Sunday, March 28, 2004

Slow and Steady Wins the Race...

...bah! ;)

Seriously though, this week I "celebrated" two hard won anniversary dates. The first was on Monday when I was able to say to Rob..."by the way, today it has been three months since the last time I purged. Plus, it has been almost three years since I was able to go that long...I think once I started again back in 2001...I would go days...not weeks and NOT months.

The second one was Wednesday. Wednesday marked one month since the last time I cut. Yeah that's great and all...but I went into treatment last spring with 5 or 6 weeks under my I don't get too excited about it.

I don't let myself get too excited about any of it...not yet. The good thing is, the only time I really want to purge anymore is when I feel like I have eaten too much...most of the other reasons don't exist too much anymore.

The cutting is the hard part...that one is the one that "calls" to me often. To punish myself for a myriad of reasons, to let go of stress, to feel something...anything that this "comfortable" numbness that I live in.

Rob will ask how my psyche is. I dunno...he is really starting to get that and that me saying "I dunno" is not quite the cop out he thinks. As I visited Hell last week with my grandmother (read: she got rip-roaring drunk and I got the brunt of it all...and now she doesn't remember any of it) I called him and was all full of emotion on his VM. Monday and Thursday we talked about it, but we might as well have been discussing the weather! I told him that I can't dwell on what I felt. I felt it, but had to get up the next morning and function and be "on" and go to a day long workshop. So, I can talk about it being awful...but the feelings of it being awful (scary, hurtful, etc.) are not there.

And, being off the anti-d's have been the BEST thing. I really feel a bit more alive than I have in a long time. I think the Lexapro was what I needed when they switched my meds last May...but it quit working at some point and the serzone before that did no good I don't think. But, I am paying attention to any subtle changes and Rob is too and if need be...I will try something else. Maybe Prozac will work this time!

Next weekend I am going to see Jars of Clay!!! They are coming to San Francisco and I am going to go up after church on Sunday and stay at this cute 80 room "Botique" hotel. Priceline came through again. I am paying about 75% less than the hotels quoted price. Jars is my fave group AND they are playing right in Union Square which has the 3 story Old Navy and HUGE Disney Store. I need to restrain myself, but I have $85 coming back in Children's Ministry reimbursement $$. I am only doing this because I still have my Christmas money from my grandfather...that and I will have $$ coming back from the federal went to Rob for the most part!

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