Friday, September 03, 2004

Yesterday, against my better judgement, I spent the better part of my whole session in tears. I blame it on the fact I had maybe two hours of sleep the night before and no sleep always makes me a little vulnerable. Rob, for his part, was "thrilled" to say the least. Actually his words were "I am so proud of you."

I thought the interesting thing was the reason the tears started and what came out of that (the true reason) floored me. I had to fill out a BCA because of the SI and purging. I was having a very hard time with it and when I manged to get the narrative part done it was basically I miss the uncondiational love I had for a whole week while I was"home" and wanted to numb the sdness I have been feeling since coming back to San Jose. Turned out that really wasn't it.

Let me say I do not blame my mother for anything...the verbal and physical abuse...the continued verbal abuse from time to time, etc....but it all came down to it being "all about her." One good thing that came out of that is when I usually manage to really talk about mom stuff...I leave feeling like I totally betrayed her and more insanity ensues. This time I did not.

Yesterday we talked about how eventually I need to be back in "The OC," but no time soon. Rob also assured me that my mother is the psycho (his words...he knows her, has met her and has had a session with he knows) not me and that someone needs to put her in her place. Okay...whatever. I come home and relax a bit because I am so tired from the no sleep. She comes home and everything Rob said went out the window.

I got yelled at for the gate being open. was closed. My grandpa must have opened it and forgot about the dog. So, I get called stupid and irresponsible and all those lovely things that I figure must be true.

Two hysterical calls later...Rob calls me before he leaves for the night. I had told him that there has got to be something defective about ME for her to do this. Something that allows me to fool all y'all and everyone else in my life...but that she sees and reacts to. He made me sit there and listen to him over and over say that it isn't true.

"The morning after" and I am still pretty emotional. I think would be in a really bad spot if he was taking Monday off. He will be there as usual. This really surprised me because Labor Day is usually the only 3 day holiday he takes off...but I am grateful!

I guess I just need prayers for strength to get through the next few days. My focus at work is hot and we have our Kick Off Sunday...I need to be up...WAY up! I also think the low level depressive episode I have been experiencing since June has just blown up a bit...most likely heightened by not enough food and sleep.

Thanks guys! I just feel like I am at my wits' end today!

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