A Rant and Rave...

I am so frutrated it's not even slightly amusing! I am stuck and stuck about being stuck and frustrated because I SHOULD NOT BE STUCK!!!!!!!!! I should BEYOND being stuck about this one issue. I still have trouble processing and fully feeling "negative" emotions...that makes sense and am okay with that struggle right now because we'll get to that. I still struggle with being a perfectionist. I can deal with that because I notice it more and if I don't, Rob is GREAT about pointing it out. Food Issues? Email me if you want to see my 30 rules I live with on a daily basis, but Toni and I are tackling them head on now.

Then I open my Bible and read:

Psalm 139:14a: "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;"

Philippians 1:6: "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

And a zillion other verses about how much God loves us, how special we are, etc., etc., etc. BUT...it has NOT sunk in...

I still struggle so much with hating myself and hating that and stuck on how NOT to anymore. It is so frustrating because I am so stuck about being stuck and don't know how to take all that I know about how God feels about me and have that make a difference. It's like this missing piece that I can't find anyplace. Given all I know...how can I still hate myself???

Letting Go...Clinging Still

When I left for LIFE back in 2003 I gave ALL my ED books and movies on tape to Rob. The other night I found my old copy of "The Best Little Girl in the World." I read through as much as I could before handing it over to Rob. Was kind of amazed how it has triggered me. I don't trigger easily mainly because being triggered by and large is a choice AND I strongly believe in personal responsibility.

I sent this rant to Rob last night:

I am having very mixed reactions about handing over the book today. One the one hand…out of the house means I won’t read it. I was about ½ way through before today’s session anyway…but I should know better than to be reading it because it’s not the most helpful book in the world!

I keep thinking as the months of not cutting or purging it would get easier. And, for the most part, it was getting easier for months. The last few weeks feel like a constant battle with me to not give in because I want to. I spent a couple hours last night white knuckling it because I really wanted to cut. Part of the frustration was not being able to figure out exactly why, part of it was trying to figure out what the big deal would be if I did cut and part of me was really not caring of I threw almost 7 months out the window.

The book didn’t help. Changed my focus to food and not eating it (I had three meals yesterday and I know that played into the me wanting to cut) and how much I miss that as well…but then I got frustrated with myself about that and wanted to cut to deal with it. I made it as far as getting to blades out from where I had them…they haven’t been out since I left for So Cal. The one thing about the book that I can read and say I NEVER do that anymore is cutting food up into tiny pieces…there are days I eat one food group at a time and cut food into an equal number of pieces…but I can’t remember the last time I did the small pieces.

I know I don’t talk about being triggered that much because it doesn’t happen that often. I mean there are things that bother me and trigger a thought of cutting or throwing up or whatever…but there isn’t a ton that sets me off thinking about everything and how much I miss it and truly makes me sit there and plan how I can get away with it. Last night was the first time that I read something that set me off down that road.

A friend of mine started an alumni bulletin board from Remuda Alumni only. It is a protected board and has been a good way to reconnect/stay connected with some. There are a few on there from when I was there in 2000 and one from two years ago. Anyway, I was skimming the boards last night and read one that I should have stopped reading. Everyone on there is in different places, but we are cautious about talking about behaviors…especially the more dangerous ones because not a lot we can do online. Anyway, one of the girls drank some ipecac yesterday. The “odd” thing about it was she was concerned that she didn’t throw up all she had eaten…forget the fact she just drank poison! I do get where she was coming from…there have been TONS of times I was worried about all that and if I didn’t throw up stomach acid then I didn’t purge good enough…but it was hard to read that she didn’t care about the ipecac.

Never took it myself…but I must have had a bottle on me at all times for almost a year…this was like 6 years ago though. Someone told me if I took a whiff when I wanted to use it that might be a deterrent and it really was true…it kept me from taking it. By the time I was ready to take it because I didn’t care if it killed me…I had already handed it over to Dr. D and pinky swore I wouldn’t buy another bottle. It was amazing what he could get me to do (except eat) on a pinky swear!

I think it is stupid that I miss it. I think it is stupid that I have been having those nice little fantasies of not having to eat if I get my own place…but they are there. Then there are days like today when I am so mad at myself that chucking it all is tempting because at least it stops all the stuff going on in my head. I could go on…but I’ll shut up now.

Five Years...

It is another May 17th and I always have mixed feelings on the day. The first THREE years were very difficult ones. I was unwilling to let go of certain things, I missed the "idea," more than the person I think and I also think I was unwilling for a very long time to admit I was angry...more than angry...I was very mad! Grrrr... But, if five years ago hadn't happened, I think I'd be dead!

