Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Just Breathe...

I need to remind myself of this often. I am really busy at the HP, at church and with this contest.

Met with my dietitian on Friday and while she didn't tell me I should quit...she is trying to pull me away from the more self destructive patterns that I have started to engage in since starting this thing. I had to give her three things I am willing to do.

I had actually weaned myself OFF the darn scale the last few months...again! And it was sticking for the most part. Since the contest kicked off I have been on the scale from 1-3 times a day every day. I think we are still in negotiations about how often. I need to re-read her email. She wants me off of it 100%...but that can't be a real attempt until after the contest.

The other thing is the gym. I want 4-6 days a week...she wants three. But we are going to leave this one for our next meeting. With my schedule lately the three is as good as it gets...but that will change. We also disagree on intensity.

The last thing is getting my calories up. I realize with an already screwed up metabolism that major restriction (or burning all I eat through exercise) is not helpful. In my head I know that...but the rest of me can't stand the thought of exercising and then "contaminating" my body by eating more. Again...something we will discuss when I see her next. It's not going to be fun!

The big glaring question, to me, is do I want to relapse? The honest answer is I don't know. There is s till that huge self destructive side of me that says I don't deserve recovery, I don't deserve what is happening at the HP, etc. Part of me thinks I can do this smarter this time around. The fact is I DO need to lose weight. The fact also remains I have a few things working against me and that I should be more understanding with myself...but I really don't know how.

I ended up eating way more (i.e. closer to what I am supposed to be eating) over the weekend and I noticed how clear my thinking became. That should tell me I need to stop. But the darned ED voice has been pretty quiet and that I love.

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