Friday, May 20, 2005

Letting Go...Clinging Still

When I left for LIFE back in 2003 I gave ALL my ED books and movies on tape to Rob. The other night I found my old copy of "The Best Little Girl in the World." I read through as much as I could before handing it over to Rob. Was kind of amazed how it has triggered me. I don't trigger easily mainly because being triggered by and large is a choice AND I strongly believe in personal responsibility.

I sent this rant to Rob last night:

I am having very mixed reactions about handing over the book today. One the one hand…out of the house means I won’t read it. I was about ½ way through before today’s session anyway…but I should know better than to be reading it because it’s not the most helpful book in the world!

I keep thinking as the months of not cutting or purging it would get easier. And, for the most part, it was getting easier for months. The last few weeks feel like a constant battle with me to not give in because I want to. I spent a couple hours last night white knuckling it because I really wanted to cut. Part of the frustration was not being able to figure out exactly why, part of it was trying to figure out what the big deal would be if I did cut and part of me was really not caring of I threw almost 7 months out the window.

The book didn’t help. Changed my focus to food and not eating it (I had three meals yesterday and I know that played into the me wanting to cut) and how much I miss that as well…but then I got frustrated with myself about that and wanted to cut to deal with it. I made it as far as getting to blades out from where I had them…they haven’t been out since I left for So Cal. The one thing about the book that I can read and say I NEVER do that anymore is cutting food up into tiny pieces…there are days I eat one food group at a time and cut food into an equal number of pieces…but I can’t remember the last time I did the small pieces.

I know I don’t talk about being triggered that much because it doesn’t happen that often. I mean there are things that bother me and trigger a thought of cutting or throwing up or whatever…but there isn’t a ton that sets me off thinking about everything and how much I miss it and truly makes me sit there and plan how I can get away with it. Last night was the first time that I read something that set me off down that road.

A friend of mine started an alumni bulletin board from Remuda Alumni only. It is a protected board and has been a good way to reconnect/stay connected with some. There are a few on there from when I was there in 2000 and one from two years ago. Anyway, I was skimming the boards last night and read one that I should have stopped reading. Everyone on there is in different places, but we are cautious about talking about behaviors…especially the more dangerous ones because not a lot we can do online. Anyway, one of the girls drank some ipecac yesterday. The “odd” thing about it was she was concerned that she didn’t throw up all she had eaten…forget the fact she just drank poison! I do get where she was coming from…there have been TONS of times I was worried about all that and if I didn’t throw up stomach acid then I didn’t purge good enough…but it was hard to read that she didn’t care about the ipecac.

Never took it myself…but I must have had a bottle on me at all times for almost a year…this was like 6 years ago though. Someone told me if I took a whiff when I wanted to use it that might be a deterrent and it really was true…it kept me from taking it. By the time I was ready to take it because I didn’t care if it killed me…I had already handed it over to Dr. D and pinky swore I wouldn’t buy another bottle. It was amazing what he could get me to do (except eat) on a pinky swear!

I think it is stupid that I miss it. I think it is stupid that I have been having those nice little fantasies of not having to eat if I get my own place…but they are there. Then there are days like today when I am so mad at myself that chucking it all is tempting because at least it stops all the stuff going on in my head. I could go on…but I’ll shut up now.

1 comment:

Dreaming again said...

I don't think it's stupid. At least, I have to believe it's not stupid. I miss it too. Some days, more than others. I wonder when I'll stop missing it ..if I'll stop.

This line made me think:
Then there are days like today when I am so mad at myself that chucking it all is tempting because at least it stops all the stuff going on in my head. I could go on…but I’ll shut up now.
Watching starting over the other day Ilanya said something that made me laugh. She was talking to Allison, I think. She said "STOP! You're running around inside your brain unsupervised! And you're running amuck!"

Email Rob, Call Rob, IM me, email me, call another friend or IM. Both of us have come too far to chuck anything! Love ya!