me into reality or because he thinks I am not doing so well. He essentially said if I keep this up at the rate I am going...I'm going to end up dead and still hating my body. He has NEVER said that when it comes to ED stuff...not in five years. He said that he never realized (and that I might not have realized) how much I am still obsessed with food and weight...that it's probably still been there...even with the recovery I do have...and that the contest has exacerbated that obsession.

I have a lot of problem with what he said for a lot of reasons. But, I also have reason to stop and listen and process what he said. Next week...after the retreat...

I know my obsession with food has grown exponentially to ED levels. I love Food Network. However, I know it's bad when I watch it with no intention of making anything I see...just think about how I could, how good it would taste and how "strong" I am for not eating boneless, skinless chicken thighs.

I know my preoccupation almost made me take header down the stairs at work last night. I can't blame it on my pants because I got my new, smaller pair yesterday and and so I know longer walk on said pants. I also know that I am wildly distracted.

The thing is...the contest has very little to do with any of this. It came along at a time that some of what's been going on had already been set in motion for reasons that have NOTHING to do with food and weight and everything to do with stuff that caused the ED in the first place. I made that clear today and he knew it...but I think he wanted me to say the words.

Like I told him...I could be 95 pounds and would still not like my body...so it isn't a food/weight issue...it's a whole lot of other stuff.

If anything, this contest is helping me to stick with the core reasons for the ED and to really chip away at stuff. Not that I have been spinning my wheels for the last few years in treatment...but a lot of time has been spent on ending behaviors, a lot of time has been me to afraid to risk and some time has been spent talking sports and movies!

Just Breathe...

I need to remind myself of this often. I am really busy at the HP, at church and with this contest.

Met with my dietitian on Friday and while she didn't tell me I should quit...she is trying to pull me away from the more self destructive patterns that I have started to engage in since starting this thing. I had to give her three things I am willing to do.

I had actually weaned myself OFF the darn scale the last few months...again! And it was sticking for the most part. Since the contest kicked off I have been on the scale from 1-3 times a day every day. I think we are still in negotiations about how often. I need to re-read her email. She wants me off of it 100%...but that can't be a real attempt until after the contest.

The other thing is the gym. I want 4-6 days a week...she wants three. But we are going to leave this one for our next meeting. With my schedule lately the three is as good as it gets...but that will change. We also disagree on intensity.

The last thing is getting my calories up. I realize with an already screwed up metabolism that major restriction (or burning all I eat through exercise) is not helpful. In my head I know that...but the rest of me can't stand the thought of exercising and then "contaminating" my body by eating more. Again...something we will discuss when I see her next. It's not going to be fun!

The big glaring question, to me, is do I want to relapse? The honest answer is I don't know. There is s till that huge self destructive side of me that says I don't deserve recovery, I don't deserve what is happening at the HP, etc. Part of me thinks I can do this smarter this time around. The fact is I DO need to lose weight. The fact also remains I have a few things working against me and that I should be more understanding with myself...but I really don't know how.

I ended up eating way more (i.e. closer to what I am supposed to be eating) over the weekend and I noticed how clear my thinking became. That should tell me I need to stop. But the darned ED voice has been pretty quiet and that I love.