Monday, March 08, 2004

I Confess...


Loaded topic. Here we go!

I confess...

I have gone off my anti-d's because I hate them. I hate having to take them, I hate that they may not even be working anymore, I hate that my brain misfires.

I am slowly heading toward Nofoodsville. I am tired of the effort it takes to remember to eat, that it is not automatic and that with other health lack o' eating doesn't make a difference one way or another anyway. I hate my body.

The feelings that were going on that almost got me hospitalized at Christmas have not gone away. Each time I go away someplace I debate if that is the place it will be done.

I have been dreaming about cutting, that I can see that I "trance out" at times when the feeling strikes and that there are times I really don't care if I give in.

At this moment I am sooooo hungry (and smelling the neighbors steaks on the BBQ didn't help)...but I miss the control/high of not eating and so I choose not to eat.

I know that things can be different...that things HAVE been different, but I don't remember how I got there nor how to get back.

I want it...but I don't. I am almost 34 1/2 years old and have nothing to show for it. That is pathetic.

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