Monday, March 31, 2008

The "R" Word Part 2

I found this picture on doing an image search. This is pretty close to what I see in the mirror.











According to my camera...this is what I looked like Easter Sunday.




Ugh. I cannot believe I actually posted a real picture...but it goes along with this post so what the heck. People have seen this picture in other places anyway. The two aren't that far off...so that Toni emailed me last week and basically told me I am relapsing really makes me laugh. I am so far from relapse it's nutty. I eat, I do not throw up (been just over 3.5 years!!), I am a cow to begin with and am only down just under 10% of where I was 8 weeks ago.

Rob and I are having some difficulties in our sessions...but they will work themselves out as always. He admitted he is losing patience...but today went well once we really got into everything and he got that that I don't have feelings attached to some stuff that happened as a kid that has caused me to feel that I am just plain bad and wrong. He kept saying "that's what you believe...what do you feel?" I finally told him that I can picture what happened...but the stuff from when I was 4 until I was a little older I don't know what I felt. He got that. That was a good thing.

The one thing that I know I need work on (besides EVERYTHING) is my belief that there is no way I can work on the emotional stuff without using behaviors. I admit it. I am avoiding having to feel a lot of this stuff as we dig in more and restricting will help get me through it. I have never been able to do both the food stuff and the emotional stuff at the same time outside of IP. Well that can never happen again so I have to learn how.

4 comments:

DaYouthGuy said...

Just so you hear from some where else.

1: 10% drop in body weight in 8 weeks is very good. You're ahead of me (by a fair margin)

2:While you don't look the way you want in that photo you look lovely. That is one man's considered opinion.

3: I find your journey inspiring. That's no rah-rah feel good nonsense. I would have curled up and quit a long time ago. You have amazing strength. Work with your support people and keep fighting.

4: I know this won't "change your mind" but I don't see any relation between the photos above and the one below. Just sayin'

Have a great week.
Peace
Jay

Amy said...

Deneice,

You are beautiful and look nothing like the girl in the picture. Ironically, I also feel that I look absolutely identical to the girl in the picture all the time (except my underwear fits better). I was absolutely shocked the last time I gave myself a full body looksy in the mirror and discovered I looked way better than I thought...still...not good enough. I appreciate your openness about this issue. I haven't been DX with BDD, but I understand what it's like to feel ugly all the time. And in that rare instace, feeling just a little pretty.

Friar Tuck said...

It is good to finally see a picture of you

Anonymous said...

Deneice - I think you look so sweet in your Easter picture and, noting like the other image you posted. God Bless you for putting one foot in front of the other every day. Keep on keeping on - Becky aka orange41