Friday, September 17, 2004

Back to 12...

I would have to say I have felt very fortunate that my flashbacks are few and far between. In fact, it has been almost a year since I have had one. Then came yesterday.

Yesterday I was expecting to go in and talk about what Rob and I had started about my family and the alcoholism and all that "good stuff." But that didn't happen. We ended up talking food and my dislike for it and the whys which then took us to how much I hate my body. He was trying to help me break out of the "hate cycle" I have with it. Usually...he gets it. This time...he is a little off. Anyway, as much as I trust him...body image is a very hard thing to talk about with him . I usually leave that for Toni.

So, there I am feeling really icky and tearing up (jerk!) and boom! back in the garage, I was 12 and for the first time in a very, very long time I felt it all come rushing lasted for hours which was unamusing. The last time we talked about it I remember I probably was feeling emotions about it more than the physical aspects of it...not this time. This time is was every grope on my breasts, his tongue...well...anyway...I am "happy"it happened in Rob's office. I wasn't alone and he was able to help catch my breath and 1/2 compose myself before walking out the door.

To me, it is NO big revelation that it was at that moment that the hatred of my body was "set in stone." I can even see the issues surrounding it. I think what I need to try and make Rob and Toni and everyone understand that it is just not the physical for me. I mean, with the PCOS I know it is an uphill battle weight-wise without ED. I do know that and somedays can even really and truly accept it. The main goal for me is to be healthy. I also know that with almost 15 years of ED my metabolism is in the cellar and restriting doesn't help. I also know that what I do see in the mirror is still not accurate. I still see myself a lot bigger than I am. I pulled out my body image yarn from Remuda to make sure! I can still sit in my "stomach."

The hatred goes way beyond what I see in the mirror. Maybe even I didn't get that until yesterday.

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