Five years ago I had to say goodbye to the first therapist I had ever clicked with...the therapist I had gone to under duress and had planned to lie to the minute we startde that first session in October 1999. But, there was something about him...something that told me I could trust this man and that I could be honest with him.

Three months into our sessions and soon after we moved to 2x a week session he told me he would be leaving May 2000. Marc was a doctoral intern and he was going someplace else to complete his internship. Later he told me it was Hawaii and much later I found out it was Tripler Army Medical Center and that he would be committed to the Army for four years after the internship was over. Over the last few years I also learned he went from Hawaii to Alaska to Tikrit.

One of his goal's from the start was to "reparent" me and that came with some boundary issues I didn't see then and I think even if I had I would not have cared! Here was someone who was accessible, who I could finally trust, yada, yada, yada...but in retrospect...how many therapists would call you at 11 PM out of the blue...even if they knew you were nervous about an appointment the next day? Or when they are out of town...call and check up on you? OK...I LOVED it...but I can look back now and see that while nothing was out and out unethical...we had boundary issues. I used to say that he would have loved me to death and for the people who were closest to me at the time...they agreed...after I came home from Remuda that first time and ciould actually talk about this stuff!

What I came to miss were answers to questions that I felt I HAD to have the answers to. Things he told me he was going to tell me and then never did our last session. I wanted those answers and in the last year am settled that I will never know the answers and by the time I get to heaven...I won't CARE anymore.

May 17th also became the say that started the bal rolling for me to go to Remuda the first time. Although I voluntarily agreed to be hospitalized AFTER my session with Marc...I really didn't weant to go because I HATE, HATE, HATE College Hospital! The program stinks and had clothes stolen! The program was so muc wrose than it had been 8 years before. They treated us all like we were non-functional and it was the longest 5 or 6 days of my life! Odd thing is...the Psychiatrist who had been there 8 years before was still there AND remembered me. As I struggled to try and get 800 calories in my body I came to the realization that if I didn't do something...I was dead. So, I came home when I was released and called Remuda.

Yesterday in my session with Rob I never even brought the date up. We had touched on it a couple weeks ago because I think I get myself way too keyed up for no good reason because while the day IS bittersweet...I'm good.

Tonight I have my second interview. This could again be a start to a whole new chapter of my life.

Fear Setting In...

We talked about the job stuff today and not anything else...but I didn't really talk about what was really going through my head...the irrational fears that are there.

He didn't ask me if I had cut or purge...as he usually does. So, I got home and called him to let him know I hadn't. He emailed me back and said, in part:

"I'm very proud of you by the way." I feel silly because that means SO much to hear him tell me that because there is no one else who EVER tells me that...and I know at least once a month I get to hear that from him. Not that I am not doing behaviors to hear it...but I have to admit...it helps.

I did email him this:

Back in August, when Ron and I were having lunch, he asked me a GREAT question. He asked me if I knew what it was that causes me to slip back into the ED when it comes to me and FT Youth Ministry. To take a word from you…I have “pondered” it off and on over the last several months and have yet to figure it out.

I think part of me thrives when I get caught up with the ED and start to eat, sleep and breathe the job. Reminds me of the scene in “Miss Congeniality” when Gracie Hart talks about how she IS the job. It is very much like that for me. I did admit that much in the first interview…that I do tend to eat, sleep and breathe the job. Between the starvation, diet pills, coffee, purging and manic pace of the job…I feel like I can do just about anything. Well, until the inevitable crash and burn that is…

The scary thing is part of the reason I want to be in that duplex is so I can STOP eating. I am so sick of my mom on my back all the time because in her opinion I am not eating enough that I want to be on my own so I can quit having to eat to shut her up. I admit it…I am DAYDREAMING over the fact that I will have no one bugging me about food.

There is also that part of me that isn’t sure I can even do the job without the ED. Ron said something else to me…that he thinks that when a church hires me I “need” to prove to them it wasn’t an accident and that they did not make a mistake. To that end, I do put in hour after hour and don’t think about the fact there is life outside the office and church grounds.

Then I keep thinking at least I didn’t do what I did in So Cal. I am staying local; I am not running off ½ way across the country, etc. I mean, Greg was all for me looking and he knew about Indiana…just not sure he expected me to walk in his office and tell him I was starting in September so the last Thursday in August would be our last session. He knew better than anyone I needed to get OUT of the Crystal Cathedral…but I think he may have figured we’d talk about it before I said yes about the job!

