Thursday, March 06, 2008


I trust my therapist. After God...I trust him the most. Seriously. I may want to kick him in the teeth every now and then...but I trust him completely.

Today he used words he has never used before...I am not sure if he did it to shock me, to knock me into reality or because he thinks I am not doing so well. He essentially said if I keep this up at the rate I am going...I'm going to end up dead and still hating my body. He has NEVER said that when it comes to ED stuff...not in five years. He said that he never realized (and that I might not have realized) how much I am still obsessed with food and weight...that it's probably still been there...even with the recovery I do have...and that the contest has exacerbated that obsession.

I have a lot of problem with what he said for a lot of reasons. But, I also have reason to stop and listen and process what he said. Next week...after the retreat...

I know my obsession with food has grown exponentially to ED levels. I love Food Network. However, I know it's bad when I watch it with no intention of making anything I see...just think about how I could, how good it would taste and how "strong" I am for not eating boneless, skinless chicken thighs.

I know my preoccupation almost made me take header down the stairs at work last night. I can't blame it on my pants because I got my new, smaller pair yesterday and and so I know longer walk on said pants. I also know that I am wildly distracted.

The thing is...the contest has very little to do with any of this. It came along at a time that some of what's been going on had already been set in motion for reasons that have NOTHING to do with food and weight and everything to do with stuff that caused the ED in the first place. I made that clear today and he knew it...but I think he wanted me to say the words.

Like I told him...I could be 95 pounds and would still not like my it isn't a food/weight's a whole lot of other stuff.

If anything, this contest is helping me to stick with the core reasons for the ED and to really chip away at stuff. Not that I have been spinning my wheels for the last few years in treatment...but a lot of time has been spent on ending behaviors, a lot of time has been me to afraid to risk and some time has been spent talking sports and movies!

1 comment:

Dreaming again said...

It's very hard to hear that isn't it. Very hard.

I had to hear it from Leslie, Dr.G and my PCP all in the space of about 3 monhts ...then when the blood tests started flowing in, they started to put numbers to those words ... you'll be dead by ....

whoa ... um ..uh ...

that was about the time you and I had the discussion where I started to realize I might not care as much about living as I thought I did.

it's hard ... a slow ticket to death isn't really what we're wanting ...even if it's what we think we want .. it's life in Christ so we can serve him and show others the way that we truely want ...if it wasn't ...we wouldn't be working so hard for His kingdom!