Thursday, May 12, 2005

Fear Setting In...

We talked about the job stuff today and not anything else...but I didn't really talk about what was really going through my head...the irrational fears that are there.

He didn't ask me if I had cut or he usually does. So, I got home and called him to let him know I hadn't. He emailed me back and said, in part:

"I'm very proud of you by the way." I feel silly because that means SO much to hear him tell me that because there is no one else who EVER tells me that...and I know at least once a month I get to hear that from him. Not that I am not doing behaviors to hear it...but I have to helps.

I did email him this:

Back in August, when Ron and I were having lunch, he asked me a GREAT question. He asked me if I knew what it was that causes me to slip back into the ED when it comes to me and FT Youth Ministry. To take a word from you…I have “pondered” it off and on over the last several months and have yet to figure it out.

I think part of me thrives when I get caught up with the ED and start to eat, sleep and breathe the job. Reminds me of the scene in “Miss Congeniality” when Gracie Hart talks about how she IS the job. It is very much like that for me. I did admit that much in the first interview…that I do tend to eat, sleep and breathe the job. Between the starvation, diet pills, coffee, purging and manic pace of the job…I feel like I can do just about anything. Well, until the inevitable crash and burn that is…

The scary thing is part of the reason I want to be in that duplex is so I can STOP eating. I am so sick of my mom on my back all the time because in her opinion I am not eating enough that I want to be on my own so I can quit having to eat to shut her up. I admit it…I am DAYDREAMING over the fact that I will have no one bugging me about food.

There is also that part of me that isn’t sure I can even do the job without the ED. Ron said something else to me…that he thinks that when a church hires me I “need” to prove to them it wasn’t an accident and that they did not make a mistake. To that end, I do put in hour after hour and don’t think about the fact there is life outside the office and church grounds.

Then I keep thinking at least I didn’t do what I did in So Cal. I am staying local; I am not running off ½ way across the country, etc. I mean, Greg was all for me looking and he knew about Indiana…just not sure he expected me to walk in his office and tell him I was starting in September so the last Thursday in August would be our last session. He knew better than anyone I needed to get OUT of the Crystal Cathedral…but I think he may have figured we’d talk about it before I said yes about the job!

At least all this takes my mind of the 17th…though that IS the date of the interview. This has been good for me…no chance to dwell on the date and all that “stuff.” Actually, I don’t think I am as freaked about all that as I was when I emailed you about it whenever that was…a couple weeks ago I guess.

I think I want someone to tell me that I am ready for this and that this is OK to be doing. Even my mom has her doubts about me being able to handle it without a major relapse.

The doors flew open for Indiana and look what a disaster that turned out to be. What if I’m deluding myself? What if I am totally incapable of doing this job?

1 comment:

Sonflowergurl said...

If you truly feel that this new position is where God's leading you, and you follow God's calling, He WILL help you find a way to deal with your "stuff". I think that you're doing a great job at trying to work through all of this junk, and that you will do a good job if they decide to hire you! With that said, you NEED to get yourself a life outside of the church, and you NEED to get someone to keep you accountable (to a degree) about eating if you move into the duplex. You can do this, if God calls you to it, He will help you through it too! (Plus, you're close to Rob, so that will help too, I'm sure!)

Hang in there girl! :)