At least all this takes my mind of the 17th…though that IS the date of the interview. This has been good for me…no chance to dwell on the date and all that “stuff.” Actually, I don’t think I am as freaked about all that as I was when I emailed you about it whenever that was…a couple weeks ago I guess.

I think I want someone to tell me that I am ready for this and that this is OK to be doing. Even my mom has her doubts about me being able to handle it without a major relapse.

The doors flew open for Indiana and look what a disaster that turned out to be. What if I’m deluding myself? What if I am totally incapable of doing this job?

Update...

I went into the interview being told this was just the beginning of their search. I knew that and figure this could be a 2-3 month process if they like me. I left there being told I would be asked to come back next week. I got the call yesterday and I will be going back next Tuesday at 7:30 PM for a 2nd interview.

What I liked about this interview is that is was and was not an interview. We talked about a lot of things and I think as I spoke I answered questions they had on their minds. It was thrown together so quickly that they admitted they weren't as prepared and one of them forgot my resume!

Next week will be with the Christian Ed. Commission and the Sunday School Superintendent who is a wonderful volunteer. She puts in like 30 hours a week!

They also broached the subject of me being Director for both Children and Youth. I said yes I would be open and that is mainly because of the SSS...what she does would take a HUGE load off me...or whoever gets the job.

One perk is the church owns a duplex and there is a good chance of renting part of it. I would never take the job because of it...but what a nice surprise that was!

I just want what God wants for me and to serve Him the best I can!

Tomorrow Night...

...I have a meeting at WVPC for a possible Youth Director position. I kinda fell into it and am excited and Rob approves so we'll see what happens!

So...

I did something I have never done in my 35.5 years of life...well...I guess the 14.5 years I have been legal to buy alcohol. I bought my first six pack of beer. Fosters to be exact. It was absolutely spur of the moment, for all the wrong reasons, the four I have left will probably still be in the fridge next year decision.

I don't know where my head is. Things at home are not just bad...bad I can deal with and am used to...but now it is SCARY. I don't know if my moms meds are still not right, she is not taking them correctly, etc., but her behavior is beyond abusive. Rob had to remind me yesterday that some of the stuff she has been saying is abusive language...knowledge that I blocked out so I wouldn;t have to feel...he blew THAT one out of the water.

She is so unfocused it isn't funny. Her Psychitarist ticks me off to no end because he keeps giving her time off work and sends her on her way. I avoid home as much as possible and try to just deal with what is going on around me.

Yesterday's session was a long one...in more ways than one. It was just long because of all the stuff that needed to be said and long because he kept me over and hour...I really love those days there is no one after me and he can give me the extra time if I need it. Most of the time I don't...but when I do it's good that we don't have to rush.

We talked about how if he have to have the same discusion about him NOT leaving next year that is fine. That it is totally understandable that this time of year would bring that all up EVEN though I know he isn't going anywhere...barring a natural disaster or his death. That I have been left so many times by so many people that when it comes to this one (Marc) it does make sense. Then I told him how I feel dumb about it and he tried to make me feel better by piinting out we all feel dumb and it backfired. He took it too far and it started to sound like he was making fun of me. Rob picked up on it fairly quickly and asked me.

Anyway, toward the end we were talking about my mom again and I think all the "painful" feelings that have been building up overwhelmed me. I could feel it and there must have been a physical change because Rob asked me, "What just happened?" I told him I wanted to cut really, really bad and "right now!"

Funny how breathing can healp with that stuff. He told me to sit back and take deep breaths. I did. Then I think how when I am in the moment I never stop to DO that and it ALWAYS works. I still can't identify the emotions...but I know they HURT. The breathing helped and I was able to wlak out of there shaky but OK.

Had to stop at the store and buy ingredients for dinner. Ick. Then I just decided to pick up the six pack.

Note to self: Do not drink a beer after only drinking Gatorade. I was feeling it. But, for the first time since I was in college, I chose to drink that beer for all the wrong reasons. The good thing is I see that and if anything reinforces that I HAVE GOT TO get past whatever fears I am having about truly feeling the whole canvas of emotions and try and risk. That is part of what Rob's office is for...to risk that stuff.

What I came back to AFTER we were done. No note, no info left, etc. I am soooo ticked! But, all in all it was a GREAT Saturday! 

Kid's Day Out@Artopia! We had a lot of fun...ttwo girls brought friends and that was awesome!