Lies, Lies and More Lies!

I am really trying to figure out truth from lies. Not that I think Rob would lie to me. Not sure he gets what my reality really and truly is like. I think he knows...but then it appears as if he doesn't.

I really feel like I am living two separate lives. There is my internal world...the one full of the "bad stuff" I think about me, what has been said about me, etc. Certain people see it...but for the most part even they don't see how deep it goes. Rob describes me as a deep well all the time and in some respects he is correct. This is the part that doesn't believe, whether in anger or drunkenness, that what has been said about her could possibly be lies. Why would adults say that sort of stuff to a kid if it wasn't true?

Then there is the part that most people see. The part who appears to have it fairly together...can laugh, joke and have fun. Can be Ms. Supportive and Helpful because that is who God has wired her to be. The part that feels productive and tries to work hard and make others happy.

There are times I feel like that part is going to swallowed whole by the other part. My ruse will be discovered. The truth of what a dirty, rotten, disgusting, unloveable thing I am will finally come out to all. I can't cut it out, I can't purge or starve it out...it is going to take over unless I can stop it.