Friday, May 06, 2005


I did something I have never done in my 35.5 years of life...well...I guess the 14.5 years I have been legal to buy alcohol. I bought my first six pack of beer. Fosters to be exact. It was absolutely spur of the moment, for all the wrong reasons, the four I have left will probably still be in the fridge next year decision.

I don't know where my head is. Things at home are not just bad...bad I can deal with and am used to...but now it is SCARY. I don't know if my moms meds are still not right, she is not taking them correctly, etc., but her behavior is beyond abusive. Rob had to remind me yesterday that some of the stuff she has been saying is abusive language...knowledge that I blocked out so I wouldn;t have to feel...he blew THAT one out of the water.

She is so unfocused it isn't funny. Her Psychitarist ticks me off to no end because he keeps giving her time off work and sends her on her way. I avoid home as much as possible and try to just deal with what is going on around me.

Yesterday's session was a long more ways than one. It was just long because of all the stuff that needed to be said and long because he kept me over and hour...I really love those days there is no one after me and he can give me the extra time if I need it. Most of the time I don't...but when I do it's good that we don't have to rush.

We talked about how if he have to have the same discusion about him NOT leaving next year that is fine. That it is totally understandable that this time of year would bring that all up EVEN though I know he isn't going anywhere...barring a natural disaster or his death. That I have been left so many times by so many people that when it comes to this one (Marc) it does make sense. Then I told him how I feel dumb about it and he tried to make me feel better by piinting out we all feel dumb and it backfired. He took it too far and it started to sound like he was making fun of me. Rob picked up on it fairly quickly and asked me.

Anyway, toward the end we were talking about my mom again and I think all the "painful" feelings that have been building up overwhelmed me. I could feel it and there must have been a physical change because Rob asked me, "What just happened?" I told him I wanted to cut really, really bad and "right now!"

Funny how breathing can healp with that stuff. He told me to sit back and take deep breaths. I did. Then I think how when I am in the moment I never stop to DO that and it ALWAYS works. I still can't identify the emotions...but I know they HURT. The breathing helped and I was able to wlak out of there shaky but OK.

Had to stop at the store and buy ingredients for dinner. Ick. Then I just decided to pick up the six pack.

Note to self: Do not drink a beer after only drinking Gatorade. I was feeling it. But, for the first time since I was in college, I chose to drink that beer for all the wrong reasons. The good thing is I see that and if anything reinforces that I HAVE GOT TO get past whatever fears I am having about truly feeling the whole canvas of emotions and try and risk. That is part of what Rob's office is risk that stuff.

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