Friday, March 05, 2004

So Yesterday

I shouldn't be surprised, but she acted like nothing happened.

Of course, my shopping trip to try and make her happy was a waste because I "bought the wrong chicken." Ummm...hone roated would have tasted icky in a Mexican chicken I went with the Southwest. Nothing is ever, ever, ever good enough.

I have gone just over a week without cutting...some slips while in Chicago (I think I ruined a t-shirt), but have been bearing down and not giving in no matter how much I want to. I don't want to disappoint Rob. I haven't purged in 10 weeks and that battle is actually getting a little easier...but it is such a trade off with cutting. I know it doesn't need nor have to be an either or...but no one gets the drive to have some means of punishing myself.

Rob is finally getting that me saying I am lazy, selfish, mean, rude, a phony, stupid, idiotic, etc. isn't a simple we all can be one or all of those things. I mean, even in my stupidness I do silly/stupid things (i.e. leave the back door unlocked) that I can brush off as people do these things...but it goes to the core of who I am.

I know there are other perspectives, I know that it doesn't have to be that way...but stuoid little "catch it, challenge it, change it" quoted are not helpful! Rob doesn't say that...he wants me to get the new perspective thing, but he is quickly realizing that little "therapist lingo" stuff does not help at all because it misses the point.

I kind of feel bad knowing that while he is at the "Tragic Kingdom" and "California Misadventure" that he is surrounded by my presence and can't get away from me even there. He knows how much I love those places and how much of it is so imprinted on my heart and mind that trivia will got hrough his head. Like, he will be exiting "Pirates of the Caribbean" and look up and know that that is where Club 33 is located because I told him and he didn't know it was there.

I wish I were there...not with him and his family...but with my friend Anna. I miss it. I miss just going in and out of the shops on Main St., getting a vanilla frozen yogurt, going on the Haunted Mansion as Anna and I drive them all nuts by repeating the spiel. Driving the skipper of the Jungle Cruise nuts because we beat him/her to their punchlines, the awesome pasta dish we share in Tomorrowland, getting matching hates, etc.

It gave me an outlet, it gave me a chance to relax a bit...I used to love to take my Bible to the Hungry Bear restaurant and go in the very back. No one, even in the summer, really sat all the way back there and I could watch the trains and boats go by.

I miss CA and riding Soaring Over CA with my shoes off...

There are times I'd go back to the "Hour of Power" to get that all be able to live on my own again.

I am just feeling that urgency to escape and be at peace no matter what the cost...because what I am living now is not living.

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